eva
MVP
I'm not sure where to post this but I had a really hard time with my boyfriend over the past few days.
We went out of town to attend conference and to catch up with some friends and colleagues. I was feeling anxious and incredibly awkward at the event because of unresolved conflicts with some close friends who'd hurt my feelings. What they had done was invited us to stay in their hotel for the event, and then apparently backpedaled later, after which they stopped talking to me for 2 months when I expressed my hurt and anger to them.
Saturday: My boyfriend was becoming increasingly impatient and aggravated with my mood but kept pretending nothing was wrong when I asked him about it, only to become more upset when I called him out on it. Some of our other friends let us sit in their room for a while so I could calm down, but when I started crying and saying to him that I felt overwhelmed and like I didn't belong, he decided that we should go home. I felt agitated and upset because he kept pressuring me to make decisions about whether we should go and I couldn't cope with his anger that I sensed. We started arguing on the way to the bus station and he finally lost his temper and started yelling, which made me feel so frightened that I had a panic attack. It felt very sudden and I haven't had one in 6 months. He led me back to the hotel the conference was in and our aforementioned other friends let me sit in the bathroom for a while so we could talk and I could wash my face and relax. My boyfriend found out that the people who "ditched" us on their room plans were staying next door, so he went to confront them. In the meantime I tried to breathe and clear my mind.
When he came back, he told me that it was actually his fault that we'd been left in the cold for a hotel room because evidently, when we'd been invited to stay, he declined on both our behalves (without asking me what I thought) but then completely forgot that he'd even done so. His memory is bad sometimes because he has ADD but he was taking full responsibility for the mistake and saying that I should be mad at him. And I was. Me feeling isolated for 2 months, becoming convinced that I wasn't respected or wanted by our closest friends, unnecessary anxiety, hurt and anger. My first panic attack in 6 months, all that crap because of a completely asinine flub on his part. He apologized thoroughly and said he'd make sure they got in touch with me. Apparently they were unhappy with how I'd expressed my feelings (but at the same time, they'd chosen to sit on it without a word for 2 months). My boyfriend then decided that he'd make things right by helping negotiate and making sure such ridiculous problems could be avoided later.
Meanwhile our other-friends were worried about me and wanted me to come out of the bathroom and eat something. After which we all went to a party and I tried to relax. The party was really nice, a lot of people I like who I hadn't seen in a while were there. My boyfriend was drinking a lot because he wanted to wind down after the stress he'd caused us both. I felt tired from my panic attack but I was having fun with people. Honestly, things were going really well until he made ANOTHER stupid mistake.
In our relationship we are okay with being affectionate and flirty with other people sometimes, but we also have certain boundaries. Which he chose to overstep. There was a girl who was flirting with both of us in a joking sort of way and she asked my boyfriend if he wanted to grope her, which he did without asking me if I was okay with it. I don't blame the girl at all. She was nice, and I didn't know what she wanted or what her intentions were, and it wasn't her job to know the boundaries of other people's relationships. He was the one who failed to set them, and it hurt extremely. I pulled him away from the party and I tried to talk to him about it, but he was too drunk and too tired to listen or respond. He said it would have to wait til the morning, and I (loudly) explained that that wasn't acceptable for me because waiting til the morning meant forcing me to feel anxious and hurt all night on even more unresolved issues. We'd been told by the party host that we could stay in the 'party room' overnight but there was no way I could handle staying overnight with my boyfriend with the way he'd hurt me. My boyfriend then said he wanted me to stop raising my voice and I very bluntly told him that he deserved to be yelled at with what he'd done. He got extremely angry again, kicked the chair he'd been sitting on and walked away.
We both worked out arrangements with people who were kind enough to let us sleep in their rooms so that we could resolve the issue in the morning without forcing me to have to stay near him during the night. But I felt so low, agitated and alone that I attempted self-harm. I didn't want to die. I have no inclinations to suicide at all, but I felt so lost that I didn't know what else would give me a break from my moods except for the sensation of physical pain. It didn't work because the thing I was using wasn't enough to break skin. All I really accomplished was giving myself a rash. After 5-10 minutes of trying I told myself, "Stop, this isn't working" and went to sleep.
Sunday: I met up with my boyfriend in the morning and he apologized and we talked a lot. He bought me some breakfast and we spent the day talking. The friends who let me use their room the previous day for calming down from panic let us sit in again so me and boyfriend could rest and talk things out while they were downstairs checking out more of the conference. I eventually worked up the courage to tell him about my attempt to hurt myself. He took it hard. He felt so angry at himself and guilty that he was panicking severely and repeatedly calling himself a failure. He was actually starting to scare me so I got him to stretch out and breathe and play with his Ipod for a while to calm down.
Once he was calm we decided to go home and on the way out, I realized that he might have been so upset because he'd barely had any food or water all day. But once we finally got home, I just started arguing with my parents. We went to my bedroom and I cried a lot and talked about how I felt hurt. All the stress building up with everyone just left me hurting. He gave me hugs and helped me be calm. I was completely exhausted so we ordered pizza and he went home after a few hours. We agreed that I would be more comfortable if I had a few days to myself where I didn't have to worry about him.
Today: I am having a hard time knowing what to make of all this. It was such a big, absurd amount of stress packed into 2 days. Even though people apologized for their actions it's hard for me to stop feeling hurt and wronged immediately. I still feel exhausted. After getting all this out and trying to think about it reasonably and calmly I think I want to start seeing a counselor. I haven't seen anyone since I finished CBT in April 2012. I can't tell if all that stress this weekend was coincidental or if it was building up from my own life and feelings.
We went out of town to attend conference and to catch up with some friends and colleagues. I was feeling anxious and incredibly awkward at the event because of unresolved conflicts with some close friends who'd hurt my feelings. What they had done was invited us to stay in their hotel for the event, and then apparently backpedaled later, after which they stopped talking to me for 2 months when I expressed my hurt and anger to them.
Saturday: My boyfriend was becoming increasingly impatient and aggravated with my mood but kept pretending nothing was wrong when I asked him about it, only to become more upset when I called him out on it. Some of our other friends let us sit in their room for a while so I could calm down, but when I started crying and saying to him that I felt overwhelmed and like I didn't belong, he decided that we should go home. I felt agitated and upset because he kept pressuring me to make decisions about whether we should go and I couldn't cope with his anger that I sensed. We started arguing on the way to the bus station and he finally lost his temper and started yelling, which made me feel so frightened that I had a panic attack. It felt very sudden and I haven't had one in 6 months. He led me back to the hotel the conference was in and our aforementioned other friends let me sit in the bathroom for a while so we could talk and I could wash my face and relax. My boyfriend found out that the people who "ditched" us on their room plans were staying next door, so he went to confront them. In the meantime I tried to breathe and clear my mind.
When he came back, he told me that it was actually his fault that we'd been left in the cold for a hotel room because evidently, when we'd been invited to stay, he declined on both our behalves (without asking me what I thought) but then completely forgot that he'd even done so. His memory is bad sometimes because he has ADD but he was taking full responsibility for the mistake and saying that I should be mad at him. And I was. Me feeling isolated for 2 months, becoming convinced that I wasn't respected or wanted by our closest friends, unnecessary anxiety, hurt and anger. My first panic attack in 6 months, all that crap because of a completely asinine flub on his part. He apologized thoroughly and said he'd make sure they got in touch with me. Apparently they were unhappy with how I'd expressed my feelings (but at the same time, they'd chosen to sit on it without a word for 2 months). My boyfriend then decided that he'd make things right by helping negotiate and making sure such ridiculous problems could be avoided later.
Meanwhile our other-friends were worried about me and wanted me to come out of the bathroom and eat something. After which we all went to a party and I tried to relax. The party was really nice, a lot of people I like who I hadn't seen in a while were there. My boyfriend was drinking a lot because he wanted to wind down after the stress he'd caused us both. I felt tired from my panic attack but I was having fun with people. Honestly, things were going really well until he made ANOTHER stupid mistake.
In our relationship we are okay with being affectionate and flirty with other people sometimes, but we also have certain boundaries. Which he chose to overstep. There was a girl who was flirting with both of us in a joking sort of way and she asked my boyfriend if he wanted to grope her, which he did without asking me if I was okay with it. I don't blame the girl at all. She was nice, and I didn't know what she wanted or what her intentions were, and it wasn't her job to know the boundaries of other people's relationships. He was the one who failed to set them, and it hurt extremely. I pulled him away from the party and I tried to talk to him about it, but he was too drunk and too tired to listen or respond. He said it would have to wait til the morning, and I (loudly) explained that that wasn't acceptable for me because waiting til the morning meant forcing me to feel anxious and hurt all night on even more unresolved issues. We'd been told by the party host that we could stay in the 'party room' overnight but there was no way I could handle staying overnight with my boyfriend with the way he'd hurt me. My boyfriend then said he wanted me to stop raising my voice and I very bluntly told him that he deserved to be yelled at with what he'd done. He got extremely angry again, kicked the chair he'd been sitting on and walked away.
We both worked out arrangements with people who were kind enough to let us sleep in their rooms so that we could resolve the issue in the morning without forcing me to have to stay near him during the night. But I felt so low, agitated and alone that I attempted self-harm. I didn't want to die. I have no inclinations to suicide at all, but I felt so lost that I didn't know what else would give me a break from my moods except for the sensation of physical pain. It didn't work because the thing I was using wasn't enough to break skin. All I really accomplished was giving myself a rash. After 5-10 minutes of trying I told myself, "Stop, this isn't working" and went to sleep.
Sunday: I met up with my boyfriend in the morning and he apologized and we talked a lot. He bought me some breakfast and we spent the day talking. The friends who let me use their room the previous day for calming down from panic let us sit in again so me and boyfriend could rest and talk things out while they were downstairs checking out more of the conference. I eventually worked up the courage to tell him about my attempt to hurt myself. He took it hard. He felt so angry at himself and guilty that he was panicking severely and repeatedly calling himself a failure. He was actually starting to scare me so I got him to stretch out and breathe and play with his Ipod for a while to calm down.
Once he was calm we decided to go home and on the way out, I realized that he might have been so upset because he'd barely had any food or water all day. But once we finally got home, I just started arguing with my parents. We went to my bedroom and I cried a lot and talked about how I felt hurt. All the stress building up with everyone just left me hurting. He gave me hugs and helped me be calm. I was completely exhausted so we ordered pizza and he went home after a few hours. We agreed that I would be more comfortable if I had a few days to myself where I didn't have to worry about him.
Today: I am having a hard time knowing what to make of all this. It was such a big, absurd amount of stress packed into 2 days. Even though people apologized for their actions it's hard for me to stop feeling hurt and wronged immediately. I still feel exhausted. After getting all this out and trying to think about it reasonably and calmly I think I want to start seeing a counselor. I haven't seen anyone since I finished CBT in April 2012. I can't tell if all that stress this weekend was coincidental or if it was building up from my own life and feelings.
