Holiday Family Drama

[tryindbt]

Holiday Family Drama...This is what the holidays mean to me...I sort of dread going home for the holidays because I am stuck with everyone and their snide or negative comments...and I am out of my routine of trying to be healthy...and now that Thanksgiving is getting closer..I am getting more anxious about what is to come..Every holiday..it's "did you call your dad"...and "did you call your mom"...or they make faces at me to tell me how much they are disappointed with me that I don't love and hug my parents the way they think I should...and "oh..so, I think your sister is thinner than you this year"..."and, I think she might get married before you"..and, "how much do you weigh now?"...and "your cousin this..." ...and "your sister that..."

And, my family is very passive aggressive too...I never get a "yes, let's do that" or "No, I don't really feel like it today"....and instead say things like "well, I have to be here at 2pm"...or "so and so told me that it's not very good"...or just simply ignore the question......which I can't stand..

I want to go home and see my grandparents..because I love them and I know they are getting older..and they are the closest thing to parents that I have..They were actually good to me and showed me the loved me...But everyone else, can drive me crazy. So, what do I do? How do you guys deal with it?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

Could you go and spend as little time as possible with the people you don't like being around and spend a lot of time with your grandparents? Or is it a package deal?

I dread the holidays too. Ugh.

 

[tryindbt]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

Hey- Cat Dancer You made me laugh with your "ugh"....sorry, I'm not laughing at you..but I'm laughing because you feel the same way! and the kitty is cute..

It's a package deal. I have no way around it. I have some family members that live with my grandparents, so they will always be around. Plus, their home is like home base- everyone goes there daily.

I can cut my time short, but I will most probably regret it because (and I feel bad just thinking about it) I am losing time with them because of these other people. And I really want to be with my grandparents since they are getting older and in their 80s and I am not around them all the time like the other people in my family. And, I am crying right now cuz I really dread it...dread even thinking about it...

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

I'm really sorry. Maybe you could just mostly ignore everyone else. I do think it is important to spend time with people who truly care about you. That is a hard dilemma.

 

[tryindbt]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

Yeah...sigh (need to take a deep breath)....I get stressed just thinking about it. Sort of makes me want to hide. The weird thing is that I do believe the other people there may care about me, maybe not as much as I would like them to care, but I think they do care in their own way. And, I think that they just don't know how to express things and are either not educated enough to know better or to be self aware. And when i say know better...i mean, you need to have some education or self awareness to know you don't tell someone they look fat. Because where does "your sister is gonna get married before you" or "your sister looks thinner than you"....where does that come from?? Who thinks that is appropriate to say?

---------- Post added at 07:30 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:30 AM ----------

what can you say to something like that?

---------- Post added at 07:30 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:30 AM ----------

how can I deal with that?

---------- Post added at 07:35 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:30 AM ----------

One of aunts lives there and I will see her daily at my grandparents house...and for some reason, I keep thinking about this thing that happened to me as a kid....she would often take me to school and when I was 14 I was depressed and suicidal..because there was a chance I would leave my grandparents home and move back with my parents which I really did not want to do...so, I attempted to kill myself because I really did not want to go back to live with them..so i took a handful of sleeping pills..before going to school..and I told my aunt..I took a handful of sleeping pills and I am getting sleepy...and she told me well, I got to get to work so go tell someone else..while she dropped me off at the front of the school. And that just really hurts...because I always loved her..and I just don't see how someone could do that?

---------- Post added at 07:35 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:35 AM ----------

so, she will be there...

---------- Post added at 07:37 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:35 AM ----------

I haven't told many people about that..and I had hidden that away...but it's been on my mind a lot lately...and the thoughts are stronger that the holidays are getting nearer

---------- Post added at 07:37 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:37 AM ----------

and right now i can't help but cry...

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

Wow, that was really awful of your aunt. I don't know why people do those kinds of things. I can't understand that either.

 

[tryindbt]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

...she doesn't even think she did anything wrong.

