Hell is repetition

[vernulas]

Hi. I'm not sure if I should be here or in the OCD section! There's definitely anxiety and stress involved but I don't know if what I have could be described as OCD - hopefully you can clarify this for me and provide some useful advice.

I apologise in advance for this being lengthy. For the best part of a year now I have been worried and stressed out with what to me is an obsessive preoccupation with graphically disturbing mental imagery. The recurrent theme is one of self mutilation (or sometimes my wife or daughter. At this stage I should point out that I feel absolutely no violent impulse to myself , my family or anyone else - it is purely a mental loop that has been established and which is repeating itself nearly constantly). Unfortunately my mind seems to gravitate to the images that will cause the maximum level of discomfort in a visual sense and the greatest level of insult to my own values or morality. I think my abhorrence to the imagery and the consequent emotional response is what is perpetuating the process. I just don't seem to be able to turn it off and I realise that in trying to I am probably further exacerbating the problem.

I admit that it was with a certain degree of relief that I read some of the related threads which seemed to describe people in a similar state of distress for problems of a like nature. There is comfort in realising you're not crazy and if you are you have company.

Rather than go in to the unpleasantness of the thoughts/images themselves, it is sufficient to say that razors and knives (and really any sharp edged instrument you will permit your mind to imagine) make me cringe and feel anxious. It really is appalling what the mind is capable of conjuring.

I feel worried that this has lasted as long as it has. Worried that I apparently have no control. Worried that this is not going to stop. There is an underlying fear with all of this and , of course, a fear of the fear.

I hope all of this does not sound too depraved. I feel obliged to say that I am a good person and I love my family very much - I'm just tired of this mental circus and l want it to end.

Your insights would be most welcome. Once again, sorry for the longwinded nature of this message.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: Hell is repetition.

No, it doesn't sound depraved. It sounds as if you're under an incredible amount of stress. I'm sorry that you're feeling this stressed vernulas.

Are you currently in therapy? (psychologist or psychiatrist). I read your post and think that the stress level at which you're functioning could be a little relieved with some therapy...

Those images would definitely be disturbing to anyone. But they are just images...

 

[vernulas]

Re: Hell is repetition.

Hi Jazzey
No I am not seeing anyone about the problem. I have spoken with my wife and a couple of family members and that helped a bit. I kind of hoped that if I just relaxed to all of this and accepted the thing for what it is it would eventually lose its power. But it has been nearly a year and it's still here.
I'm not embarrassed to seek therapy but I have suspicions that going into this in detail is going to be counter-productive - I might be wrong.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: Hell is repetition.

Hi Vernulas, and before I forget - welcome to psychlinks

A year ago I was really stressed which triggered some pretty bad thoughts (through distorted thinking because of depression). I was convinced that I could manage all of it through diet and exercise (and just relaxing). Sometimes we just need that extra support.

Unfortunately, when we're at the height of stress and anxiety, our mind doesn't really give us the objective perspective that we truly need...

To cut the story to its shorter version, I started seeing a psychologist last September and, have discovered a lot about myself and my thinking patterns. While a year ago I would have sworn that my problems were not worthy of that kind of support, I now recognize that I just wasn't thinking clearly about my situation anymore...

What you've posted above really places me back at that time vernulas. And, realistically, there's nothing to lose in even going to one consult with a psychologist just to see where you are mentally - sometime we need that objective perspective from someone who really is removed from our situation.

I'm happy to hear that you're not opposed to it. And, from a purely personal perspective, I would recommend just going and speaking with someone. If you end up not needing it, you haven't lost anything in the process.

 

[NicNak]

Re: Hell is repetition.

Hi there Vernulas. I am not a doctor, but your symptoms sound very simular to mine that I experienced for a while.

It was told to me that they were "Racing and intrusive thoughts". If this is infact what you are experiencing. As you said, the more one tries to conscientiously stop them, they seem to become worse.

It felt like my mind was full of what I discribed as "background noise". Either it be running conversations over in my mind of the day, along with songs. You name it. All at once, flooding me.

Then I would have horrible ideas, such as you discribed.

One thing about those ideas or "intrusive thoughts". I realized they scared me even more because it is so far away from how I am as a person. I am a very gentle person and wouldn't hurt a thing so for me to think such a thing scared me alot.

I can't imagine how you feel, going through this for a year. After 3 months, I had to go to my Family Doctor for help. I had not slept as the thoughts were racing through the night and I would get panic attacks with the intrusive thoughts.

Honestly I would highly recomend you see a doctor. There is help, with meds and therapy that particular symptom is treatable. It was for me. I no longer have them to that extent and now I have learned to cope with them.

I really feel for you, cause I know how awful that can be. There is no reason to suffer like that :support:

 

[Retired]

Re: Hell is repetition.

Vernulas,

Welcome to Psychlinks!

I have suspicions that going into this in detail is going to be counter-productive

Why would you come to that conclusion?

It is likely you are experiencing Intrusive Thoughts. These are often looping thoughts that are unpleasant, or thoughts that suggest unspeakable acts, that are not part of your usual thought process and generally opposed to your moral standards.

There are numerous articles on postings on the topic of intrusive thoughts on Psychlinks for which you may wish to search, using the search tool.

To get you started on a helpful resource, have a look at this posting on intrusive thoughts written by Dr. Baxter.

Some people may experience "pure obsessional OCD" in which they report experiencing obsessions without observable compulsions.

These obsessions often manifest as thoughts, impulses or "mental images" of committing an act they consider to be harmful, violent, immoral, sexually inappropriate, or sacrilegious.

For individuals with pure obsessional OCD, these thoughts can be frightening and torturous precisely because they are so antithetical to their values and beliefs.

I don't think if you discussed these thoughts with a doctor or therapist that the therapist or doctor would be shocked.

The kind of thought pattern is not at all bizarre or unusual, according to my understanding, and is indeed treatable.

There is a long way between intrusive thoughts and acting on these thoughts.

We often feel that the thoughts, feelings and behaviours we experience are unique and no one else in the world has ever experienced this, so it becomes one's deepest darkest secret.

You can be assured, your therapist will support you when you talk about this, and once you are re-assured the diagnosis is not unusual, and that the diagnosis actually has a name, the weight of a thousand tons will have been lifted from your shoulders.

I would persuade you to start a conversation with your doctor of therapist about this on your next visit.

 

[ladylore]

Re: Hell is repetition.

Welcome to Psychlinks.

 

[Halo]

Re: Hell is repetition.

Hi Vernulas and welcome to Psychlinks :welcome2:

 

[texasgirl]

Hello Vernulas - welcome to the forum. :wave:

TG

 

[vernulas]

Re: Hell is repetition.

TSOW
Thanks for your comments and the link. The situation seems to require professional assistance however I confess to feeling somewhat relieved of a certain amount of stress already by having 'put it out there' and read some of the predicaments others find themselves in.
If it doesn't improve further I'll take your advice. Thanks.

---------- Post added later and automatically merged ----------

Hi NikNak
Thank you for sharing that. It does really help to know that I'm not an isolated case and that it is more normal (if that's the word) than I thought.
I'm glad that you're feeling better - did it take long?
Also, do you think the therapy got to the heart of the matter or is it something that requires ongoing 'psychological maintenance'?

 

[NicNak]

Re: Hell is repetition.

Hi NikNak
Thank you for sharing that. It does really help to know that I'm not an isolated case and that it is more normal (if that's the word) than I thought.
I'm glad that you're feeling better - did it take long?
Also, do you think the therapy got to the heart of the matter or is it something that requires ongoing 'psychological maintenance'?

I am glad you found it helpful :support:

The medication helped within a few weeks to be honest. I have always been a firm believer in medication as well as therapy because, the medication takes the edge off the symptoms and allowed for me to work through the cause.

I had witnessed a bad hit and run accident, which I had the first panic attack. I gave a witness statement to the police. The weeks afterwards, there was weird coincidence that I knew the person who caused the accident and he was known to be violent. It wasn't until about 3 months after, that I found out that the person had plead guilty and there would be no trial.

The shock of witnessing that and topped off with the fear of this person possably becoming violent toward me or my family as a result was the main cause.

The therapy helped to work through those fears, helped me cope. I was able to go off that particular medication after about a year, without those particular symptoms returning. I am still on an anti depressant as well as an anti anxiety pill as required.

There is no shame in reaching out for help. No one I talked to about it thought it was weird or odd. I had talked to my Family Doctor who refered me to a Psychiatrist.

I hope you seriously look into it. It is a horrible symptom and I really feel for you. Just remember there is hope and help out there, and ways to ease the pain. :support:

 

[vernulas]

Thanks again for your concern and candour. I have felt in the last couple of days of using this website that the sharing process has definitely lifted my mood. Not sure if it's realising I'm not alone or the genuine support that comes through from people like yourself. Either way it has made me feel a deal better. For the last 9-10 months I've felt like I've been trapped in a small, dark, grey room and for the 1st time in this period I don't feel that.

It surprises me that in a couple of days I could feel this improvement. It also makes me wonder how serious it could have been if I am starting to feel better about the situation already. Weird... but I know for the last few months I have felt like my life was on hold.

Either way it's good news - so thanks to you and the others that sent in replies.

For further reference on this subject I found an article on OCD ONLINE - Thinking the Unthinkable - very useful.

 

[Into The Light]

being able to share what is bothering us and getting genuine support and feedback back is what helps us work through our problems. i am really glad to hear posting here has helped :yahoo:

 

[Daniel E.]

realising I'm not alone

On that note, I thought this first-person account was pretty good, especially for it's metaphor mentioned in the title:

Amazon.com: Rewind, Replay, Repeat: A Memoir of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Jeff Bell: Books

But my favorite books on intrusive thoughts:

Amazon.com: White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts: Suppression, Obesession, and the Psychology of Mental Control

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/obsessiv...our-steps-dr-jeffrey-schwartz-brain-lock.html

 

[NicNak]

I am so happy you did post. I am also glad it is helping to realize you are not alone, cause you are not.

As I always preach, there is no shame in reaching out. I hope this is a step that makes you feel comfortable to reach out next to your doctors for assistance, as well.

I am so happy posting has helped you feel better about your symptoms. That is great to hear :support:

 

[vernulas]

I think I spoke too soon on Sunday. It was too much to think this could be on the way out so quickly. I was so surprised to drop to such a low stress level. It lasted for 3 days in all but now for one reason or another I feel like I'm slipping back into the same dreary treadmill of unsettling thoughts.
It probably would have been better had it been a moderate improvement rather than having to take a step back with a bigger one.
I suppose the best thing is too realise that it takes time to make progress and small steps are good......

 

[NicNak]

When I was having those particular symptoms I made sure I kept telling myself

"Itty, bitty, baby steps, Rome wasn't built in a day"

Every good day is a good thing. Personally I try to roll with it. Everyone, no matter what has good days and bad days. We are no different, except for our symptoms make things more difficult.

I still applaude you for having three good days and you should too. That is really great!

I consider my life to be like out at sea. Some days the waters are rougher than others, but if I am prepared (with coping skills) I can take the waves with more ease.

One of many things therapy has done for me, is teach me about my symptoms, what triggers them and how I can ease them. With therapy and medication, it really is helpful.

Just like how you felt, being able to open up to us. Therapy can open you up too and and provide some peace.

We can assist you to help you find some resources in your area, when ever you are ready :support:

 

[Into The Light]

if anything, those three days show you that you can feel better and that you aren't going to be stuck with this. keep working on it and in time you will have more and more better days.

 

[vernulas]

Thank you, that's nice to hear.

 

[vernulas]

Feeling a lot better since last entry. Read a good book by Veale & Willson - Overcoming Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Basically the use of CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to help understand the process of OCD and effectively combat and control it. Working very well for me and I would definitely recommend this and other books of a similar approach.