Falling into the abyss

[EllieBethNielsen]

Hello, I'm not sure where this fits in as it includes many things but mainly childhood sexual abuse. I was 6. I started getting flashbacks at 13. That's when the self harm, eating disorders, alcoholism, and suicide attempts started. I'm 23 now and spent my whole life trying to destroy myself. My most recent attempt my younger sister found out. I can't repeat what she said or I'll break down crying. But I finally realized I wasn't only hurting myself but my sister, who I raised.

Anyway I got forced sick leave at work. Had to withdraw from school. And waiting to hear from homewood. I've been attending AA and I get my 24 hour chip today. My methods of coping have always been self destructive behaviour. Now trying to stop them all at once is so overwhelming. I can't stop crying.

I found him on Facebook. I'm obsessed. My actions before helped me forget but now I can't. One as I have literally zero dollars and two I need to be 72 hours sober for homewood.

I feel like I'm falling apart. Why can't I just drink. Why can't I just forget what can I do? I'm so lost and all my methods have been taken away. Suicide seems like the only solution now. Its been 17 years shouldn't I be better by now

Sorry for such the long post. Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you,
Ellie

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: falling into the abyss

HI Ellie good for you taking the step to stay sober so you can get into Homewood. It is an excellent program there Is there any detox center you can go to to help you stay sober and then go directly to Homewood from there. No you will not get better without some supports ok it is hard to heal ones self you really need professional help.
You sister does need you so suicide is not the way ok it will only destroy her future if you leave her. You are taking the right steps now ok so keep moving forward. If you have to you use the crisis lines to help you cope. You sign yourself in to short term detox center until you get into HOmewood. ok Stay strong ok not only for your sister but for YOU too hugs

 

[Retired]

Re: falling into the abyss

Hello Ellie and welcome to Psychlinks! Thank you for joining us and we hope you will find the information and support you need to deal with the difficulties you have described.

Congratulations on your joining AA for support and for your upcoming enrolment into Homewood.

It sounds like you have endured some very tragic circumstances, and I'm sorry to hear you feel overwhelmed at this time.

Most of us find it difficult to deal with multiple issues all at once, and so you need to pick your battles and deal with one thing at a time. By prioritizing what you need to deal with immediately, taking it one step at a time, and then recognizing the success you have had with that one priority might help get you through the next step.

Its been 17 years shouldn't I be better by now

It would be great if we could hit a "delete" button to remove the bad memories, but the fact is we have to face those demons and deal with them through therapy. Hopefully your Homewood experience might help you with that.

Suicide is not the answer, Ellie, because you now have some options ahead of you...AA, Homewood, sobriety.

If you succumb to suicide, you eliminate your options for a better life. By working on your available options, you give yourself the opportunity for an improved quality of life.

As you said your sister is important to you, then your sister is your reason for living and to follow through on your options for a better life.

I found him on Facebook. I'm obsessed.

Would you elaborate on the significance of this statement?

 

[EllieBethNielsen]

Homewood just called, I can't go because the OHIP covered beds aren't available and theres no room on the waiting list... so I have no idea what to do now. I guess I can try CAMH but I bet the same will happen.

There is a detox program here in barrie but its 21 days and I hate being alone.

I messaged him on facebook saying I remembered what he did to me. He denied it obviously. I am seeing a specialist for sexual abuse, but it will be hard.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Homewood does have very long waiting lists for most of their programs, partly because many of them have been in existence for many years and are well known.

Don't give up, though. Contact CAMH and see what they say. If the answer there is no, ask for recommendations to othr appropriate treatment programs.

You indicate that you are seeing a therapist for sexual abuse: Ask him or her to do some research on your behalf into appropriate treatment programs.

 

[forgetmenot]

The Barrie program is 21 days that would be a good start to help you and you would not be alone there will be others there on the same path as you working together ok
There is a program in CAMH for women that have been abused and it is on the 7th floor and it is a program you can ask about when you call they keep the floor locked so the patients feel safe there. you can come and go as you please but others have to sign in when they come. It is a safe place one goes to heal

 

[EllieBethNielsen]

Thank you everyone. I see my case worker on Monday so I hope we can talk about some other solutions. I just feel that if I don't deal with it now, the constant destruction will escalate. I called some crisis lines tonight and it was not as helpful as this site Thanks everyone

 

[Retired]

Ellie,

Most crisis lines are staffed by volunteers who may or may not have adequate training to deal with a diversity of issues. Also they may be limited in the resources they have available so their intervention options might be limited.

By availing yourself of all possible positive resourcess for support gives you the widest range of options to collect information while waiting for your treatment.

Glad to hear you find Psychlinks helpful. Feel free to use our Forum as much as you want for information, help and support.