Gifted relationships: On Being ?Too Much? to the Right of the Curve

[David Baxter PhD]

Gifted relationships: On Being “Too Much” to the Right of the Curve
By Cat Robson
July 31, 2010

For most of my life, finding friends and work that honored my intensity and intelligence wasn’t an issue for me. I thought I was just weird and damaged and that my loneliness was deserved.

“Calm down,” “You take things too seriously,” “You’re so intense.”

Most people seem calm and unphased by a world that for me is often emotionally overwhelming, deeply troubling and unjust.

In her illuminating article, On Being “Too Much” to the Right of the Curve, former SENG Director Heidi Molbak talks about the dilemmas of giftedness.

When I took my first statistics class, I thought about the bell curve in a new way; I was saddened but comforted. There on the page of my textbook was a pictorial representation of the struggle and isolation of giftedness.

I saw IQ scores above 130 off to the right, scores of 145 even further to the right, and over 160 so far “out there” that the term “outlier” seemed an understatement.

The percentage of the population that scored over there on the far right was so small, and the percentage of the population to the left of 130 seemed huge and daunting.

No wonder. No wonder the need for connection with others can be hard to meet among gifted people.

No wonder many gifted children cannot find friends in high school who share their passion for medieval history, black holes, and writing.

No wonder it’s so hard to find other third graders who feel overwhelmed with emotion when they see a painting, hear a piece of music, or discover Fibonacci numbers.

But we are comforted at the same time because the bell curve on the textbook page showed us why gifted people struggle to find understanding with so many people.

There are fewer people who experience life from the same lens as a gifted person.

Humans crave the feeling that comes with knowing someone else “gets” them. We all want that friend who finds our jokes funny and clever, shares our same level of concern about global warming, and has the same level of intensity that we do.

Often gifted individuals are “too much” for the people who surround them in their daily lives. And they know this because they are told as much on a frequent basis.

Their thoughts, feelings, and ideas do contribute significantly to humankind. It’s just that humankind doesn’t always let them know how much they are appreciated.

You can love someone in your life whose intensities are strong by showing them through words that you accept them just the way they are.

• You’re not too much for me, honey. You’re just right!
• Learning to manage your intense feelings, thoughts, and ideas is a big job. It takes a lot of work and a lot of loving yourself. I’m there alongside you as you go on this journey.
• There may be fewer children who enjoy the same things you do, but we can find kindred spirits together through hobbies, online interest groups, and mentors.
• The thrill that comes with intense learning and excitability is a rush to be enjoyed!

Finding people who get you and who don’t find you “too much” is challenging when the pool of people is smaller over on the right of the bell curve.

Give the gift of love and acceptance to the gifted people in your life. It will last longer than roses and taste sweeter than chocolate.​

 

[Daniel E.]

There may be fewer children who enjoy the same things you do, but we can find kindred spirits together through hobbies, online interest groups, and mentors.

And, of course, there are programs/schools for gifted students.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

To me, this article is less about gifted individuals and more about a recognition that you do not need top be a clone of everyone around you in order to find satisfying and fulfilling friendships and other relationships with people. The goal is to find understanding and kindred spirits, not necessarily to force yourself to change, acceptance of diversity rather than homogeneity.

 

[Daniel E.]

Another point made by the same website:

Misdiagnosis and dual diagnosis of gifted children

 

[Daniel E.]

not necessarily to force yourself to change

On that note, concerning highly sensitive persons:

One final observation concerns the issue of "adaptability." HSPs tend to be extremely "pliable," and almost "chameleon-like," often to our detriment. Because we often have histories of being thought of as "oddballs" and "a bit strange," many of us grow "adept at adapting," and becoming whatever it is that's needed in a given moment, in order for us to fit in. Maybe that's allright in small doses and to accomplish specific short-term objectives in the world. However, in partnering it has serious consequences, when we choose to "make ourselves compatible" with people with whom we are definitely not compatible. I know broader pop-psychology teaches that compromise is an important part of relationships. But, in my opinion, that can only be "healthily" applied to such things as "which movie we're watching," or "where we'll vacation this summer." It was never meant to mean compromising our core values and basic sense of self.

HSP Notes: HSP Topics: Love, dating and finding "The One"

Many (about 70%) HSPs are introverts. Whereas introversion should not be interpreted as "antisocial," many introverts tend to feel that their friendships are "inadequate," because they compare their circles of friends to extraverts they know, and feel like they are coming up short. They also see themselves as part of a very outgoing society, and start interpreting their natural inclinations as "wrong," which is a big mistake. Faking who you are in order to make friends with someone will only add to the number of "failed" friendships, in the long run.

HSP Topics: The Challenge of Friendships