Good Day to You

[Losttommy]

My name is Tommy. I am a 36 year old gay male living in Portland, Oregon.

I am not sure what to say about myself, except that I feel lost most of the time. Hence, the nick losttommy. I was given the link to this site by a person that I casually have interaction with on another website. I perused through some things last night, and I am so thankful that I was given the link here.

I suffer from PTSD, depression, and anxiety. At least that's what my ex-therapist said. I go through the motions of every day trying to make sense out of what happens, and for what reason, and all I get is nothing.

Along with my own problems, I found out yesterday that my partner of 6 years has been having an affair behind my back with someone for over 2.5 years. Right now, as I write this, my entire world is a shambles. I am not sure what to do.

Believe me when I say that I am not innocent in this problem. Early in my relationship with him, I was not faithful. I did cheat a few times. He and I have had fistfights. We both have lied to each other. We both have done damage to each other in this relationship.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug-user. I haven't used drugs in over six years. I haven't used alcohol in over 3. Most of my infidelity was when I was drunk. However, cheating is not a good thing in any case, and I have learned over the last 3 years to be faithful to him, and to be honest with the both of us. I don't know how I should feel. I don't know what to think. I want to not know anything that I know now, and I want to just be oblivious to it all again so that I don't hurt this bad. He told me that he is not well, that he has problems and that he needs to fix them. I suggested going to a counselor, and he said he would think about it. (not really the answer that I wanted, but better than saying no.) I want to be with him. I am in love with him. But I am not sure how to leave him alone long enough to let him begin his own process of healing, and to begin my own as well. We do live together. I am employed, but can not afford to live on my own right now. That will take a few months to accomplish. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I have, that I need to sort them out.

Any advice from anyone would be greatly helpful.

And thanks to admins for letting me come here to vent my frustrations and hopefully get some type of helpful advice.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Good Day to You.

I'm just popping in to check on things at the moment, Tommy, but I at least wanted to say welcome to Psychlinks forum.

Here are some other threads that might be helpful:

Infidelity: Mending your marriage after an affair - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Marriage counseling: Working through relationship problems - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Girlfriend cheated on me - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Overcoming Infidelity - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Learning to Trust Again - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Is it wrong to rely on a friend to meet the needs your partner doesn't meet? - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Why do married people cheat? - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Book Recommendations for Infidelity??? - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Cheating - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Relationship issues - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

 

[white page]

Hi Lost Tommy ,
Welcome to this great forum . I am so sorry you are going through so much heartache at the moment . May I congratulate you on the battle you won with drugs and alcohol abuse , the links Dr. B gave you will be very helpful I know .
Looking forward to getting to know you .

best wishes and take care White page

 

[ladylore]

Welcome Tommy.

 

[NicNak]

Hello and welcome! I am a newbie too. Just a few weeks ago I "accidently" found this site.

It has been very informative, supportive and fun in lots of ways too. One thing that is so awsome about this forum is no one judges. It is such a relief to speak to people who don't think I am "just being stupid".

I want to congradulate you as well on your recover from alcohol and drugs too. That is an amazing feat!

Again, welcome

 

[Sparrow]

Welcome to psychlinks Losttommy :welcome2:

 

[Into The Light]

welcome lost tommy :tiphat:

i am so sorry for where you are right now and the hurt you are going through. at least your partner said he would think about counseling and that in itself is positive. not everyone is open to the idea.

glad to have you with us

 

[Losttommy]

Thank you to everyone for the great welcome. It put a tiny smile on my face, and made me cry hysterically for about 20 minutes.

I am trying to sort out my thoughts and try to develop questions to ask my partner, but the only thing I keep coming back to is 'why me?'

Why do I have to be the one that is hurting so bad? Why do I feel guilty? I shouldn't feel guilty at all, but for some unknown reason I do. I am so angry, and sad, and depressed, and anxious, and all of these other undescribable emotions. I want to know what was going through his head when it happened for the first time.

I want to run away, but there is nowhere on the planet that I can go to where it won't affect me. I want to have sex with 500 different people just so I can feel some sort of satisfaction of revenge. I want to not be this person that I am.

I want to not know any of the things that I know, and maybe I will feel better. I want to kick his ass for betraying me. I want to burn everything that he owns so that he has nothing, just like I do right now. I want to forget that I am upset. I want to escape my reality right now. I hate being me right now.

