Harassed and tormented in a library for sticking up for my rights?

[LibraryIncident]

I arrived to a designated quiet study area in my campus library because I had a lot of work to do.

There was a couple sitting at a carrel making a LOT of noise, shrieking with laughter and chatting rather loudly. It was pretty early in the morning, so there was no one else here except me and this couple.

I walked over and kindly and respectfully explained to them (with a friendly smile on my face, too): “Guys, I’m not trying to be rude or anything, and I’m sorry to disrupt you, but this is supposed to be a quiet study area, and I have a lot of work to do, so if you could please keep it down, I’d appr—“

The woman then cut me off mid-sentence, stood up out of her chair, and started shouting very loudly at me. I swear, if there had been any windows nearby, they would have shattered. I don’t remember what she said word-for-word, but I’ll try and recall it as best I can:

“HEY A***HOLE YOU JUST GOT HERE AND YOU AREN’T EVEN DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT, AND WE HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN HERE FOR TWO MINUTES SO THERE’S NO NEED TO GET ALL *FUSSY*!”

Honestly, this reaction scared me a bit; I walked back to my carrel and sat down before she had even finished her hissy fit, but she continued shouting this in my direction even after I walked away.

They stopped making noise after this, though.

Soon after, the man packed up his stuff and moved elsewhere. The woman, however, disrupted me from my work AGAIN:

“F-Y-I, if you really needed it quiet, you should go to that room over there; (*gestures to a small, windowed room where the sun always shines making it impossible to view your laptop screen*) no one makes noise there. It’s not supposed to be THAT quiet over here. There were two people SHOUTING last night and we didn’t say ANYTHING to them!”

While saying this, she was pointing her finger at me menacingly and was speaking through clenched teeth. I honestly couldn’t believe that a University student could be so unsympathetic to other people’s rights to get their work done in a library, and I did not have time for the long and complicated ordeal it would be if the situation escalated to blows, so I just said:

“Yes, you’re right, I’m sorry, I apologize if I was rude to you.”

“What’s that?”

“Yes, you’re right, I’m sorry, I apologize if I was rude to you.”

The woman then turned her face from me in disgust, deliberately gave me a cold-shoulder while packing her bags, and then went off to rejoin that man.

This is still making me very angry to dwell on, though it happened almost a year ago.

I find myself returning to this library very often looking for this woman again, but I haven’t seen her since.

How can I overcome this incident? I am finding it very difficult to just “let it go”, because if this is what’s going to happen when I might fail a course, because I don’t have a place to study in peace, then what?

 

[Mari]

This is still making me very angry to dwell on, though it happened almost a year ago.

H! I also had an incident at the library about a year ago and it still bothers me. My situation was slightly different but I have never felt comfortable at that library since and although I used to go at least once a week I have not been in months. It sounds like you handled the situation fine but letting go is not always easy. I do not have any particular advice or insight but you did remind me of the incident that occurred with me. I think a library should be a peaceful place to read and study.

 

[LibraryIncident]

I just find it difficult to swallow that this occured a University campus library, which, of all libraries, you would expect to be the most quiet.

It makes me angry to think that I was right, I was polite, I was respectful, and got my head bitten off for it.

 

[Andy]

Well if it makes you feel a tad bit better, I think you did the right thing by just apologizing (even thought you were VERY right) and de-escalating the whole situation. If this woman wasn't understanding to the fact that you were there to study despite her plans to do as she pleased without respect for others then I highly doubt she would have been receptive to anything you had to say. Sometimes I find it hard to let things like this go as well. I do believe you had every right to ask them to be quiet though so maybe you could try to think of it that way and know that they were in the wrong and you just did what you had to do to keep things from escalating by apologizing even though you were completely in the right.

 

[adaptive1]

Any idea why it bothers you on a deeper level besides the fact the woman was very rude? Sometimes I find certain things like that bother me because they remind me of a time in my life that I felt like I had no voice. When I was growing up, I was often made to feel that I had no right to speak up and that my needs weren't important. When ever I feel taken advantage of or mistreated in some way, it's like that old scene is playing out again. The difference is I am an adult now, it's ok if people don't like me, I have a right to express my needs. The woman was being rude and you called her out on it, maybe it is hard for you to be involved in conflict, maybe you feel like you have to please people and you resent that on some level.


None of this could be true for you, does anything that happened feel familiar about the experience?

 

[LibraryIncident]

I think it's more the fact that I got shouted at and abused by a complete stranger when I really did nothing to deserve it. Maybe I don't get out enough, but that really sticks with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm also curious about the woman's behavior. Why would anyone respond that way?

 

[adaptive1]

You never know what's going on with people, I got yelled at by a co worker a month ago and the person was loud and aggressive, it made me mad at the time, later I found out they had a drug problem and they ended up terminated. So, it really was nothing to do with me at ll.

 

[LibraryIncident]

Yeah, I really can't get over it. I just fantasized about (striking out) for about the 3rd time today.

 

[rdw]

Now it is your problem not theirs any longer. You may really want to examine why this bothers you so much a year after the incident. Your rumination and fixation gives that woman more power over you today than she had in the original encounter. Could your anger with her be a cover for your anger with someone else or about something else?

 

[LibraryIncident]

No, it's definitely the incident itself I'm angry about.

