Encyclojessica
Member
Oh, I'm afraid this is going to be a long one...
I guess I'll start from the start. For as long as I can remember I have felt overwhelmed, alone and my mind is always racing, fantasizing not about being rich and famous but just being happy
I don't think my feelings ever became problematic till I was in my teens though. I remember my mom waking me for school, some days I had no problem getting up, even before my alarm but other days I just remember them being IMPOSSIBLE. My mom and I would fight until she had to go to work and I would stay at home and feel an overwhelming amount of shame. Although in my early years of high school I did not have this problem so frequently that it had a big impact on my school eventually by my final year I was barely going and was eventually kicked out of school
I worked part time for a couple years and eventually went to college as a mature student after writing an entrance exam. I was in my 1st relationship and it was an awful one, he was abusive, frequently unfaithful, lied, stole the whole none yards. Eventually by the start of my second year in college it took its toll and I dropped out
Fast forward about 7 rough, depressing, self loathing years and its 2010. Although my depression has gotten me fired from a few jobs and landed me with a lot of debt I managed to get an alright job, considering my lack of education, and I had paid off my debt. Then a coworker started sexually harassing, groping, undressing and humiliating me and I found myself in the crisis unit of the hospital. I was referred to a psychiatrist. Initially my only intention was to just have a dr document the effect the harassment had on me but after my 1st visit it was clear to me and him that I had many underlying issues that needed to be dealt with as well. From that point on I haven't really worked much. His immediate reaction after the multiple diagnosis was to put me on medical leave but my boyfriend at the time insisted that we couldn't afford for me to just be on employment insurance so I worked until I decided to break up with him and move back home to go to school.
I began developing a strong relationship with a former coworker and we talked every day that we could.
Recovery was going well, I was starting school and the summer off looking after the neighbours boys lifted my spirits. I was studying drug and alcohol counselling and I loved it, the teachers, the material, the other students. It was amazing and I was doing very very well but I could feel my depression creeping up again. My relationship with my former coworker was growing and (don't hate me) even though he was in a long term relationship we were intimate on occasion. I was in my mind, fully committed to him as if he was my boyfriend. Though I cannot say the same for him, he was promiscuous despite his long term relationship. More on that later
After my 1st year of school I decided to get a summer job tree planting in the hopes that it would lift my spirit. Shortly after coming back my friend and his girlfriend broke up and him and I began spending most of our time together.... at least we did in the beginning. I had assumed that since we had gotten so close over the year that he would date me after a few months, that never happened. By November my depression had returned with such a vengeance that I wasn't going to school and my mother convinced me to go to the hospital. I went to the hospital and there's a few days that are a blur but about a week later I was speaking with my (shocked) professors asking if there was any way I could salvage the semester. It was clear my mental health had seriously impacted my school and my teachers had watched me go from the perfect student in year one to barely being there in year 2. When I did attend was it was clear I had recently been crying or I actually was crying. All of the teachers suggested that I be given a grade deferred which allowed me 1 year to finish my assignments that were due after my hospitalization. During this time my mental health declined severely, I tried working and was unable to. I was now living on my own with no money, plenty of bills and I couldn't make myself accomplish anything.
My doctor decided to change my antidepressants after I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. This is where my life turns to $hit. He put me on remeron. I experienced such severe side effects my life flipped upside down. The sedation was intense and dizzying. I could not do anything active without nearly fainting, I couldn't do anything at all, I gained so much weight so quickly that I barely recognized myself in the mirror and because of my weight gain and already poor self image my depression came to an all time low. I hated every part of my being. I contemplated suicide daily, I cut myself and cried and slept.
I was madly in love with my former coworker but he had no desire to be with me and continued to be promiscuous while I sat on the sidelines like a puppy dog waiting for my owner to return. He expressed a disgust for my weight gain and I fell even farther. I did anything and everything I could manage to do to impress him and make him love me but my efforts were in vain.
