How much to tell my family?

[AmZ]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently at the beginning pretty much of therapy and have had just a week or two of trying a couple of different meds to start with and find what is good for me, with what exactly and the dosage-wise. I am going today to get a longer term med which I will take along with the Alprazolam (Benzodiazepine), and then come off of that within a few weeks once the new med has kicked in.

This all started 5 weeks ago or so in a culmination of some events from my past and current situation and am now dealing with anxiety that has been affecting me badly in the last 4 weeks or so (a lot more physically than mentally, and therefore I didn't even realize for a couple of weeks that I actually had anxiety and thought it was a virus). I am also coming to some realizations also that I have OCD. I've had this OCD thing with my hands for the last 10 years, since I was about 15, now I am 25, and never did anything about it in the past. It stayed steady and never got worse in the 10 years, asides from now when I am at the most anxious I have ever been in my life. I have never been in therapy or on medication before etc.

Anyway, that's a short background.

Now I go on to my question concerning my family.

In the country I live, I just have my sister, who just gave birth for the first time (I have seriously the cutest niece!) and is obviously now very busy with that. We are extremely close, but less so since she got married a year ago and especially now, with the baby. We still speak once a day and see each other once or twice a week, but our relationship has changed quite a bit. Alongside this, she is just a year older than me, and as how close we are, I find that she gives really bad advice (sorry, dear sister!). I know she only means good, so I'm not trying to be horrible here. Asides from that, I have no friends currently, and just have a psychologist and psychiatrist! That's it.

Back in England, where I am originally from, my Father and his wife live. I am also close to my Father, but he visits here only once every 6 months max, (and has actually been visiting now and is flying back to England today) and even though we speak on the phone once a week, it's not the same. I am not in touch with my Mother at this point.

From the beginning of this, due to 1. having a lack of people to go to for advice or a 'second opinion' and 2. not wanting to worry them and 3. I have always been more of a closed person, who is more of a 'thinker' than a talker, I basically didn't tell anyone what was going on with me and tried to go it alone.

I then had everything built up inside of me and it was really bad (came out physically to start with, and now driving myself crazy mentally all the time). I knew that as much as I wanted to go at this alone, it was not possible. So I told my family. It was difficult, as I know that as much as they sound like they were OK with the news, they are very sensitive people and worriers. On the other hand, I did feel a 'release' in telling them, and at least felt better for one day and the next, felt bad again.

Now since then, it's gone totally the other way. They call me twice a day, every one of them pretty much asking "did you have a bad stomach this morning again?", "did you eat yet today, your appetite is better?", "did you sleep for more than 4 hours?", "how do you feel?" etc etc. In all of this, it's been hard enough to find my own feelings and now with all of these questions, adding on to me being anxious about being anxious, it sometimes makes it worse.

I told my Father yesterday that I'd like if he doesn't call for his 'daily update' and that if there is anything to tell, I will tell him. I'm just finding it difficult to strike a good balance here, because I know that he is very wise and can give me good advice, and on the other, I want to have some of my own things that are only between me and my psychologist for example - Even though they are my family, I don't want to tell them about each and every thing. Can't people have their own things that nobody else knows? For example, they don't even know or realized on their own about the OCD thing I do with my hands - But now I only realized that this OCD relates mentally also (compulsive and obsessive thoughts) it really is quite a big deal and change here that I know what a big amount of the problem is... But again, I don't know what I want and what I don't want to tell them.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

 

[rdw]

AmZ
It is obvious from your questions and your families response that you care for each other deeply. In my view your family is placing daily calls in an effort to show you how much they care and because they would do anything to help you through your anxiety and OCD. They feel helpless and powerless and would love to take your illness away but cannot. That being said, it was great that you began to establish boundaries with regard to the daily phone calls. Is it possible to limit the phone call conversations to 5 minutes for example on the OCD and anxiety, and balance the rest of the phone call with news of the baby, the latest movie or book, work etc? However your family will require reassurance that if you have a major setback or something you cannot deal with that you will call them. A conversation about boundaries established with love and mutual respect go along way towards helping all of you deal with this illness. Susan

 

[AmZ]

Hi Susan,

Thanks for the reply.

I agree with what you say. The last thing I want to do is to sound like I am belittling them in anyway or saying that in them asking me how I am is some kind of negative thing on their part. We all feel helpless and that's what has been difficult also. Things haven't been clear cut and the fights and conversations within my own head have been more than enough to try and deal with, let alone the questions being asked by my family. Then they try to come to a conclusion and give me an answer to what the problem is, and 'why that happens to me' and 'why this and that'... And it makes me feel even worse!! Anyway, like I say, the last thing I want to do is to say that they are doing something 'wrong', things are just tough and they are tense and sensitive and as much as they try to cover it up, I hear it in their voices and see it in their facial expressions. Again, I don't expect for them to be much different from this, it's just all tough!

I hope that in saying to my Dad about the 'daily update' call and in me expecting that call every day is not good for me, that he understood and didn't take it too badly. I really just want to get on with it and only make positive moves and in the meantime, just do what I need to do and try not to talk to too many people about it...

The main question really is about how much I need to tell them or how much I want to. My Dad thinks of me as 'his little baby', the youngest of the two daughters etc. But in the end, I am 25! Fine, I'm not the oldest and wisest person, and am actually far from it, but 2 things are difficult. 1. Like I said before, I am more of a closed person which has it's pros and cons and trying to get this balance struck and 2. I don't feel that I either want to and/or they need to know every single thing about me. Fine, they are my family, but on the other hand... I want to have 'my own stuff' also... I don't want to tell them about how I was sitting on the bus and having these weird visions of someone attacking me from behind or these other weird and horrible thoughts about even something terrible happening to them or even other (unrelated) thoughts. But then, they need to know 'enough' about what is happening with me so that they understand why I am on a certain medication for example and when they say to me like "well, you know that to make that better, you can just do that, no?" -- I've been saying yes, but really inside, I don't agree with what they say all the time... And I don't want to get 'in' to everything with them about my each and every thought.

 

[rdw]

AmZ
Again the setting of open honest boundaries is vitally important to keep your relationships with your family healthy. Those boundaries work both ways - you need to keep and set yours and your family members must be able to set theirs as well. Their advice is meant to show concern and relieve the feelings of powerlessness and helplessness they have - they are trying to help! But you are correct in that they do not need to know every thought, every medication, every comment that occurs during therapy. It is all about striking the right balance for everyone. S

 

[AmZ]

Concurred.

I agree ;-)

I know it's more, and well, ALL of my issues and nothing to do with them really, as like I said before, they are doing nothing wrong. I know that in some things I could say they are doing something ' unhelpful' but not necessarily 'wrong'... But nobody is perfect, so I don't expect them to be either.

The boundaries have been set pretty much so it's good. I spoke with my Father again and just went over it with him as to why I'd told him that about the 'daily update' thing... I started giving all of the reasons and he just said that I don't need to say anything and that he understands. Of course, I'm sure there is something within him that still wants of course that daily update and to be totally involved, but it should be good from now on.

I started to speak with someone at my work yesterday that I'm a bit friendly with there and I told her what was happening with me. It's nice to have that outside person that (I hope) I can trust in not telling anyone else my business etc... and I can speak with. Turns out (I had kinda sensed it before though), she is also on medication for depression (and other stuff she hasn't told me yet) and is in therapy and has been for 6 months. So even nicer to have someone to speak with about both of our things and what we are going through.