And, then on top of that...I ended up in the hospital because I told a counselor and while I was at the hospital getting my stomach pumped..and my family was there..this same aunt took the time to ask a nurse that was attending to me..what she could do to lose weight..because she has tried all these diets..but none of them seem to work for her..so what can she do? Then the nurse said, "well you just need to eat healthy and exercise......like her (pointing at me ..at 14), if she ate healthy and exercised she would lose weight like that! (snap of the finger)..but it will take you longer since you are older (talking to my aunt)" ....and I am thinking..I already feel bad enough I tried to kill myself and now this nurse is calling me fat...and my aunt is asking the nurse about a diet while I am getting my stomach pumped?!

why are people so stupid?! I mean, the nurse...wasn't he thinking? How can that be appropriate?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

People who do things like that generally don't, but it doesn't mean she didn't do anything wrong. It was wrong.

 

[tryindbt]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

Thanks for saying that. I never really told anyone about that situation...I wish I would have told the doctor that day..but I didn't really think it was wrong when it happened...I thought it was just normal..but now as an adult, I see how that was wrong...and I think..how can someone do that?

---------- Post added at 08:08 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:52 AM ----------

I think the reason I have been thinking about this is because I recently had some financial issues because I have been unemployed for about a year and a half. Recently I was actually in a pretty bad place because my savings had been wiped out and I asked my family for help to pay some bills. It actually took quite a bit out of me to ask for help, but I did. So, then my aunt had offered to give me 200 dollars. And, this is something I counted on for a certain bill. Three weeks after she was suppose to have deposited it into my account, I was still getting the run around saying she hadn't received her paycheck. Then another aunt told me that she used the money to buy a brand new leather sofa set. This aunt has never lived on her own. She has always lived at home, never had an apt. nothing..just lived at home and she's in her 50s or 60s now. Anyway, she hung up on me when i asked her why she didn't tell me she had used her money on something else because I could have just asked someone else to help me....and she just got upset and hung up on me. And I think that this woman doesn't understand responsibility and that her not helping me at the time she said she would actually caused me to have late payment fees which increased my bill. BUT, all I needed to know was that she couldn't and I could have made arrangements to ask someone else for help at that time.

Anyway, this really upset me. Especially that she hung up on me when this was an important issue that impacted me. And, it just brought back that one memory and I think..this woman just never loved me. No matter how much I loved her, she just never cared about me. She doesn't love me. No matter how much I wish that wasn't true. Now, I want to ask you- do you think she loves me? Which is silly, because you won't know. But, I am asking because I wish it wasn't true....but I think it is.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

That is sad. It sounds like she is selfish and maybe not capable of loving. That's on her and not you though. As much as it hurts at least you can recognize it and that means, to me, that you are not that way at all. You are capable of loving. That's painful, but good. If that makes sense.

 

[Yuray]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

What I am going to say may sound trite and simplistic, but it is the truth, and to act in the manner I am going to point out, is difficult, but not impossible.
"did you call your dad?".......no I didn't get around to it, but I will
"did you call your mom?....no. I was too busy, but I will next time
"I think your sister is thinner than you this year".......good for her, I'm sure she feels good about it
"how much do you weigh now?".........about 160 (or whatever) and it feels good
"your cousin this".....good for her! (or him)
"your sister that"....good for her!

Your family dynamics are set up, and have remained in place for years. Everyone is generally predictable in how they will act, including you. You all play by the same "rule book". If you throw the rule book away, and interact with them without the usual rules, ( and roles) they won't know how to deal with you because you are not following the rules, and not fulfilling predictable expectations. You have empowered them by your predictability. When they get a response from you that is totally opposite from what they expect, they can't consult the rule book for a quick response, because there is no chapter regarding that. They will be confused for the most part, because they are not used to being challenged. You now have the power. (to use wisely)

This approach is a very direct and perhaps confrontational way to get results, but you will have their attention. This approach is difficult to put into practice. It requires a lot of self control, a lot of therapeutic conditioning, and self confidence. These things are possible, but it is a big step, and you will be taking it alone, and on your own without a backup team to cheer you on from the bleachers, (except for those of us in here!) but you can do it.

