Hello all. Just joined this forum. I am 44, female, recently divorced from 20-year marriage to man I have since learned is a narcissist. My goal as of now is to fix myself so that I do not allow myself to be in a sick relationship with anyone again. On my way towards reaching that goal I have begun with reviewing my past & particularly situations & relationships which caused me pain as well as pivotal moments in my life. Figure I cannot understand how to not get in that place again without honestly analyzing/deconstructing how I got there in the first place.
In doing so, I believe I have become much more self-aware. I started this process knowing that I have a couple of issues regarding being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and of divorce and that would be a factor. Codependency, I believe, is what allowed me to be able to survive with my ex for so long. I did not expect that after a lot of reading & thinking, I would realize I actually have an entire constellation of issues and each of them are closely interconnected with & lead into the next. Issues that I thought I had conquered, forgiven & moved on from without any significant effects are, it seems, very much a part of my journey. And then issues that I didn't even realize were issues, thought they were just part of my personality, these are all symptoms of and pathways to the next issue.
My question now, after gaining a basic concept of the above, is where do I start? If these issues are all connected, can one be resolved without the others? Is there a certain ranking or order in which I should focus on them?
Perhaps many people feel this way as well, but I honestly wonder if I shouldn't turn myself over for medical/educational study.
And all of that by the age of 16 - - -
These are all the reasons for each other. I get that much of my story and I'm sure there is more that I don't yet understand. Quite frankly, I wonder how in the world could I have not turned out screwed up with issues?!
Since then I served a few years in the military, had the marriage with the narcissist who wouldn't work or contribute to household & then went into a paranoid jealousy that ultimately threatened my life, raised a beautiful daughter, survived breast cancer at age 36 recently learning that the necessary radiation treatments damaged my heart, survived cardiac arrest & weeks in a coma to recover with only mild brain injury & memory loss.
I woke up unaware that I was having these serious issues in my marriage & had to physically recover still with the narcissist. Finally, left my dream house, which was solely in my name, with only what I could carry & escaped from the situation. I spent a couple of months in a safe place and am starting my life over completely in a brand new place many hours away from my past. Divorce was final a few months ago.
Barely surviving life up to now & realizing my people-pleaser tendency and that I think the best of everyone even after I should, this is why I feel it is so important to fix me before I get involved with the wrong man & wind up back in the same place. I am scared. Scared to meet people, scared to date, scared that I am easy pickings for the users & takers of the world. And, I am self-isolating.
There is my introduction - - any guidance or suggestions would be welcome especially with what do I try & work on first?
Thank you & I wish strength & peace to you all - -
rootbeer
In doing so, I believe I have become much more self-aware. I started this process knowing that I have a couple of issues regarding being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and of divorce and that would be a factor. Codependency, I believe, is what allowed me to be able to survive with my ex for so long. I did not expect that after a lot of reading & thinking, I would realize I actually have an entire constellation of issues and each of them are closely interconnected with & lead into the next. Issues that I thought I had conquered, forgiven & moved on from without any significant effects are, it seems, very much a part of my journey. And then issues that I didn't even realize were issues, thought they were just part of my personality, these are all symptoms of and pathways to the next issue.
My question now, after gaining a basic concept of the above, is where do I start? If these issues are all connected, can one be resolved without the others? Is there a certain ranking or order in which I should focus on them?
Perhaps many people feel this way as well, but I honestly wonder if I shouldn't turn myself over for medical/educational study.
- ACOA
- Child of Divorce
- Parentification
- Codependency
- Abandonment
- Former Foster Child
- Child of Substance Abuser who encouraged my abuse of substances as well
- Used as Designated Driver to parties as teen at which after Alcoholic Parent passed out, I was sexually used by Parent's drunk friends.
- Given Duty to take Responsibility for any Illegal Substance if home was ever raided by police as I would have an easier punishment than Parent who would lose business.
- Caretaker of Seriously Ill Parent - health, meals, meds, transportation to medical appointments, keep business open so income continued all while still finishing high school
- Social Anxiety - which I now realize is due to not experiencing normal situations without letting on that anything was not normal, substances are used in private vs. public so that is where we usually were
And all of that by the age of 16 - - -
These are all the reasons for each other. I get that much of my story and I'm sure there is more that I don't yet understand. Quite frankly, I wonder how in the world could I have not turned out screwed up with issues?!
Since then I served a few years in the military, had the marriage with the narcissist who wouldn't work or contribute to household & then went into a paranoid jealousy that ultimately threatened my life, raised a beautiful daughter, survived breast cancer at age 36 recently learning that the necessary radiation treatments damaged my heart, survived cardiac arrest & weeks in a coma to recover with only mild brain injury & memory loss.
I woke up unaware that I was having these serious issues in my marriage & had to physically recover still with the narcissist. Finally, left my dream house, which was solely in my name, with only what I could carry & escaped from the situation. I spent a couple of months in a safe place and am starting my life over completely in a brand new place many hours away from my past. Divorce was final a few months ago.
Barely surviving life up to now & realizing my people-pleaser tendency and that I think the best of everyone even after I should, this is why I feel it is so important to fix me before I get involved with the wrong man & wind up back in the same place. I am scared. Scared to meet people, scared to date, scared that I am easy pickings for the users & takers of the world. And, I am self-isolating.
There is my introduction - - any guidance or suggestions would be welcome especially with what do I try & work on first?
Thank you & I wish strength & peace to you all - -
rootbeer
Wow you are a survivor! !I hope you find the information you need.
