Extremely worried about a relationship my friend is in

[Deenie]

She's 17 and was abused as a child so she has problems to begin with with relationships. This guy who claims that he mixed up his friends number and texted 10 random people is now in a relationship with her. But he's like 25 or something like that and i've met him once (which wasn't my choice and i don't appreciate her having forced me to meet someone i have no trust for whatsoever) and I got serious bad vibes from him.

From being abused as a child she's like seriously non-contact orientated and is pretty screwed up to begin with an dis just out of a 2 year online relationship with a person she has never met. She claims that her online friends are her real friends, but they all seem to have major personality disorders and all tend to go pretty psycho over nothing.


but see, I don't believe that he can have no intentions at all.. i mean for god's sake he's a hotblooded 25 year old male... and I really don't want her to get hurt but I'm worried that if my friends and I (my friends feel the same way as i do- that he's up to no good) say anything to her it'll just push her closer to him and further from us. and she has been going around hurting people a lot, she said to one of my friends that she's a hopeless case and doesn't see why she should bother getting help because she's pretty much beyond help (my friend just said she was a bit nervous before her first appointment for depression and anxiety counsilling).


basically i'm just wondeirng if anyone here has any opinons on the case and if you agree that it's not good for her to be in the relationship, how do i go about telling her so without pushing her closer to him? i'm kinda in two minds because she has just been so utterly rude and irresponsible and doesn't seem to care about any of us anymore. so on one hand i'm kinda thinking that if i make an effort and she does nothing she deserves whatever the hell she gets, but on the other hand, nobody deserves anything bad like being raped, or worse, to happen to them.

 

[Eunoia]

ok, what I don't understand is how did your friend even meet this guy? he randomnly text msgd her and they ended up going out? that's weird. If they did meet in another context, ie. family friends or at an event, it'd be a different situation... do any of your friends know him? I don't understand w/ what you mean you were forced to meet him, did your friend ask you to come along? Did she not tell you he'd be there? Were you not doing her a favour by coming along to "check him out"? Again though, if she was worried about the whole thing and that's why she asked you to meet him, then that's a red flag.

If she was in an online relationship for 2 yrs and never met the person, that does make me kind of wonder... did he live really far away? I think it is possible to really get to know someone online and people have hooked up like that but it's also worth being cautious over, espec. b/c she is still a teenager, she does have possibly trust issues b/c of the abuse, and if the majority of her friends are over the internet and she spends her majority of the time online, it can't be good for her in terms of every day life and keeping up w/ "real life" relationships... it's all in moderation, I mean it does sound like she has you and another couple of friends though. Where does she meet them? in a chat, at forums??? do her parents know about her online relationships?? the reason why I'm asking is b/c if there's nothing to hide then she'd be open w/ them, right?

the good thing w/ someone a little older is that they tend to be more mature... but that can also backfire. and someone who is in his mid 20's does have diff. expectations than someone who's 17. she may or may not be ready for that. again, it totally depends on the two people, on the entire context, but if she is trying to hide this from people besides you then there is def. something to worry about... what made you get "bad vibes" from him? did he say something that was offensive? his manner? is he open about his life, ie. his friends, his job, his background....?? again, the more he's willing to open up the less there is to wonder or guess about.

you are right in that saying anything or the wrong thing may push her away... but I also think that as her friend you shouldn't just stand by. you can't rescue her, you can'r prevent her from ever getting hurt, people sadly have to learn for themselves sometimes... she won't listen to you or anyone else until she's ready. try too keep the communication open btwm you and her, tell her that you are there for her no matter what, that you're willing to listen and care for her. you can be honest w/ her if she asks for your opinion but you can't "push" your opinion onto her. if you are really worried about her or this guy, is there any way that you could pass it by her parents? do you know them at all? are they close w/ your friend? don't go behind her back, tell her you're worried. she is 17 so she can make her own decisions, but he's also 25 and she's still 17.... in some states etc. that's still considered a minor...