---------- Post Merged at 03:10 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:56 PM ----------

Well, I think it's just the fact that she was so belligerent when I was quite clearly right - there were signs EVERYWHERE in plain sight that clearly explained it was a quiet study area, yet she shouted very loudly at me and continued to confront me after I walked away from the problem.

 

[adaptive1]

I think you have to make peace with the fact you will never get the answers you are looking for and let your anger go somehow. It is hard to let go of not being in control of everything, one thing that having OCD has taught me well. You have to accept that you will never know why she did what she did, you cant control how other people react to you and not everyone plays by the rules. Some people chose to get a rise out of other people because they can or because they have their own stories and there are times where there is no explanation and sort of a group mentality takes over.

Look at how that poor bus monitor lady was abused by a group of teenagers on a bus in the United States. Who knows why they acted like that, I heard one of the fathers came forward and say he was shocked how his son acted and he hadnt raised him like that. I think in the right circumstances, some people behave badly and its hard to accept that but it is reality. All you can do is try to surround yourself with ones that care about you and will look out for you.

 

[Retired]

What's puzzling is that a random meeting with an inconsiderate person one year ago continues to evoke anger and frustration.

The world is made up of people with a variety of personalities that can range from warm and responsive to impersonal and aggressive. There's no way of predicting who will react in what way, because we just don't know what's going on in another person's head.

When someone reacts in an inappropriate or exaggerated fashion contrary to the way most people would respond in a similar situation, you almost have to assume that person is under some type of stress at best or dealing with some type of psychological pathology at worst.

Most people would just dismiss that kind of behaviour for what it is and not be bothered by it.

Obviously, in your case, you have been profoundly affected.

Have there been other incidents in your life that have caused long lasting troubling effects on you, to the same extent as this incident?

What do you think it would take to help you come to terms with this memory?

If you were faced with a similar situation today, how do you think your would handle it? Share with us what you would say to that person, if it happened today.

 

[sweetsoleil]

Im sorry that happened to you! I would have done the same thing that you did, apologize, even though she didnt deserve it, and then feel angry that someone could be so rude.

I don't know if it would help you at all, but what i tend to do with that type of situation, is pity the person instead of feeling angry at them. I would say to myself "wow, she must have a hard life if that is how she interacts with strangers" or "gee, i bet she goes home and rethinks her actions and feels horribly guilty about what she did"..anything that keeps the situation on HER instead of me. Maybe she was never taught proper manners and just really doesnt know any better. I know its a horrible feeling to be yelled at or disrespected for no reason what so ever. THe thought of that happening makes me feel sick inside. But thats just my way of not carrying around the horrible feelings that happens when someone does something like that. I think some people just have "issues" that they havent received help for yet. (or drug or alcohol issues) THe best way to win that is to try hard to not give that person another second of your thoughts, they dont deserve to be thought about

take care!

 

[LibraryIncident]

What's puzzling is that a random meeting with an inconsiderate person one year ago continues to evoke anger and frustration.

The world is made up of people with a variety of personalities that can range from warm and responsive to impersonal and aggressive. There's no way of predicting who will react in what way, because we just don't know what's going on in another person's head.

When someone reacts in an inappropriate or exaggerated fashion contrary to the way most people would respond in a similar situation, you almost have to assume that person is under some type of stress at best or dealing with some type of psychological pathology at worst.

Most people would just dismiss that kind of behaviour for what it is and not be bothered by it.

Obviously, in your case, you have been profoundly affected.

Have there been other incidents in your life that have caused long lasting troubling effects on you, to the same extent as this incident?

What do you think it would take to help you come to terms with this memory?

If you were faced with a similar situation today, how do you think your would handle it? Share with us what you would say to that person, if it happened today.

I have a history of not letting things go easily, like the time when my dad was teaching me how to drive and he accidentally almost made me hit a pedestrian - I stayed angry with him for months and I still get worked up when I think about it.

Maybe I'm angry that I don't have power and control over situations like this? I remember telling him again and again how angry I was that it was his fault I almost hit someone and got shouted and middle-fingered by someone.

If I was faced with a similar situation to the library thing today, I'd probably handle it the same way because I really don't have time for stuff like that. I'd de-escalate and diffuse the situation and prevent it from getting physical at all costs. I'm not physically strong and I don't have time for legal consequences either.

---------- Post Merged at 09:54 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:52 AM ----------

Im sorry that happened to you! I would have done the same thing that you did, apologize, even though she didnt deserve it, and then feel angry that someone could be so rude.

I don't know if it would help you at all, but what i tend to do with that type of situation, is pity the person instead of feeling angry at them. I would say to myself "wow, she must have a hard life if that is how she interacts with strangers" or "gee, i bet she goes home and rethinks her actions and feels horribly guilty about what she did"..anything that keeps the situation on HER instead of me. Maybe she was never taught proper manners and just really doesnt know any better. I know its a horrible feeling to be yelled at or disrespected for no reason what so ever. THe thought of that happening makes me feel sick inside. But thats just my way of not carrying around the horrible feelings that happens when someone does something like that. I think some people just have "issues" that they havent received help for yet. (or drug or alcohol issues) THe best way to win that is to try hard to not give that person another second of your thoughts, they dont deserve to be thought about

take care!

Thank you

I don't know though; if someone knows internet acronyms like "F-Y-I" I don't think modern culture and etiquette are foreign to them.

---------- Post Merged at 11:11 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:52 AM ----------

I really do want closure for this situation though. I find myself returning to this library very frequently searching for this woman, but I haven't seen her since.