Friendship Issue

[heatherly]

I feel so inapt in dealing with some friendship issues, so I hope to get some help with this one and not turn my friendship (?) if I have one into no friendship.

When my husband and I lived in another State I had what I felt was a great friendship with this woman. We went places together, etc. When we moved she cried and said that she knew I would keep in contact, which I have, but she seldom calls, so it is a one way street here. I can always remember her telling me that when she doesn't want someone for a friend she just quietly moves away from them. Her other two friends have complained and given up on her because of her lack of response to their emails to her after they moved away.

The situation is that we have exchanged gifts on Christmas and birthday over the past 6 years after my moving, and she would write a short note in them. In six years she may have called me 3 times. Well, this year I wrote her a nice long letter in June, no response. My birthday came in August, and I got a mail order gift, no note. I have left messages on her phone, no call, not that I expected it. I called last night and her husband said that they were canning corn, and then said, I will tell her and she MAY call you back. The MAY got to me, but everything is getting to me about this so-called friendship. Christmas is coming, and I think maybe it is time to stop the gift giving and for my to stop calling her, but I want a graceful way out of this instead of getting angry like I have with others in the past. Someone in my growing up, I never learned how to gracefully get out of anything.

If I called her I wouldn't know how to ask her point blank and wouldn't expect an honest answer anyway. I remember one time she called and said, "I bet you think I forgot about you!" I just laughed.

Any suggestions would be grateful. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and if I am wrong then I don't want to upset the apple cart.

 

[rdw]

Why not wait for her to make the next move? If she is interested in maintaining the friendship she will and if not she won't. It is impossible to maintain a one way relationship with anyone -it becomes frustrating and hurtful.

 

[heatherly]

Yes, it is hurtful, and I agree with you totally. I guess I also just don't know what to do about gift giving at Christmas. Wait and see if she sends something and send something back? I just don't want her to give gifts is she really doesn't want to. I would love to get out of it gracefully and her birthday in is January.

 

[rdw]

Why not suggest giving a donation in her name to a favourite charity? You are helping a good cause, you don't have to worry about shopping and she can respond in kind or not.

 

[heatherly]

I like that idea. Thanks.

 

[Retired]

Today's society is more mobile and transient than had been seen in the past where people tended to live their entire life in their place of birth.

I think some people have difficulty maintaining long distance relationships. Perhaps when you moved away, this lady feels she lost the link of commonality with you and is having difficulty readjusting her focus on you as the person who happens to live somewhere else rather than the person who happened to be living in the same place as her.

As has been suggested, try communicating with her and tell her you are still the good friend you had been when you were physically present, but now you can be the same good friend, but at a distance.

Using internet technology, you could use Skype for face to face encounters and email for frequent message exchanges.

However, be prepared for the possibility this person is just not capable of maintaining a long distance relationship and you might have to be satisfied with the pleasure you once shared together, and just enjoy the good memories.

 

[heatherly]

Hi Steve, Thanks for the information. I believe she can't maintain long distant relationships since she dumped two of her friends when she moved, and I have been the one hanging on.