How can I be so ungrateful?

[adaptive1]

The last two months have been a whirlwind, from being diagnosed with cancer and waiting for surgery and then having surgery to get rid of the cancer. On Monday my doctor called me to tell me the news the pathology report showed that it was very early stage and no other treatment is needed. You would think that would have made me happy, but it doesn't, I am really struggling with depression and surgical menopause symptoms and I don't know if it is hormonal because of having my ovaries removed or if it's just the stress of the last two months. I feel so bad that I am not celebrating my good news, but instead I can't stop crying, and next week i am supposed to go back to work, like nothing ever happened. And my family paid for private testing and then I did find out that i have this genetic disorder which may result in an additional cancer for me at some point. Maybe that information will help my sister who has kids, for me, I will never have kids now.

People are congratulating me on the good news and instead of being happy and grateful I feel so depressed and I wonder if for some twisted reason I wanted it to be worse but I don't why I would want that. Maybe its guilt as so many in my family have suffered way worse with cancer and I feel I am getting off easy, as though I went to the hospital with a sore toe and the hole thing was some minor thing but I ended up having major surgery. That isn't what happened but thats what it feels like and because it could have progressed to a more serious stage the surgery did make sense. Maybe its just guilt because I know the horror of additional treatment first hand having witnesses it with my mother and sister and seeing others not live through their cancer diagnosis. In some ways, maybe its just shock and disbelief that its over. I wish I could tell you what my problem is but I don't understand either.

Maybe when the shock of the last two months wears off and I return to my so called normal life I will get past all this. Maybe some of my low mood is hormonal, I honestly have no way of knowing or beginning to comprehend myself anymore. I wanted to take this experience and have it be something positive, but thats not what is happening.

 

[forgetmenot]

You have been through an emotional roller coaster adaptive1 and yes part could be hormonal but you are still grieving a loss
A loss of chance to have a child of your own due to the ovaries being removed and worry abt cancer returning

The diagnosis was postive but in your mind it is not over for you
You have not come to terms yet with what has happened.

You can have a child but just in another way adoption is that way ok i know it is not the same but you can have a child
Right now your emotions are just all over the place so try not to be so hard on you ok

I am glad the doctor said the cancer has all been removed and in time that news will come more to the front right now it is the loss you are feeling at least that is what i think maybe happening for you

Give it time ok talk to your doctor about youy feelings they are not as abnormal as you think

 

[adaptive1]

Thanks that was very helpful, I think that is part of it, it doesn't feel over for me.

 

[adaptive1]

Things seem a tad brighter at the moment, im going back on my ocd medication, My ocd thoughts are raging because of the stress and my checking behaviors are as bad as ever, I'm sorry if I seemed non appreciative of my news. I really don't think my mind is functioning very well right now. I hope I can get myself out of the ocd loop soon.

 

[forgetmenot]

You have nothing to be sorry for adaptive1 as your emotions are what they are and sometimes we have no control over them. You have the right to what ever you are feeling ok I do hope the medication continues to take away some of the ocd thoughts and that you able to rest some. Rest and care for YOU is what is important now and i do hope you can see what you are feeling is not abnormal ok after such a surgery. hugs

 

[MHealthJo]

Yes Adaptive, I think it is so important to try to remember two things.....

1. Yes, you got out of danger. That is good. But that's not *it*. That's not *all* that happened.

You had a huge, early, sudden change in your body which is a change that has certain major implications.

Getting big scary news, dealing with what needs to be done about it, getting through that, and then the implications afterward. Multiple giant things, which would normally each take quite some time to process. But with the technology and medicine we have now, you are whirlwinded to the other side of it, physically......
Well, now your mind and feelings and processing and life are allowed to take however long they need, to process *all* of that and catch up!

There are lots of situations in life where it is absolutely normal to have a big mixture of feelings reacting to different aspects of something. This is certainly one of those. And sometimes they blob together and you can't even work out WHAT you are feeling, or why. It can be so overwhelming or scary or deadening or all sorts of stuff, when it's like that.

As long as you remember that all these feelings are allowed and that they matter, and you kindly gently tell yourself so and tell yourself that you care for these feelings and others do too, and let yourself feel, cry, etc... they will start to un-blob a bit and process a bit. Thinking of you, dear.

2. Yeah, its just so important to remember that just because others went through / are going through something that might be thought of as 'bigger' or 'worse' ...... that does NOT mean that any experience of yours is nothing, or doesn't matter, or that you shouldn't have big feelings from it / about it or shouldn't want, expect, deserve support and care.

There isn't a shortage on feelings like there's a limited amount to ration out, and only the people in the absolute 'worst' situations get to have them all. (And what is 'worst' or 'biggest' is subjective, anyway.)

Life is full of feelings for every last individual, and they all matter. xx

Hang in there and talk some more any time you would like.

 

[GDPR]

adaptive1, my husband was given a clean bill of health last week by the doctor,was told he is disease free and completely better.Although he did not have cancer,he had been very sick for about 5 years.

I was surprised with his reaction because he didn't seem as happy about the news as I expected.He seems depressed or something and other people have been telling him he should be happy about the good news.

He told me he is just shocked and is having a hard time adjusting after all the worry and fear.He's also afraid maybe the doctor was wrong or maybe he will get sick again..So maybe its kind of the same with you and will just take a little adjusting.

I am glad everything went well for you.Now you just need to be gentle with yourself and I am sure you will ease back into life at your own pace.