How do you deal with a future full of potential triggers and painful moments?

[HotthenCold]

I find every time I think about self improvement I immediately think of what an uphill battle it is and how I'm GOING to fall in to the patterns to some degree again in the future. I know that with that attitude it's guaranteed to happen, but I feel it's just a realistic assessment of who I am and what's likely to happen in my life considering I don't have the means to stop my life for as long as it takes to completely fix myself.

what I mean to ask is, how do others on this forum negotiate with the fear of future painful events related to their illness or situation?

I find it such a motivation killer because I always find that complacency or lack of focus is inevitable and that means a return of the bad habits.

I'm really reaching a breaking point and hating myself deeply to the point where I'll either succeed or succumb to all this anger and hatred (of self and others), and don't know how to believe that change is actually possible.

 

[Daniel E.]

I always find that complaceny or lack of focus is inevitable and that means a return of the bad habits.

One obvious but important aspect of it is that when people have slipups, they tend to beat themselves up about it, which can change a temporary slipup into something more lingering. It's one thing that keeps the cycle going.

... don't know how to believe that change is actually possible.

Part of the value of therapy is getting a hope injection, and, as they say, a little hope can go a long way.

A DBT-related way I look at getting better is that one is increasing one's frustration tolerance (a.k.a. "radical acceptance") while at the same time reducing causes of frustration with the help of therapy, lifestyle changes, etc. Regarding such frustration tolerance:

Listen, I know making your life better is going to take a lot of work. I'm not forgetting that little detail. I know it's true. And these skills... they may seem sort of trivial, like they're not important. But take it from me, they are important. Because to make your life better, to get where you want to get, you have to survive crises. There is no other way. You can't make it if you don't. Its life and death. You've got to do it. And these skills, I think, will help.

DBT Self-Help: Part 7

And regarding treatment, it's not all uphill, e.g.:

“It’s a shift from having our mental health defined by the content of our thoughts,” Dr. Hayes said, “to having it defined by our relationship to that content — and changing that relationship by sitting with, noticing and becoming disentangled from our definition of ourselves.”

Lotus Therapy: Mindfulness Meditation gains ground in therapy - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

What if, like virtually everybody else who suffers repeatedly from depression, you have become a victim of your own very sensible, even heroic, efforts to free yourself--like someone pulled even deeper into quicksand by the struggling intended to get you out?

The Mindful Way Through Depression ... - Google Book Search

 

[HotthenCold]

This sentence really articulates something I've been aware of for a little while.

?It?s a shift from having our mental health defined by the content of our thoughts,? Dr. Hayes said, ?to having it defined by our relationship to that content ? and changing that relationship by sitting with, noticing and becoming disentangled from our definition of ourselves.?

to me this has sort of been a "get out of jail free" card where I force myself to look at my thoughts when I'm confused, angry, etc from the point of view of a happy, content, inquisitive me who is only concerned with getting better, not with the content of the thoughts (which seem so important at the time). Great strategy for removing pain from situations. The only catch is I find it next to impossible to do this if the painful situation involves other people, then getting control of my emotions is next to impossible unfortunately. still a great tool method of dealing with things that make me crazy though.

Thanks Dr. Baxter.

 

[Into The Light]

i find that looking at the future as whole can be very overwhelming. you are looking at too great a leap at once - current situation that is difficult and painful to future goal of everything is fine, and zero problems. it's only natural to view things this way but it is too big a leap to take all at once.

build on the little steps of progress. this is how it works. you will take one small step forward at a time, sometimes you'll stand still or even think you are taking steps back. but it is the collection of these steps that gets you to that better place in your life, not a big sudden leap.

the other thing that might help to remember is that if you take it slow, the change that comes about in you is lasting change.

so work on the now and remembering right now you can't fix things overnight, but you can fix little things one at a time. celebrate and focus on those small steps forward. those steps will at times hit critical mass and you'll have a sudden jump forward (not a giant leap, but a jump), and when those moments happen, it gives you more hope and more to build on.

 

[Daniel E.]

And, at least for those with anxiety like myself, another issue may be accepting uncertainty:

Many of us worry because we equate uncertainty with a bad outcome.

http://cognitivetherapynyc.com/blog/week2.pdf

In fact, some worriers say that they would rather know for sure that the outcome will be bad than left in suspense not knowing for sure. In fact, you may worry in order to “gain certainty”.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...how-intolerance-uncertainty-makes-you-anxious

 

[Eye Stigmata]

I can see how that would make you fearful of the future, or positive change, but I think one of the most important things to ask yourself is whether or not you are ready to change and or move forward. If you are not ready to move forward, then these triggers or any other issues will definately stand in your way.
Have you tried talking to someone about what your triggers are and the various ways they may come up? And what to do if something does come up? Maybe make a list of different triggers and different solutions for each of them?

I hope you find something that works for you