are you saying that your friend was telling another friend that that friend was a hopeless case and shouldn't bother going to counselling? or she herself is a hopeless case? 1st of all, no one is a "hopeless case". If she did say those things to another friend it wasn't very considerate, b/c someone who's dealing w/ anxiety & depression probably does feel pretty hopeless about themselves and things in general... it sounds like your friend has issues herself that she needs to work out and maybe she's scared of doing so; you could offer to make a counselling appt. herself and go w/ her, and you can always offer to be there for her if she needs to vent or just someone to listen... has she ever been in therapy for the abuse or something else? however, until she does not see this as a problem, she won't make any changes. has she been this way (rude, offensive as you say) w/ all of you or since a while or only w/ a select # of people and since recently? is there anyone she is still close enough to that could help her get some help?? don't be afraid to take her aside and say "I'm extremely worried about you, b/c.....". Often, people are too afraid to do so b/c they fear the other person's reaction, but sometimes hearing something like this can go a long way.... don't give up on your friend but do realize you can only help her if she's willing to accept your help.

 

[Deenie]

Basically he is claiming that he mixed up the numbers of his friend's number and texted random people but some of our group have our suspicions... None of us really know him. Basically we all went into town after school to do some shopping and she just announced that she was meeting up with a guy who had randomly texted her.

her online boyfriend lived in the states (we're in ireland) so that's why they never met. she meets her real life friends through school but she's driving us all away and doesn't consider us to be her real friends. her parents have no idea about her internet relationship and presumably no idea about her current relationship. She isn'tvery close to her parents at all.... she only told them about her abuse after her counciller (years ago) forced her to tell her mother.

I don't know what made me get bad vibes from him. it might be that he doesn't fit my range of people i deem acceptable (I like people to be employed rather than contemplating looking for a job but still not sure if they will bother) other than that there wasn't anything in particular wrong but then there wasn't much that seemed very right about him.

To be honest, I couldn't really say anything to her parents because the relationship between her and her parents just isn't good enough. I would pass it on toher sister but she has moved out and is now living in Austria. Here the legal age of consent is 17, but I'm not sure about relationships between over 18s and under 18s.

It was friend in the bad relationship(girl1) calling another depressed friend (girl2)a hopeless case etc etc to clarify. Girl1 refuses to go anywhere near a counciller which is annoying because she has tried repeatedly to commit suicide..

Girl one has been this way for about a year now, and one by one she is hurting and pushing people away from her... she seems really happy with this guy, but there's just something in my intuition saying that he's just building up her trust and biding his time (maybe I'm just a pessimist)...

 

[Eunoia]

your friend really does sound like she needs help. and like your intuition about this whole thing is right. It's too bad you can't get her to talk to her parents or talk to them yourself... and that her sister has moved so far away. You could try email her though (her sister) sort of to get her to contact your friend, I know it's long distance but if they have a good relationship this may go a long way.... if she is also suicidal and has been doing these things since a while now and has little social support (b/c she won't take it from you and your friends and has little in terms of family) she really should go talk to someone. can you get her to a school counsellor? can you talk to a school counsellor and get them to talk to her? You can't fight her battles, or make her do something she doesn't want to do or is not ready to do. You can continue to be there for her and let her know you care but are worried etc. But if this has been going on since a year it won't be long until people will get tired of doing this, sadly, but true- in a way your friend might be waiting for this. Sometimes friendships do just fall apart, but do you think that you guys still have a pretty good friendship in terms of going out to have a good time and being there for each other in regards to other things? Or is all of that gone too? Does she have any friends besides her internet friends?! That's def. not healthy... does she just not have a good relat. w/ her parents or do you think she's pushing them away too? if they seem like "good" people maybe you could give it a 2nd thought to invovle them.....

can you talk to a teacher about this at your school? is she close to any of them? who else is in her life that she trusts? I wish I had more idead but I'm kinda at a loss as to what else to say...... have you sat down and actually told your friend how you feel about her, the past year, and the situation she's in???? is she willing to listen to you at all? sometimes sitting someone down and saying those things can make a difference, sort of telling them what they don't want to hear. but again, she's the one that needs to make different choices.