Hi

[Lily541]

Hi,

I didn't sleep too well last night, slept in son's bed.
He stayed at a friends house for first time ever during the school week.
Sheriff's office and Coalition suggested letting him.
So apologies for random wandering and bouncing all over in post.

I found this site Googling last night.
Some of the information here is unlike any I have read anywhere else and it really made me feel not so bizarre.
I should know all of this, what was I thinking. Gawd.
Yesterday when I went in to the coalition place we were sitting there and the lady was talking to me and doesn't really get it yet.
She showed me typical graph of cycles with Honeymoon phase, etc.
I told her, "We don't even have that."
Funny, she thought I meant I don't suffer from "that."
She didn't realize what I was trying to say was that we don't have a Honeymoon phase. :/ I didn't have it in me to explain.
Then I found something here, at your site.
I found this:

Abuse Cycle

* Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
* Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
* Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
* "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
* Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
* Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

This, I can relate to.
His "normal" is not Honeymoon phase normal.
I feel like printing it out and carrying it close to me.
Thank you so much.

I am walking a tightrope right now so I can't actually share too much.
I need some time.
Move too fast and I actually make it harder.
Move to slow and I will never get out.
Rope is swaying.

I am 7 years in, 5 children.
4 from a previous marriage.
Out of the pan and into the fire.

I have no family, no friends.
Need to make friends as I walk towards the sunlight.

I am in therapy, diagnosed with PTSD, reoccurring and severe major depression and Dissociation.
Big surprise, huh.

Really scared of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong decision, wrong choices.
Once you cross a line there's no going back.
I doubt myself, my sanity, my point of view.

I don't even trust myself any more.

Thank you for letting me ramble.

 

[Dragonfly]

Lily541 - welcome to Psychlinks. I am glad that you found the forum. You aren't / weren't rambling.

I feel like printing it out and carrying it close to me.

Why not do this? Lots of us carry words written on paper ... it is something concrete to look at when the message is so important, but can so easily slip away. With compassion (if this is comfortable for you to receive)....

 

[Andy]

Welcome to PsychLinks Lily541:2thumbs:

 

[Yuray]

Hi Lily:2thumbs:Welcome

You have noticed the abundance of resource info here. Take your time to let out to us as much as you are comfortable with. No hurry. Get to know us and how we relate to each other. You will find a lot of people just like you/us here.

 

[Lily541]

Thank you.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hang in there Lily.

I got out of a less volatile relationship. I think the turning point was not actually when he would say things like, "You're nothing special" or even threatening to put my head through a wall, or grabbing my arm and squeezing, or when he would abandon me for the weekend if I happened to be winning an argument... The turning point for me was when he would break my heart by telling his 6 year old daughter (from another relationship) that she was clumsy, and that she had no 'real' friends, and when we went to the playground he wouldn't let her play with the children after days of isolation with just himself and me - he made her sit until BBQ was ready. It didn't bother me so much that he drove while drinking & smoking MJ with me in the car, but when he did the same for his daughter, that ticked me off. Also he rarely ate, as most of the time he drank or smoked MJ. So I was quite dismayed that he wouldn't stop to think his own daughter was starving at noon after not having anything to eat all morning.

The final straw, though, was when he said he'd never change. That was the day I was working painting faces and playing games with children in the park (part of my summer job). He was supposed to pick me up. Instead I had to walk a long way home, and it was lucky there was a spare key. I don't know why he didn't tell me he was going to a friend's house to get stupidly drunk and wouldn't be home until late at night. I left that night and called my brother who came to pick me up on the street with my bag of clothes.

Funny, I didn't mind that he would treat me like crap, but it pissed me off that he treated his own daughter the way he did. That was my 'I will fix him and change him with my love' period.

Luckily I got the heck out and now I have been married to a wonderful man for about 13 years. So just saying. There's life after this. Keep hoping, keep going, keep making plans to keep yourself safe and your children. You ARE something special. We all are. Don't believe it if anyone tells you otherwise.