Eventually after pleading with my dr he took me off remeron and put me on Wellbutrin. Although I suffered from insomnia and Wellbutrin has a tendency to cause insomnia I was so attracted the the "weight loss" side effect that I told my dr that I'd smoke hash at night for sleep if I experienced a worsening in my insomnia. Unfortunately I feel like my life had already fallen apart and it seemed the switch was too little too late. By the time October 2012 came around my tumultuous relationship/friendship with my former coworker had fallen apart and for the 1st time in the many "breaks" we had he began dating someone. It was someone I had met through friends not knowing who she was to him and I was there when she cheated on him. I thought if I told him that he would come back to me and we could try again but that didn't happen. Instead we fought and I said some awful things to him only making things worse. Although his relationship with her was rocky and they broke up a few times he always went back to her, but not before he called me and asked me to come over. After a few months I gave in to him and we started being intimate again but he just flip flopped between me and her and it was killing me. They did eventually break up and he assured me that he wanted to be with me for real but my head was so messed up that I was a complete basket case. Although I wasn't on the remeron anymore I was still nearly confined to my bed for some time. I lost the majority of the weight I had gained due to a dental problem but I had stretch marks leftover that embarrassed me a great deal.
During the time he was with her it seemed he finally appreciated all the little things I did for him to show him I cared and at some point he decided that I was the only one he wanted to be with. It should have made me happy, it should have given me something to get better for but for some reason I met this news with resentment for all the times I tried to get him and all the time he pushed me away. He knew I suffered from mental illness and assured me that he would wait and support me while I got better so we could have a life together.
Now my mental illness has consumed me and I fear has destroyed any chance I may have had with the new man he was determined to be. I can't get out of bed, I can't take my dog for a walk, my life is gone and I see no hope for myself. He has been patient and understanding when I overreact and get upset. He has comforted me and put up with me, told me he loved me, taken care of me but he can't understand that my mental illness makes me feel locked and chained to my bed. He has accused me of being lazy, he gets mad when I sleep in because he's trying to make plans with me to get out and do stuff and I can't move. Although I have an infinite number of movies and tv shows to watch I don't even do that. I literally do nothing. My laptop is right next to my bed, set up so I don't even need to roll over to put a movie on and all I do is lay there, helpless and hopeless. I barely even go outside to smoke because I don't have the energy to get up. Worst of all I think the last 48 hours was the straw that broke the camels back with him. We fought all day yesterday and after a day of me begging he agreed to give me another shot. I went to his house and tried to cheer him up, tried to have fun but when I got home I was up all night worrying that he only gave me a chance because I was so upset and he was worried I'd attempt suicide again. I finally fell asleep and had awful dreams of attempting suicide. He called this afternoon and I woke up but I quickly fell back asleep till 3 pm. By this time he was very frustrated, after all he still believes that it's laziness preventing me from doing things, therefore, my choice to waste my life every day in bed. It seems he had enough and despite being hysterical and begging him to understand and pleading him for support, rather than criticism, he couldn't take it anymore and he said he was done with me. I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore, sent him some texts hinting at a suicide attempt, took a handful of pills and laid in the bathtub. I left my phone in the kitchen and after a few unanswered texts and calls he got worried and came over to check on me... twice and both times I lied and told him to leave. Eventually I admitted to him what I had done. He was extremely angry and told me if I didn't go to the hospital that he would call an ambulance. He listened while I got in my car and started it. After I got off the phone I went back inside and laid in bed. Eventually after him asking me questions about what they said at the hospital I admitted that I didn't go. He was extremely angry with me for lying and now he is done with me.