As for your aunts, well, they are what they are, and they see no reason for change or personal growth. As for your late fees, I don't think you can really lay that at the feet of you aunt, after all, you know who she is, and what to expect. One last bit of wisdom, (from one who has learned the hard way), when you borrow money from family, it can sometimes be a mortgage on your soul, and although the money is paid back, the interest keeps compounding.:fool:

 

[tryindbt]

Re: Holiday Family Drama...

Thanks Cat Dancer..I appreciate your information, that is something to think about. It could be true that she is not capable of loving any longer. And the reason I say that is because she got pregnant and even though she got married, she never moved away from home and her husband never came to live with her nor was he ever around. Which leads me to think that she got married because it was "the right thing to do" and then she had the kid and lived at home for the rest of her life and now she is in her 50's and 60's and never had a boyfriend, husband, or life after that happened. So, I look at her history its like she gave up on her life. Plus, she never went to college to progress or better herself. And, when I go home she is always on the phone talking about the people she works with or movie stars and their lives with a friend that also lives at home with her parents. It's like she never grew up. She even told me a few months ago..to always make sure to close the toilet lid because that is how mice get in the house.

Yuray thanks for trying to help but I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I wasn't blaming my aunt for my late fees. I didn't even ask her for money. She heard that other family members were going to help me and she offered. So, I accepted. I have never asked my family for money before and I did not expect her to do what she did. I was shocked about what happened. Then I told a different aunt of mine about what happened, she had the same reaction- "why didn't you say you couldn't help instead of ignoring the situation, etc" and then the other aunt helped me out. SO, i just wanted to clear that up.

Concerning the $$$, I hope that is not true. Although I do understand why you are saying that. One, because you have gone through it. Two, I have met some crazy people that think you owe them everything they want cuz they gave you a flower from their rose bush! (really! ) ...I just really hope that doesn't happen. I will start a job next week (finally got one!) and I will pay them all back. I borrowed 1500. But, i just don't want this hanging over me like you mentioned..cross your fingers for me on that one!

I'm not looking to have my family's "attention"...this is not it. And, I am not looking to confront them. I have said some of the things that you have mentioned above (although this is when I am trying to do something different and not be myself..which would be to ignore it or make a face and get hurt and/or upset...and then they say "you are soo sensitive!") .. So, sometimes I have said yes, i have called...or no, I haven't...or I'll do it later...or whatever...I still dread the whole situation and wish it was different. Don't really know what could change things though. Do you have an idea for that one? Wish I knew what to do there...

I actually have done something similar to what you mentioned above in which I acted like it didn't bother me at all...I have an uncle that had surgery and I really cared for him since i was little and I went to stay with him at the hospital..and the entire time I was there he would try to belittle me by saying things like "why do you ask the doctor these questions...you don't know about medicine?"...or "you are always so detailed...maybe that's why they fired you" or "yeah..you said they let you go, but I bet they didn't like you and fired you".. etc..etc...so, I decided that it was worse for me to stay there and I told him that "I see that he was doing so much better now after his heart surgery...so I am going to go home now since I need to look for a job..and since he is doing so much better and the staff is so great he won't have a problem at all...love you..take care...bye" and I left...so he was alone in a city without anyone (he's in his 70's and everyone in my family left to go home in a different city...and whether I was there or not..they would have all left anyway....I just wanted to stay and be with him but after he did all that..I thought I don't know why I am here) and the he got so upset..he called everyone at home and told them he wanted them to pick him up ASAP or he was going to take the bus. SO, it did work out and I felt good for not taking his abusive comments (because he would sometimes laugh at what he said) and he didn't see me get hurt...which is probably what he wanted to see. I actually felt good about that one.

SO- yes, you are right...the best thing would be to react in a positive way. Because then they know they are not hurting me. Because I think that even though it's hard to believe that this is what they want...it actually might be it (I am sure that was it concerning my uncle)...SO, I hope you guys are around for the holidays when I need your support.

---------- Post added at 10:05 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:02 AM ----------

Thanks again Cat Dancer...I appreciate your input. It also helps because this is not information I have shared with many people and I appreciate you saying to me that you also think it was wrong and that it shouldn't have happened. Thank you

 

[Yuray]

SO, I hope you guys are around for the holidays when I need your support.

Many of us check in here a few times a day.

 

[tryindbt]

Thanks! I'll be here for you guys also.

---------- Post added at 11:54 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:41 AM ----------

I found this link in the threads which I think will be helpful for me..and some of you. Before reading this, i would have said that I have a problem dealing with passive aggressive people. But now I realize that it is a normal reaction to feel annoyed and upset with people that behave this way. I didn't know that before and thought it was me. So thanks for the article...it is something I have to learn to work with since everyone in my family is like this; and I do mean everyone.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/18387-passive-aggressive-people.html

 

[Yuray]

and I do mean everyone.

Not many people are 'blessed' with the task ahead of you.... remember the old saying.....'cool heads prevail'.

 

[tryindbt]

Not many people are 'blessed' with the task ahead of you.... remember the old saying.....'cool heads prevail'.

You are right...I had thought about things for a while after you wrote your post and I remembered that I was really hurt and crying about what my uncle told me when i was there at the hospital visiting him..and a friend said, just go over there hug him tell him you love him, but you got to go look for a job etc..etc..Don't let him think he upset you because then it becomes your fault because you are too sensitive...instead be happy, etc..and so I did this although I didn't feel it...and then I drove home (to a different city) crying all the way..cuz he hurt me so much...

BUT- it worked out in a way, because he actually got upset instead of me. And no one blamed me for being too sensitive or anything. People actually called and thanked me for taking care of him for a few days and wished me luck on the job hunt.

SOOOOOooo, when I was thinking about this and looking up some information. I realized that I need to have a freaking cool head all the time - and not let my emotions get involved or get the best of me...because I learned (through some reading) that passive aggressive people are people that always hide their emotions and are not really in touch with them...that's how they can do all this stuff!!!

SO, I might have to start reading up more now..and just thinking about it..and really try to be the more evolved one of the bunch.

Plus, today I saw a show on t.v. that made me feel so much better. I forgot the name of the show, but it's a funny one. (Frasier?) anway, one of the characters had the choice of visiting her mom or going to the bahamas and she was not sure which one she wanted to do..but guilt was telling her to visit mom...and she said "why is it that it is so easy to love your family, but not so easy to like them?" and Frasier..said "that's one of the mysteries of the world that make our lives so rich...and many psychiatrists rich as well" mg:

SO- it's everyone...I think everyone can relate...or practically everyone..

 

[defect]

Sometimes I imagine these kinds of family interactions as if the family members I am trying to communicate with, are strangers who I've just met. That way I don't fall into those predictable outcomes like Yuray mentioned. Also, it enables me to determine they way I allow them to treat me. For example, if my aunt says, "Wow, you're definitely not starving," instead of feeling (insert emotion here), I say something that I would say to a person who I had just met. Something like, "wow, that was fairly rude of you to say", or "am I supposed to make a cutting comment back to you now, because I don't really enjoy that kind of communication". If I felt more than angered I would have no problem equally picking them apart. That is just me though. My family is done (because I no longer allow it) belittling me or talking to me with anything less than respect, and it is because I have caught them off guard with this kind of retort. I am sure there are less aggressive ways or examples, but I am an Aries, so I have a somewhat sharp tongue when provoked. For me, coming off as sharp tongued once or twice in life is absolutely worth it, if it changes the destructive behavior of the people who surround you.
If you don't find a way to stick up for yourself, people will continue to treat you the only way they know how. Ultimately, it really is up to you to enlighten them.
If it helps, don't look at the upcoming holidays as dreadful, look at them as exciting, because you will finally have the confidence (whether it's an act or not) to go in the door as a proud respectable woman, and hopefully develop a healthier relationship with your family. Then guide their behavior if it strays off an acceptable path. If they refuse to modify their behavior, you can leave, or accept their treatment of you and stay. JMO. Good luck.

---------- Post added at 01:26 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:15 PM ----------

Oooh, Chandler on Friends just said a great come-back to insult. He said, "Well aren't you a treat!"

 

[Yuray]

Defect

"wow, that was fairly rude of you to say", or "am I supposed to make a cutting comment back to you now, because I don't really enjoy that kind of communication".

It takes a unique mindset to make a comment like you mention. If someone however through my unintentional rudeness said something like that to me, I would be speechless, then apologetic.

If you don't find a way to stick up for yourself, people will continue to treat you the only way they know how. Ultimately, it really is up to you to enlighten them.

Sad way to be, difficult way to be, but true. However, 'ways to stick up for yourself', are better founded through therapeutic advice than confrontation. (not saying you are confrontational defect!) You have to feel good about yourself that you have made every effort to communicate your feelings in an honest way, than later feel regret and anxiety over thinking you may have said the wrong thing at the wrong time for the wrong reason.

Tryindbt

BUT- it worked out in a way, because he actually got upset instead of me. And no one blamed me for being too sensitive or anything. People actually called and thanked me for taking care of him for a few days and wished me luck on the job hunt.

Your cool head prevailed, and you are acknowledged!

 

[menoface]

I can see you're thinking about this a lot and it's causing a lot of anxiety. Not just about visiting, but also about the past. One thing at a time:

This holiday:
I have had the problem with visiting family at Christmas every year. It would be fine except that my husband doesn't like my family very much due to their ill treatment of him while we were dating, and I don't care for some of his family too much due to similar reasons that you have. They obviously don't care for me and they cause so much tension. (though I realize that some of it was just me feeling tense) This year, we've decided not to visit during holiday times, mostly because of work and money, but also because of the weather. Both our families live in secluded areas, and I find when it's snowing out and we all have to be inside together, it's too stressful. We've opted to visit in the spring so we all have more space, and we won't feel like it's family bonding time, as the holidays often invokes, and it will be more relaxed. I don't like always spending time all together. I like seeing people separately since it tends to be much easier to deal with people's comments with only a couple people around, and at times our visits are surprisingly enjoyable.

In the past, however, I've had to bear through endless, cramped, tense holidays. I've realized that, though I've made changes in myself for the better since living at home, and I've matured, when I'm home, people see me as the same person that I was while I lived at home. I even would fall, and I probably still to in some ways even though I can see it happening, into that role I used to play years ago when we all lived together. I think then that it's possible for other people in my family to be going through the same thing; they've matured, and act better in society and with friends than they do at home. We all fall into the same roles - childish roles like how the older mothers the younger, and the younger has to look up to the advice of the older, etc. With this in mind, I'm able to be more understanding, realizing that my sisters and parents probably aren't this unbalances the rest of the year. My trick that I started practicing a few years ago was to start showing the other side of myself. I'm more responsible, not as sarcastic - at least it's controlled and not used to hurt people and make myself feel better than anyone, I stick up for other people people when they're taking the brunt of an insult, and I love everyone without expecting the same, creating a safe easy-going environment where it didn't previously exist. I'm trying to take the high road, and in doing it am gaining respect in the family, and lessening the tension, and seeing others for who they are now, since they're showing how they've matured as well. (As I've been doing this I'm sure they've been trying to do the same thing.) Hopefully we can create a new environment for the future where we don't fall into our child life roles and we all can make new memories and kind of meet each other for the first time in a new adult setting. I started doing this by just stepping out of situations I couldn't handle and viewing the situation from outside. It's the best thing I've done. I saw how I insult my Mom, have moods based on how I used to when I was young, and would take sides. I was able to just take a step back, evaluate the situation, get my emotions under control, and then act maturely. Blah blah blah. I guess I like talking about myself, sorry for going on and on.

Your need to be loved:
You seem to be putting so much emphasis on whether or not people love you. You don't really need to. Even not being loved by a spouse isn't the end of the world and doesn't define you. You don't even need to think about what other people think about you. Use your feelings as a guide to tell you what the real problem is. Why is it so important to feel loved by these people who you're not respecting anyway? (by not respecting, I refer to your comments about they're lives now - still living at home, etc. Not saying that I think you're really not respecting) It seems to be high on your priority list. I'm not saying it always is. You mentioned that you're feeling this way because the holidays are coming up, so I'm not saying you always focus everything in your life on these few relationships, I'm just taking about how you're feeling now.)

I'd like to say that the things people did in the past are in the past. You can get other friends you like and trust, and you can see your family for the way they are: people you were forced through birth to spend a lot of time with. You have the feeling that they should love you because you're family, but the truth is that people sometimes just don't like other people and that's ok. As for the past, you needed love and attention, and didn't feel like the people who should have given it to you did. But now you're an adult. You're not a victim anymore. It's not easy, and I envy people who are able to do this completely, but it's possible to let go of these thoughts and things you feel are needs and look at today. You're not living with these people, you're your own person, whether or not other people see it, and you have matured even if family doesn't recognize it. And you don't need to be loved or have the acceptance by anyone but yourself. It took me to start seeing the amount of time I agonized over the past before I realized that I was wasting so much time that I could be spending on doing the things in my life I want to do. My education, goals, personal mental health.
Here I go again... blah blah blah!

I'm certainly not an expert, so just take it with a grain of salt. I've just had similar experiences and this is how I dealt with it. I do feel a lot better with it. All the best! I didn't have anyone say I was fat, but had someone tell me to start having kids because I'm getting old, (I'm not even 30 yet!). With this new way of thinking and being understanding, I was able to say thanks to the advice, but I'm not ready for that step. I thought about it later and realized he probably said that because I know his wife lost a few children in her later child bearing years and it's possible that he just wants to save me grief. Or maybe he wasn't! Either way, with this way of think, I'm able to not care about the comment. Such a relief!

---------- Post added at 02:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:15 PM ----------

Oh, I now see I didn't realized there were two pages of posts! So much went onto the second page. So, it looks like you have a lot of support and everyone here has good advice. I'm glad you're able to separate the things your uncle said from who you really are. And even though it's still hard to take those remarks, know that sticking up for yourself and finding a balanced way to do it, takes a little practice, but gets really easy after a while. Not that you want to continue looking down on them, but you've taken the right first steps. Don't fuss over all my intense comments if you don't want to, especially since I wrote them without reading the second half of the posts before writing them!

 

[tryindbt]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and comments! I do appreciate it and I am glad you guys thought I did well with the uncle thing. It was hard when I was going through it at that very moment, but I felt really good about myself afterward. Although I was a bit paranoid if they would figure me out and then call to comment on it, but that didn't happen.

As for Thanksgiving. I didn't visit anyone for the holidays. I spent it by myself, which in a way made me feel guilty because I have this internal feeling that I should spend it with family, but another side of me felt good that I did not have to deal with the drama and I chose to do what I wanted instead of what I think I should do. I was hoping everyone would miss me and it seemed like they all just sort of "understood" and didn't say much which made me feel bad, but at the same time is what I expected. You know when you are a kid and you think they'll be sorry when I'm gone! Or if I am sick, etc..like in the movie A Christmas Story...when the kid is day-dreaming about how bad his parents would feel if he was sick and dying. That's exactly how I felt! I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true!

I know have Christmas to deal with and I don't know how I will deal with that. I think I might end up staying home by myself also. Because part of the reason I stayed home is because I don't have any money to fix my car. And, my first paycheck will be near the holidays and I need that money to pay for my mortgage and other bills. I will need to save up for the car repair which might take me 2-3 months. I think in a way, it's an excuse because I could hitch a ride with a friend, or take the bus, or rent a car, but I am choosing not to. And in a way I feel like I am being punished by myself, but it's secretly less stressful than going. I don't know- it's very confusing. I am doing what I think I shouldn't do. :thinking: confusing.

Thanks everyone for your comments and sharing. Don't you just wish sometimes you could take a fold out knife and just cut the dark and bad part out? That's how I feel right now. I'm not in a good state of mind- not sure why. My sleeping patterns and medication patterns have been out of whack recently. I mess up my sleeping patterns and the time I take my meds go out the window with it. maybe that's part of the problem? ??