Explaining Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to family members

[AmZ]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if you could give me some advice about something?

I am doing my homework for therapy where I have to write (but not necessarily send, at least right now) a letter to my dad concerning the things he doesn't know both about me and my diagnosis.

Some things are pretty easy to write, such as the facts of what I have been going through and the general feelings and thoughts I have had for so many years, etc. But when it comes to trying to explain the whys of all of it and explaining BPD itself, this is where I get stuck. I need to explain BPD itself and how it relates to me and how I am and have been. Are there any sources that anyone knows of which I can use that explains BPD to family members specifically? Then I can send that to him also. I think that would be a good idea.

There are a few reasons as to why this is difficult to write - Any advice would be much appreciated!

- He is anyway very anti-mental health diagnoses, medication and therapy. He thinks that it makes people worse as it goes too much in-depth, over-analysed by the therapist and is taken out of proportion. He doesn't agree with diagnoses also and thinks it's all 'a load of made-up rubbish'.

- I worry about his response to all of this. I need to be able to explain this clearly and thoroughly enough (once and for-all) so that his response won't be of anger towards me 'hiding this' for so long and him feeling like I rejected him or me 'messing things' up.

- If the diagnosis didn't 'involve' him, then it would be easier to explain where it started from and how it developed and continued over the years. However, he is part of the reason, along with my mum, as to why this came about and developed. Difficult to know how to approach this also therefore.

- I am not sure as to the level of detail that I should or want to give him. i.e. the self-harm, the feelings of total hopelessness and suicidal thoughts, taking myself to the hospital, taking way too many sleeping pills and drinking, and all the rest of it.

- He has always been in general denial about the way he is, how our upbringing was and therefore, adding on to all of the reasons above, I don't want to have a defeatist attitude, but it seems to me like as much as I can try to explain everything to him and give him the details of BPD and me, I don't think he's going to 'agree' with it anyway. I don't want to make things worse.

There are probably more things, but I think that's the general gist of it!

Have a great weekend.

Thank you.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure there's any point in trying to explain it to anyone who doesn't already know what it means. Your primary symptoms are anxiety, depression, obsessive worrying, and social avoidance. You're receiving treatment for that. My advice would be to leave it at that. You, your therapist, and your physicians need to know the details. I'm not convinced anyone else needs that information and theyt almost certainly won't understand the diagnosis no matter how you try to explain it.

 

[rdw]

In reality you do not need to share your information with anyone outside of your mental health team until you are ready and willing to do so. However if the exercise is to write a letter to release your thoughts and worries - no problem - you are not going to send it. That exercise is for you! If you do decide to send the letter you need to carefully think about how that will help you. Your parents cannot change your past; you cannot change your past however you can change your present one step at a time with the help of your therapists and doctors.

 

[CarlaMarie]

AmZ this is awesome work your doing. I have written so many of those letters with out sending them. Be patient with your self. The process of accepting my parents for who they were and how that affected me was painful.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I have to write (but not necessarily send, at least right now)

I missed that part.

In that case, there are several stickies in the BPD forum that should help you.

 

[AmZ]

Thank you everyone.

I am more on the side of agreeing with you, Dr Baxter. But I know that my problem is hiding and not telling close relatives things about me. I guess I just want to do the 'best' I can in improving this and say it all, but I am in total agreement that they are never going to understand and I think it would make things worse.

I actually spoke with my dad on Friday and I told him more, but I am at least for now (and probably not at least for a long time) going to tell him about the BPD. I told him that even though I understand partly that he came out with those harsh and painful words a week ago about his lack of support in what I am doing, that I also understand why he feels like that because of the lack of detail that I have given him. I nevertheless said that regardless of me not telling him more detail and telling him how bad things are, he is anyway well aware of the way I am so it's not that I 'expect' him to play that guessing game, but it would of course be nice to have his support (or at least not the total opposite, like he did).

He apologized about it so that was good.

I said that it's a whole lot more complicated that he realizes and without naming the diagnosis, I said that it's not just a point of having a lack of friends and it goes beyond that. I said that for so many years, things have been constantly going around in my head about life and me not fitting in, feeling like an outcast and being detached/separated from those around me, etc. He admitted that he thought that something was not right somewhere along the line, but just thought that it was because I was quiet and shy and that was my personality. I said that things have been tougher than he realizes in the last, well, years, but especially in the last 8 months but didn't go in to details, that's also not necessary. Anyway, he agreed that it is beyond his reach of just giving me some words of wisdom and life advice and I got him to understand that I need professionals helping me.

He still said throughout that I am still not telling him specifics, but I think it was enough really so I didn't say any more.

 

[coffeegirl]

AmZ-

You did what you felt was comfortable. Very hard to do what you did. If he asks more questions you don't need to cave in. Do what is best for you. Take care of yourself. Be proud of where you are at in your life. What you did by sharing limited things with him so he is aware that you are hurting is a very valid and tough thing to do. Hang in there!

((HUGS))

Coffeegirl