I've tried explaining to him that it is not my choice to feel this way, I've sent him links to forums discussing depression vs laziness but he still thinks its, at best, 50/50 depression and laziness. I know I have put him through hell these last few weeks but I truly feel that if he was supportive that I wouldn't be as bad. I am filled with shame and self hatred and I hate myself for doing nothing but to have him accuse me of laziness just reinforces all the bad things I think and it makes me worse. It makes it impossible for me to fall asleep at a normal time because I'm worried all night about sleeping in and upsetting him. So of course I'm up all night and I sleep in and upset him and it just goes on and on. I feel so hopeless in this downward spiral and I don't know how to stop it, I don't know where to start to put my life back together. My family or friends are not supportive, I've gone to counselling, group therapy, psychiatrists and nothing helps. I can't seem to say anything to convince people that its not laziness. If I was lazy I'd be watching tv or movies all day but that doesn't even interest me. What do I have to do for it to stop
I guess I'll start from the start. For as long as I can remember I have felt overwhelmed, alone and my mind is always racing, fantasizing not about being rich and famous but just being happy
I don't think my feelings ever became problematic till I was in my teens though. I remember my mom waking me for school, some days I had no problem getting up, even before my alarm but other days I just remember them being IMPOSSIBLE. My mom and I would fight until she had to go to work and I would stay at home and feel an overwhelming amount of shame. Although in my early years of high school I did not have this problem so frequently that it had a big impact on my school eventually by my final year I was barely going and was eventually kicked out of school
I worked part time for a couple years and eventually went to college as a mature student after writing an entrance exam. I was in my 1st relationship and it was an awful one, he was abusive, frequently unfaithful, lied, stole the whole none yards. Eventually by the start of my second year in college it took its toll and I dropped out
Fast forward about 7 rough, depressing, self loathing years and its 2010. Although my depression has gotten me fired from a few jobs and landed me with a lot of debt I managed to get an alright job, considering my lack of education, and I had paid off my debt. Then a coworker started sexually harassing, groping, undressing and humiliating me and I found myself in the crisis unit of the hospital. I was referred to a psychiatrist. Initially my only intention was to just have a dr document the effect the harassment had on me but after my 1st visit it was clear to me and him that I had many underlying issues that needed to be dealt with as well. From that point on I haven't really worked much. His immediate reaction after the multiple diagnosis was to put me on medical leave but my boyfriend at the time insisted that we couldn't afford for me to just be on employment insurance so I worked until I decided to break up with him and move back home to go to school.
I began developing a strong relationship with a former coworker and we talked every day that we could.
Recovery was going well, I was starting school and the summer off looking after the neighbours boys lifted my spirits. I was studying drug and alcohol counselling and I loved it, the teachers, the material, the other students. It was amazing and I was doing very very well but I could feel my depression creeping up again. My relationship with my former coworker was growing and (don't hate me) even though he was in a long term relationship we were intimate on occasion. I was in my mind, fully committed to him as if he was my boyfriend. Though I cannot say the same for him, he was promiscuous despite his long term relationship. More on that later
After my 1st year of school I decided to get a summer job tree planting in the hopes that it would lift my spirit. Shortly after coming back my friend and his girlfriend broke up and him and I began spending most of our time together.... at least we did in the beginning. I had assumed that since we had gotten so close over the year that he would date me after a few months, that never happened. By November my depression had returned with such a vengeance that I wasn't going to school and my mother convinced me to go to the hospital. I went to the hospital and there's a few days that are a blur but about a week later I was speaking with my (shocked) professors asking if there was any way I could salvage the semester. It was clear my mental health had seriously impacted my school and my teachers had watched me go from the perfect student in year one to barely being there in year 2. When I did attend was it was clear I had recently been crying or I actually was crying. All of the teachers suggested that I be given a grade deferred which allowed me 1 year to finish my assignments that were due after my hospitalization. During this time my mental health declined severely, I tried working and was unable to. I was now living on my own with no money, plenty of bills and I couldn't make myself accomplish anything.
My doctor decided to change my antidepressants after I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. This is where my life turns to $hit. He put me on remeron. I experienced such severe side effects my life flipped upside down. The sedation was intense and dizzying. I could not do anything active without nearly fainting, I couldn't do anything at all, I gained so much weight so quickly that I barely recognized myself in the mirror and because of my weight gain and already poor self image my depression came to an all time low. I hated every part of my being. I contemplated suicide daily, I cut myself and cried and slept.
I was madly in love with my former coworker but he had no desire to be with me and continued to be promiscuous while I sat on the sidelines like a puppy dog waiting for my owner to return. He expressed a disgust for my weight gain and I fell even farther. I did anything and everything I could manage to do to impress him and make him love me but my efforts were in vain.
