Expected behaviour

[boi]

Hi,
I felt the need to post today because I have high anxiety and I know why. First of all happy easter etc...for those who celebrate.
we were invited to somebody's house and I went with my partner and another family member. my partner was really tired and was not in the mood. he felt obliged to come and thinks that even if he is tired he does not have to fakea happy mood. he was antisocial and was kind of sleeping on the chair etc....etc...I was really embarrased by his behaviour. He has done it before. It seems whenever he doesnt want to go somewhere he kinda behaves like that. he thinks I should appreciate that he made the effort to show up physically even though he was tired. I do not see it that way. i think its rude.

We got in a huge argument and he believes that because he is not acting how I want him to act I am the problem. In some ways he is right. I want him to behave in a certain way because I believe it is common courtesy. Solution: he will not come if he is not in the mood. I would rather go alone places than hava that attitude. My anxiety is so high about this. I feel like I need to apologize to the people for his behaviour. I know this is my issue but I dont know how to just accept that. I think he needs to take ownership of his part and step up and not come if he doesnt feel like it. The problem is also that he thinks I should accept him as he is (which is true) and if he sleeps and is tired than it shouldn't be a problem because he should not have to be someone who he is not.

True, but at someone else's house there are standards too. Or should I say my standards. Is it controlling to say to him not to come if he is tired? Because he still believes that he should come even if he's tired and behave as he wishes.

I need some advice ease my anxiety maybe this should have been posted in the relationship category

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think his behavior is rather childish and immature. Of course he has a right to be tired and when he is he has a right to stay home if he chooses. To go along anyway and then make it clear to all that he would rather not be there is insulting at best. If he goes, he needs to consider other people's feelings and if he doesn't feel he can do that then he should stay home and pout on his own.

As to your other point, though, I don't think you have anything to apologize about. You did not behave like a self-centered child; he did. Your family didn't observe you behaving in a boorish manner, just him.

 

[boi]

thanks david,
you are absolutely right. I thought it was childish too. we have spoken about it and we have agreed that if he is not in a good mood for whatever reason then he wont come and I wont "make" him. I know I cannot change him and if he doesnt understand then I cant do anything about it. I'd rather for him not to come. I kind of want him to know he was behaving like a child but I think that will cause a fight. If he cannot see it then I dont know what to do about that.
i feel better about this. I still have issues with his behaviour reflects on me, but I'm working on it....
thanks again