I know that things will get better with time. But what if it doesn't?

 

[Into The Light]

things will get better. they get better, because they get worked through somehow. you have joined psychlinks here in search of answers and support and that in itself is a step forward.

one thing that many of us here remind people of is that how badly you are feeling right now, it will not be like this forever. it may feel like it will be forever, but it won't. yes you're hurting right now. yes it hurts so badly you want to do all those things you just listed. but as you work through this a moment at a time, a day at a time, over time the hurt will lessen, because working through it means healing from it.

 

[Losttommy]

Well, since I found out yesterday, I have been having fits of anxiety and crying so much that I got headaches from it.

But I found the strength, somehow and from somewhere, to tell him that I forgave him. After I did this, I felt this enormous weight lift. It was like being set free from prison for a crime that I did not commit.

Did I forgive too soon? Am I the only one that has that right to forgive? Am I supposed to forgive the other person? Am I supposed to forgive myself even though I am not at fault?
With all of my infractions in this relationship, am I supposed to be forgiven as well? What do I do if he doesn't forgive me for what I have done, even though I did everything that I could to make amends for the things that I have done wrong?
Is it ok to ask questions about that relationship? What is the easiest way to get someone who seems closed off to open up to you?

Am I doing the right thing?

 

[healthbound]

Welcome to psychlinks, Tommy. I'm glad you found us.

 

[Losttommy]

Thanks, Health. I am overjoyed at finding you, too. I have learned so much in the last 24 hours of finding this site, and have already put to use some of the information that I have found here.

Well, since I found out yesterday, I have been having fits of anxiety and crying so much that I got headaches from it.

But I found the strength, somehow and from somewhere, to tell him that I forgave him. After I did this, I felt this enormous weight lift. It was like being set free from prison for a crime that I did not commit.

Did I forgive too soon? Am I the only one that has that right to forgive? Am I supposed to forgive the other person? Am I supposed to forgive myself even though I am not at fault?
With all of my infractions in this relationship, am I supposed to be forgiven as well? What do I do if he doesn't forgive me for what I have done, even though I did everything that I could to make amends for the things that I have done wrong?
Is it ok to ask questions about that relationship? What is the easiest way to get someone who seems closed off to open up to you?

Am I doing the right thing?


I just realized that I typed the exact same thing as in my previous post.... Sorry...

 

[healthbound]

Lots of questions...I wish I had some answers.

Sounds like you're working through it though which is awesome :hug:

 

[Losttommy]

I don't really have much else going on right now.

 

[Into The Light]

i think you need time to work through your feelings and thoughts, and unfortunately doubts are going to come up which makes things hard, but i think it is very natural.

everyone has a right to forgiveness, but ultimately forgiveness isn't done for the sake of the other person, it's done for yourself.

one thing to try and get him to open up to you that you could try is to write a letter to him. through a letter you can think about what exactly it is you want to say, and you can choose your words.

the other option is writing a letter to him that you do not intend to give him, as a means of getting your own thoughts and feelings somewhat figured out a little bit. make sure you don't leave that one lying around though!

the other thing is not to push him too much, give him some time and space. it's kind of a fine balance. if he feels pressured you'll only get the opposite effect.

as for asking about the relationship, i can't remember which article it was, but i remember reading one that mentions that. go through the links dr. baxter gave you and hopefully it's one of those. if not i can do a search for you and find it for you.

 

[Losttommy]

Thanks ITL.

I am not sure I understand what you meant about forgiveness. I think I do, but not really sure. Like I said, I did feel immensely better after telling him that I did. Twelve hours later, I am sure that I made the right decision where that is concerned. I haven't cried once since I did. I haven't had an anxiety attack. I am not really depressed right now. I told him that I forgave him for selfish reasons. I am not sure that he understands that or not. I haven't been verbally pushy with him, I have been sending him emails about what and how I feel, and what is going through my head, and he hasn't responded. I am not sure that he will. I will be patient with him, though, because I want him to get through this as much as he needs to. When he is ready, he knows where I am, and how to find me.

I am not sure about the links that Dr. Baxter posted. I have read each of them, and do not remember if one of them has the information that I am seeking about the relationship they had. I will look at those links again. But if you wouldn't mind looking for any other subject matter, I would really appreciate it. Maybe I overlooked something...