Eventually after pleading with my dr he took me off remeron and put me on Wellbutrin. Although I suffered from insomnia and Wellbutrin has a tendency to cause insomnia I was so attracted the the "weight loss" side effect that I told my dr that I'd smoke hash at night for sleep if I experienced a worsening in my insomnia. Unfortunately I feel like my life had already fallen apart and it seemed the switch was too little too late. By the time October 2012 came around my tumultuous relationship/friendship with my former coworker had fallen apart and for the 1st time in the many "breaks" we had he began dating someone. It was someone I had met through friends not knowing who she was to him and I was there when she cheated on him. I thought if I told him that he would come back to me and we could try again but that didn't happen. Instead we fought and I said some awful things to him only making things worse. Although his relationship with her was rocky and they broke up a few times he always went back to her, but not before he called me and asked me to come over. After a few months I gave in to him and we started being intimate again but he just flip flopped between me and her and it was killing me. They did eventually break up and he assured me that he wanted to be with me for real but my head was so messed up that I was a complete basket case. Although I wasn't on the remeron anymore I was still nearly confined to my bed for some time. I lost the majority of the weight I had gained due to a dental problem but I had stretch marks leftover that embarrassed me a great deal.
During the time he was with her it seemed he finally appreciated all the little things I did for him to show him I cared and at some point he decided that I was the only one he wanted to be with. It should have made me happy, it should have given me something to get better for but for some reason I met this news with resentment for all the times I tried to get him and all the time he pushed me away. He knew I suffered from mental illness and assured me that he would wait and support me while I got better so we could have a life together.
Now my mental illness has consumed me and I fear has destroyed any chance I may have had with the new man he was determined to be. I can't get out of bed, I can't take my dog for a walk, my life is gone and I see no hope for myself. He has been patient and understanding when I overreact and get upset. He has comforted me and put up with me, told me he loved me, taken care of me but he can't understand that my mental illness makes me feel locked and chained to my bed. He has accused me of being lazy, he gets mad when I sleep in because he's trying to make plans with me to get out and do stuff and I can't move. Although I have an infinite number of movies and tv shows to watch I don't even do that. I literally do nothing. My laptop is right next to my bed, set up so I don't even need to roll over to put a movie on and all I do is lay there, helpless and hopeless. I barely even go outside to smoke because I don't have the energy to get up. Worst of all I think the last 48 hours was the straw that broke the camels back with him. We fought all day yesterday and after a day of me begging he agreed to give me another shot. I went to his house and tried to cheer him up, tried to have fun but when I got home I was up all night worrying that he only gave me a chance because I was so upset and he was worried I'd attempt suicide again. I finally fell asleep and had awful dreams of attempting suicide. He called this afternoon and I woke up but I quickly fell back asleep till 3 pm. By this time he was very frustrated, after all he still believes that it's laziness preventing me from doing things, therefore, my choice to waste my life every day in bed. It seems he had enough and despite being hysterical and begging him to understand and pleading him for support, rather than criticism, he couldn't take it anymore and he said he was done with me. I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore, sent him some texts hinting at a suicide attempt, took a handful of pills and laid in the bathtub. I left my phone in the kitchen and after a few unanswered texts and calls he got worried and came over to check on me... twice and both times I lied and told him to leave. Eventually I admitted to him what I had done. He was extremely angry and told me if I didn't go to the hospital that he would call an ambulance. He listened while I got in my car and started it. After I got off the phone I went back inside and laid in bed. Eventually after him asking me questions about what they said at the hospital I admitted that I didn't go. He was extremely angry with me for lying and now he is done with me.
I've tried explaining to him that it is not my choice to feel this way, I've sent him links to forums discussing depression vs laziness but he still thinks its, at best, 50/50 depression and laziness. I know I have put him through hell these last few weeks but I truly feel that if he was supportive that I wouldn't be as bad. I am filled with shame and self hatred and I hate myself for doing nothing but to have him accuse me of laziness just reinforces all the bad things I think and it makes me worse. It makes it impossible for me to fall asleep at a normal time because I'm worried all night about sleeping in and upsetting him. So of course I'm up all night and I sleep in and upset him and it just goes on and on. I feel so hopeless in this downward spiral and I don't know how to stop it, I don't know where to start to put my life back together. My family or friends are not supportive, I've gone to counselling, group therapy, psychiatrists and nothing helps. I can't seem to say anything to convince people that its not laziness. If I was lazy I'd be watching tv or movies all day but that doesn't even interest me. What do I have to do for it to stop
