David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Getting Naked?Again
By Hara Estroff Marano
February 14, 2009
If you're a woman of a certain age who finds herself alone this Valentine's Day and you'd rather not be, and you've taken a big hit to the heart before, then pay attention. You're probably uncertain how to connect with men in a romantic way while a little discouraged or maybe even flat-out cynical about the possibility of happily-ever-after.
Rest assured that post-romance romance is no less awkward for men; they're pretty clueless, too. But society reaches out to them and they get taken care of more?someone, for example, is always handing them the phone number of the perfect eligible woman.
No such solicitousness for you, acknowledges Philadelphia psychologist Judith Sills, Ph.D., a PT columnist (Workwise) and author. In her newest book, Getting Naked Again, she shoots straight from her witty hip about what to do "when you've been divorced, widowed, dumped, or distracted." She interviewed a hundred men and women but directed her book at women precisely because she believes they need more cultural support.
For starters, says Sills, both men and women re-entering the mate market?particularly those dumped or divorced?should be thinking in terms of creating a polished social resume when applying for a new relationship. Like a professional resume, the story you tell about yourself should briefly highlight your social strengths and achievements. Just as there might be tactical omissions on your professional resume of jobs that didn't last and those that ended in failure or dismissal and bosses who might qualify for bully of the year, so should your introductory dating story avoid recitations of the social disasters and betrayals and disappointments that got you to this new juncture, and whatever feelings of failure that may lurk inside. Save them for the girls-or your anonymous blog.
Of course, no one should be re-entering the dating world unless they have given up bitterness and taken steps to add some sweetness to their life. Acquired new friends. Gone back to school. Learned a new skill or sport. Improved oneself physically or intellectually. Dating at any age is fraught enough with the awkwardness of adolescence. The least you can do is bring some emotional readiness to dating.
The core psychological issues that women face on re-entry into the dating world are the exact same ones men face, Sills reports. Both are juggling the fear of being alone forever against the fear of making a(nother) mistake, and most people list more to one side than to the other. The playoff between these two fears may or may not be conscious. But either way, it drives behavior.
Those driven by fear of being alone will mistake interest for passion, struggle to turn dates into relationships, "fall in love" readily and stay in an unsatisfying relationship long after the handwriting has appeared on the wall. People who mostly fear making a mistake tend to have trust issues, have a high need for control, tend to be turned off by overt signs of interest from a partner, and may have a series of long connections to partners who are obviously unsuitable.
There is a more-or-less ideal mindset for dating. That's why dating and love are "less about whom you meet and more about who you are," Sills explains. And then she dutifully reports what she hears from men about what they hear?over and over again?from women they meet in the mate market. Just about all of it is stuff they'd rather not hear. "I'm not telling you to conform," Sills insists. "I'm just telling you what men say." Women talk a lot about their children and about their exes. They talk about their exes because they're in pain. And most men are put off by that talk because "they don't want the stress and ugliness in their life."
The irony is that the pain women express so acutely disappears once they're in a relationship. But it's getting into a relationship?allaying the anxieties of how to meet people and choose people, getting beyond the meeting phase?that is the hurdle.
There's more. The men report that the women bring to their early encounters a bald "interviewing" style, a kind of let-me-figure-out-right-away-what-I-can-get approach. Guys feel they're being scrutinized when they'd really prefer starting out with a more light-hearted sense of connection. Sills isn't saying that the guys are perfect. She's just out to help all the women who have paid their dues in life get more of what they want.
Like feeling sexy again. Maybe leisurely car rides to nowhere in particular with some great banter. Even sex in the afternoon.
By Hara Estroff Marano
February 14, 2009
If you're a woman of a certain age who finds herself alone this Valentine's Day and you'd rather not be, and you've taken a big hit to the heart before, then pay attention. You're probably uncertain how to connect with men in a romantic way while a little discouraged or maybe even flat-out cynical about the possibility of happily-ever-after.
Rest assured that post-romance romance is no less awkward for men; they're pretty clueless, too. But society reaches out to them and they get taken care of more?someone, for example, is always handing them the phone number of the perfect eligible woman.
No such solicitousness for you, acknowledges Philadelphia psychologist Judith Sills, Ph.D., a PT columnist (Workwise) and author. In her newest book, Getting Naked Again, she shoots straight from her witty hip about what to do "when you've been divorced, widowed, dumped, or distracted." She interviewed a hundred men and women but directed her book at women precisely because she believes they need more cultural support.
For starters, says Sills, both men and women re-entering the mate market?particularly those dumped or divorced?should be thinking in terms of creating a polished social resume when applying for a new relationship. Like a professional resume, the story you tell about yourself should briefly highlight your social strengths and achievements. Just as there might be tactical omissions on your professional resume of jobs that didn't last and those that ended in failure or dismissal and bosses who might qualify for bully of the year, so should your introductory dating story avoid recitations of the social disasters and betrayals and disappointments that got you to this new juncture, and whatever feelings of failure that may lurk inside. Save them for the girls-or your anonymous blog.
Of course, no one should be re-entering the dating world unless they have given up bitterness and taken steps to add some sweetness to their life. Acquired new friends. Gone back to school. Learned a new skill or sport. Improved oneself physically or intellectually. Dating at any age is fraught enough with the awkwardness of adolescence. The least you can do is bring some emotional readiness to dating.
The core psychological issues that women face on re-entry into the dating world are the exact same ones men face, Sills reports. Both are juggling the fear of being alone forever against the fear of making a(nother) mistake, and most people list more to one side than to the other. The playoff between these two fears may or may not be conscious. But either way, it drives behavior.
Those driven by fear of being alone will mistake interest for passion, struggle to turn dates into relationships, "fall in love" readily and stay in an unsatisfying relationship long after the handwriting has appeared on the wall. People who mostly fear making a mistake tend to have trust issues, have a high need for control, tend to be turned off by overt signs of interest from a partner, and may have a series of long connections to partners who are obviously unsuitable.
There is a more-or-less ideal mindset for dating. That's why dating and love are "less about whom you meet and more about who you are," Sills explains. And then she dutifully reports what she hears from men about what they hear?over and over again?from women they meet in the mate market. Just about all of it is stuff they'd rather not hear. "I'm not telling you to conform," Sills insists. "I'm just telling you what men say." Women talk a lot about their children and about their exes. They talk about their exes because they're in pain. And most men are put off by that talk because "they don't want the stress and ugliness in their life."
The irony is that the pain women express so acutely disappears once they're in a relationship. But it's getting into a relationship?allaying the anxieties of how to meet people and choose people, getting beyond the meeting phase?that is the hurdle.
There's more. The men report that the women bring to their early encounters a bald "interviewing" style, a kind of let-me-figure-out-right-away-what-I-can-get approach. Guys feel they're being scrutinized when they'd really prefer starting out with a more light-hearted sense of connection. Sills isn't saying that the guys are perfect. She's just out to help all the women who have paid their dues in life get more of what they want.
Like feeling sexy again. Maybe leisurely car rides to nowhere in particular with some great banter. Even sex in the afternoon.