I did look at his text messages, and they are all deleted. I am suspicious. I am suspicious because they are all deleted, and he has information about the other guy that I think he shouldn't have. One of the topics stated that the affair has to end completely. No communication whatsoever.

"First, the affair must end. This includes any and all interaction and communication with the lover. True reinvestment in your marriage can't happen without this."

What happens if the affair was with a business partner? What do I do, or what should I expect if it doesn't end? I don't want to leave him, but I will do what I need to do for myself before I let myself get hurt again. I guess that if he doesn't end it, he truly does not want to be with me. I could be wrong, though...

Tommy

 

[Into The Light]

when i say everyone has the right to forgiveness, i didn't really phrase that very well.

what i meant to say was, you have the right to forgive him. he has the right to forgive you. we all have the right to forgive a person who has hurt us.

i think lana said it best:

Forgiveness is acknowledging that something bad happened, that sometimes life is not fair, that sometimes justice may not be carried out. Forgiveness means letting go of expectations, hurt, and pain. Forgiveness is loving yourself enough not to hold on to things that hurt self and others, and getting rid of the luggage that drags you down, and letting go of the hurt, anger, and frustration as if they were a burning amber in your bare hands...burning you, not those that wronged you. It does NOT mean forgetting, approving, or justifying the wrong done and thus, it is not about laying blame or feeling righteous. It's about draining the venom from the system and focusing on better things in life.

(from Behind the Apology: Forgiveness and blame - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum)

i'm not sure i am being helpful with this, and i don't want to add to your confusion and hurt. if this isn't helping you then please by all means disregard what i am saying.

with regards to asking questions about the relationship, i can't remember enough to find the article for you. it was about a woman who wanted to know all the details from her husband, but this was at a later stage in the healing process. i remember it saying it was very painful and difficult for them both but she felt she really needed to know this before she could move on. i believe the gist of it was to leave that part of things for a little later on in the process.

do you have any friends you can talk to about your hurt?

 

[Losttommy]

ITL.... you were right. Lana didnt even say it best, how she described forgiveness in that paragraph is exactly why i did it, that is exactly what i felt that I had to do.
I won't forget. I won't approve. And it will not ever be justified enough that he carried on a full-blown relationship with someone else.

Lana was spot-on with that paragraph. I hope everyone uses that description of forgiveness.

I do have questions. I want them answered. But not right now. I can't handle that right now. You were right about that. Right now, I need to just maintain. Having the answers to those questions will only make my hurt worse again, and forgiving him won't take that pain away.

No, I really don't have any friends here in Portland. I have people at work but I don't dare let them in on my personal life. I called last night to a psychology service at Pacific University. I will get a call back from them on Monday. I want to find a group that I can go to. Maybe he will come with me sometime. I am hopeful.

 

[momof5]

Hi tommy,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much right now. My heart goes out to you.

As a few are aware of in here, my husband is a recovering AA and had a relaps a couple of years ago, and just about destroyed our marriage. He also was searching for singles online.

I can understand your feelings right now. One thing that i have heard, and for me it is true, but I don't know for others how true it is. It is more easy to forgive somone for what they have done to you, but the forgetting part is what is really difficult.

Your feelings are natrual right now. The anger etc.. I still go through anger peroids where I think after almost 25 years at the time, how could he do that to us?

I want to run away, but there is nowhere on the planet that I can go to where it won't affect me. I want to have sex with 500 different people just so I can feel some sort of satisfaction of revenge. I want to not be this person that I am.

No matter where we run to, we are still going to have the thought processes that we are runing from. having sex with other people isn't going to solve anything, no matter how many or how few it is. Not to mention the fact that you are opening up yourself to transmitable diseases by doing this.

Revenge is only going to complicate matters. And maybe add more guilt to your mind set right now.

If your partner is thinking about counseling, that is good. At least there is a thought process of saving things there.

Check out the links that Doc provided for you. He knows what he is talking about, and there are so many people on here that will be here for you when you need them.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you right now, and I pray that you are able to feel better so that you can work through all of this.

mom

 

[Halo]

Hi Tommy and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

I am glad that you decided to join us and I hope to see you around :wave: