Hi Everyone

[Steven.H]

Hello Again,

I wanted to discuss my relationship with my Fiancee Mia. She has BPD and Bi-Polar. Since we've been seeing each other I've seen her heavily involved in Drugs such as Pot and Ecstasy, Self-Mutilation (Cutting), Attempted Suicide and serious Mood swings.

Most recently we've had 2 major blow outs. Friday night we went to go to this Twilight Midnight release party to get this DVD she's been wanting. So when they tell us to line up i got pushed to the back on the line (We split up because they didn't tell us where to line up) She freaks out and storms out of the store.. On the car ride home she took off her engagement ring and threw it at my front glass window.

After i droped her off home she stormed inside.. I was pretty upset about the entire situation and didn't fully understand it. I went out all over Long Island and found the DVD 2 disk special i got that an a movie poster then went back to her house.. Her mother told me she was sleeping. When i went in her room she had her face burried in her pillow and was hysterical crying. She told me she thought she'd never see me again and that she doesn't deserve me... We made up and that was the night.

The next day i see she has an away message up saying she completely hates her life.. I get worried and call from work but can't get in touch with her... Anyway i wind up calling the police and they sent someone to the house.. She absolutely freaks out on me for that.. I understand i was wrong.. But after her suicide attempt i get worried very easily... I don't think she understands how much of an impact that had on me.

A couple of weeks ago out of nowhere she had this mood swing and just started bluntly making fun of me.. Calling me fat, and telling me she's not attracted to me anymore and that she sometimes overlooks how unattractive i am to her... She said she was hungry and when i suggest i go get her something to eat she says "Oh yeah i know you wouldn't miss a meal" Very very hurtful things... The next day she apologizes and it was downplayed...

Almost as if nothing happened. Every time i brought it up she'd say i already said im sorry what more do you want me to do. About a year ago she was very promiscuous... Even to the extant where she had sex for 50$ to get drugs. This now hurts her a lot.. She's having a real hard time getting over her past... As am i. I feel every fight we have is over this guy who gave her 50$. The smallest things bring her down.. Like tonight we we're finally going to watch this Twilight Movie so we go in her living room and her brother is in their watching a movie when she asked him to leave he said no.. So she said we'll watch it in the Florida room. When we get in their she said she has to go to the bathroom and when she came back just i don't want to watch it anymore. And just seemed really really down... She told me she just wanted to sleep and asked me to leave.

I love her so much.. You have no idea how much i love her. I'm just looking for some help.. I can't live like this much longer.... Everything seems to be an issue. I mean we have AMAZING nights but when something goes wrong it seems to ruin everything. I worry about her a lot... And just want to try and help the situation.. For her... and Myself.. To all you who read this.. I thank you dearly.

Best Regards,
Steven

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Steven,

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. Having been through it myself a few times, I really do understand the heartache.

What I'm going to say here may very well put you off - and I don't mean it to. But I want to tell you honestly what I'm thinking when I read your post...Even though I know that you love her deeply.

Her behaviour towards you is abusive...I'm not saying that you have to end this relationship, but I at least want you to recognize that she's abusive. While I appreciate that she's had a hard time in her life, and I commend you for being such a support to her, I need you to hear me on the abuse issue - while you may not see it right now, her behaviours can be really detrimental to you (self-esteem, self-worth and otherwise).

So I would suggest drawing some really strong boundaries with Mia. Meaning that you can express your love towards her but, she's not entitled to treat you the way that she has...ever.

Mia does have some issues to sort out. And while it's nice that you want to help her, the hard reality is that she has to want to deal with them herself - you can't do it for her...You can support her, you can listen to her. But only when it doesn't jeopardize you...Do you know what I mean by this?

:support:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I agree with Jazzey. She's being abusive. Her mental issues do not give her an excuse to do that.

Is she getting help? Therapy or medication, or both? She really needs to deal with her problems herself. You can be supportive, but you can't really help her beyond that.

I feel bad for you going through this. I feel bad for her too. I know she must be hurting a lot. I hope she can get some help and find some peace.

 

[NicNak]

Hi Steve.

I have to say I agree with Jazzey and Cat Dancer.

It is difficult to be in the situation you are in. Sometimes we think we should stay with someone through anything because we are loyal.

There does come a time, when things cross the line when we have to break loose.

I too have had the lines blured between being loyal to someone and excepting the abuse. In your case I see it how Jazzey and Cat Dancer do, as abusive.

Myself I was in a relationship with someone who had been forced into the army in another country. He was very tramatized by that experience and rightly so. Through out the relationship, I became the "enemy". I could not force him to get help as he didn't see it as something that was a problem.

Seeing my own mental health issues, I had to do what was best for me. It was very difficult because I felt I was abandoning him. I had so many problems letting go because I felt I should stand by him and help him.

The reality of it is, we cannot help them if they are not ready to try and help themselves.

Your girlfriend needs to be recieveing professional help for her Bipolar and Boarderline Personality Disorder.

I think you have to set aside your fear of being selfish and let her go, because she is being abusive toward you.

When we are in abusive relationships usually the other person has such a hold on us that we stay almost out of guilt or in your case possably fear that she will hurt herself. It is very hard, trust me I know.

Now when looking back on it, without the emotional attachment, I sure see how bad my relationship was and how badly my ex had a hold on me.

Councilling might be benificial for you as well to maybe help you see this.

I am so sorry you are going through this Steven :support:

 

[Steven.H]

Thank you for your kind responces.. Jazzey and Cat Dancer. The support is really helpful.

She takes 2 pills a day.. I forget the exact names of them but if she forgets to take them she has some pretty intense mood swings.. If she forgets to take her Morning Pill she gets sick...

It's very hard.. Sometimes. I've actually cut myself over her. My Mental state is good and strong.. Always has been. I love her more then anything.. Now only as my Fiancee but as a friend. Sometimes i bite the bullet just to make her happy..Even when i know she's completely wrong. Her life and the way she was treated by other men is horrible.. I honestly feel bad. I stride every single day to give her all my love and support... And to make sure she never gets hurt again. When she attempted Suicide it absolutely crushed me.. It was a feeling like no other.. Lost, Confused, Extremely Upset.. And overall just a feeling of wanting to get rid of the pain anyway possible. This still hunts me to this very day. I worry much more then i probably should. She was told to seek therapy but never did. After tonight i said therapy is something we need to find. I honestly think it will help her and me. I know deep down when she treats me badly it isn't her.. I know its not an excuse but i can see it in her eyes.. That's not Mia. She almost looks at me differently like she's a different person. When she gets this way no matter what i say it is never good enough weather she's right or wrong. I'm engaged to marry her.. I love her... She's my best friend.... My Fiancee... My Family and my entire Life. I just want things to get better at the age 20 and 21 we should be having the time of our lives... Not dealing with heavy issues. It has reached the point where i need to say something but don't know how to get about it.. She tells me that she has a hard time as it is being happy.. So when something is bothering me and i bring it up it brings her down.... I just don't know.

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Thank you for all your support NicNak

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm sorry you've been hurting yourself. Sounds like you're dealing with an incredible amount of stress.

I think finding a therapist would really help both of you. I hope you can encourage her to go and you could go too.

As far as talking to her about therapy, maybe you could tell her how much it hurts you to see her suffering and you think she could benefit from talking to a professional about what she's been through. I think it really could be a good thing. I hope she will agree to go.

 

[NicNak]

You are welcome Steven :support:

It's very hard.. Sometimes. I've actually cut myself over her.

This is very serious Steven. I would suggest just based on this, that you seek therapy on your own.

My Mental state is good and strong.. Always has been.

I am sorry to say, but since you said you cut yourself, it seems otherwise :support:

Please see your Family Physician for a referal or try to find a therapist to speak too.

The self harming is important to have addressed. It is easy to down play symptoms when they first start to show Steven. Please see your doctor as soon as you can.

It is so important to get early treatment. I will see if I can find online links for your area and post them.

 

[Steven.H]

Thanks Cat Dancer.. I am ok now... She was very concerned when i hurt myself. She's an incredible person... INCREDIBLE. That's why i am so confused it would be one thing if she did nothing for me and treated me soo horribly every day.. However this is not the case. She is very good to me.... When i did that to myself she was upset and mad at the same time.. She used to cut herself for years (Before we met) I've seen her do it once. I know she cares about me. I just want to make this relationship healthy for the both of us.. We're soo much alike and get along great theirs no reason why this can't work out. I'm going to suggest therapy and see what she says... I Know she wants help.. She knows she needs it.

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You are welcome Steven :support:



This is very serious Steven. I would suggest just based on this, that you seek therapy on your own.




I am sorry to say, but since you said you cut yourself, it seems otherwise :support:

Please see your Family Physician for a referal or try to find a therapist to speak too.

The self harming is important to have addressed. It is easy to down play symptoms when they first start to show Steven. Please see your doctor as soon as you can.

It is so important to get early treatment. I will see if I can find online links for your area and post them.

Thanks NicNak.. Your so incredibly kind... I never meant to hurt myself. I just wanted her to care.... And she did.... I haven't done it in months. But i will take your advice and speak to a professional about it. The thing that gets me the most is my Fiancee is in college majoring in Psychology.

 

[NicNak]

Here is some Psychology Centres in West Babylon NY

Psychology Center in West Babylon, NY, New York 11704 - Care Providers Register - Healthcare.com

Psychology Center in West Babylon, NY, New York 11707 - Care Providers Register - Healthcare.com


This is a listing of Psychiatrists in West Babylon.
PsychiatristWest Babylon, NY

Here is a Mental Health Association in Nassau County. Not sure how close this is to you, though.

Mental Health Association of Nassau County (MHA), New York, Not For Profit, membership organization, improving mental health, community, advocacy, education, program development, delivery, direct services, 28 services, adults, children,community-at-large.

Suffolk County,
The Mental Health Association

I hope this is a helpful start on you and your fiance's way to healing :support:

 

[Steven.H]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all again for all the support it really helps. I talked to Mia lastnight.. She's actually been apart of this community for years now... So she went on my computer and read all i have typed. She was very sad and told me how much she loves me.. It was a good thing.. We are going to seek help.. For the both of us.

 

[NicNak]

That is great news Stephen. It will be of great benifit to both of you.

I am so glad that Mia is willing to seek help along with you.

It still might be a good idea for you both to seek individual treatment as well, for your individual issues.

But couples counciling is a great start. I am so happy for you Stephen :support: