Hating life. Won't get better.

[Crazy Cat]

I've thought about suicide many times, as some do, but always thought that I wouldn't have the courage to do it or whatever. Today that changed.

I have borderline personality disorder, major depression & ADHD.

I've been feeling unsettled lately, like something bad is going to happen. Today I started crying for actually, several reasons, which led me to lock myself in the bathroom even though no one else was around, and scream & cry & talk & complain to the 4 walls. Every little thing, piece by piece that has broken me.

I always said I would never kill myself because my cats need me. Pathetic? maybe. But its true. No one could love & care for them as I do. But thats another story.

But today.....today I wanted to die and didn't care. I went thru the same things everyone else does when they think this way....no one will care, no one will miss me, I have no future, and on and on. And the thing is, although I've known this for a long time, today I realized that its all true. I was shaking so bad. I went to my "escape" and lie in bed but today it didn't feel like my oasis....today it was just something else that was wrong in my life.

I have no friends, I've driven them all away and yet, for some reason I don't know what I did.....(how's that for being clueless & stupid?) my family doesn't speak to me and my relationship with my husband is bad. We're basically roommates and if I ever bring up how I'm feeling or whatever, he says I don't need to worry, I have trivial worries & I worry about stupid things and that HE's the one with all the problems.

What he's done to me, no, he doesn't see. But I won't get into that story here.

I emailed my sister, not intentionally wanted to tell her what happened but then I just got on a roll.....I got no response. I told my husband that if we had insurance I probably would have gone to the hospital myself today. I wasn't going to say anything but I was still shaking and he asked what was wrong. He said I turn everything around to be his fault and the usual arguement.

I told him that I felt that I'm repulsive & no one should ever have to see me or be stuck with me. Know what he said??? "I'm sorry you feel that way".....then a few minutes later "I'm going to lay on the couch".

We haven't loved eachother in years but is this what happens?? or should I say did I do this to everyone around me because of my BPD? I thought he at least cared somewhat for me. We've been together for 23 years. Is this a normal reaction? Its not like I ever said I would do anything...I said I thought about it in the past, but never told him anything like I did today. So I wouldn't say it was a "cry wolf" response.

Because now I'm even more serious about what I want. I'm not even sure why I'm writing here because no one knows me and the only reason people say "we care", blah, blah, blah is because its supposedly the "right" thing to say.

I don't know. I never thought it would come to this.

Or is this the manipulitive side of BPD? I just want someone who I actually know to say they care and mean it. But I can hold my breath for that.

Oh, I can't leave because my husband took/spent all our money, we owe more on our mortgage now than when we bought the house 20 years ago, he tricked me into not divorcing him because he didn't want to give me 1/2 of his business (which I didn't want in the first place), and more and more and more. All these things he did behind my back. The sheriff's dept came looking for him a couple years ago and wanted to search the house for him. Supposedly he didn't respond to a court thing, and I really don't want to know, but now I wonder who's coming. The house is in foreclosure, he owes the IRS, he has multiple lawsuits with his business (thank god my name isn't on it), etc.

I feel like I'm trapped by his stupidity and his lies. He even took a line of credit out on our mortgage to do something with his business and I didn't find out until years later! And thats not even the personal stuff!

God I hate my life.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Hating Life, Won't get better

Since you are eligible for Medicaid, you may be able to afford therapy even with the financial difficulties at home.

In the meantime, I know DBT isn't for everybody, but DBT's crisis survival skills have been well-researched when it comes to mitigating suicidal tendencies. The skills are relatively simple to learn on one's own (as I did for my suicidal thinking):

Crisis Survival Video Text
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...or-therapy-dbt-distress-tolerance-skills.html

Though the hard part is applying these skills when one doesn't feel it, Marsha Linehan does a good job at motivating the material:

What if none of the skills work? What do you think you should do then? Start over. Just start right back over from the top. The idea is don't give up. Keep trying skill after skill after skill after skill. You'll find one sooner or later.

And, you have to remind yourself that Crisis Survival skills work if you survive the crisis. All you're trying to do in a crisis when you can't make it better is to not make it worse. Some people think, 'Oh, I didn't feel any better, therefore these skills don't work.' Well, feeling better is almost always going to require solving the problem. Or at least starting to solve the problem.

Crisis survival is when you can't solve the problem. And you can't even start solving the problem so they're just trying to get you through it. So you have to ask yourself, 'Did I get through it? Did I carry on? Did I avoid making it worse?' If you can say yes then you can say, 'I was skillful.' So that's the whole point of these skills.

Listen, I know making your life better is going to take a lot of work. I'm not forgetting that little detail. I know it's true. And these skills... they may seem sort of trivial, like they're not important. But take it from me, they are important. Because to make your life better, to get where you want to get, you have to survive crises. There is no other way. You can't make it if you don't. Its life and death. You've got to do it. And these skills, I think, will help.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/crisis_surival_video_part_7.html

 

[Crazy Cat]

Thanks for the info. I'm feeling a bit better today but I know its only a matter of time before I feel I've hit bottom again.

I know I qualify for Medicare when I hit the 2nd year of disability, which will be next July. As for Medicaid, in all honesty, I don't know if I'm eligible and if I am I'm embarrassed to use it. The good docs don't take it anyway. I'd probably end up at a clinic in a bad neighborhood, which I don't want to do. I'm even embarrassed by Medicare because I'm not of retirement age and actually, I'd love to think that I'd be off disability by then. Its not that I look down on anyone who uses either....I just feel like if I use it, i'm taking away from someone who REALLY needs it.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Right now, you really need it, no?

 

[Daniel E.]

And remember, you don't live in Canada. So if you are in an accident, you will have even more financial problems (from healthcare bills).

 

[Daniel E.]

Or is this the manipulitive side of BPD?

BTW:

Linehan has a particular dislike for the word "manipulative" as commonly applied to these patients. She points out that this implies that they are skilled at managing other people when it is precisely the opposite that is true. Also the fact that the therapist may feel manipulated does not necessarily imply that this was the intention of the patient. It is more probable that the patient did not have the skills to deal with the situation more effectively.

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/dbtoverview2.htm