How to Address Bullying

[David Baxter PhD]

How to Address Bullying
Counselling Connection
Sun, May 25 2008

There are four simple steps to take when addressing bulling. Each step is just as important as the other, so ensure you put the same thought and effort into each step. We?ll explore each of these steps in the upcoming posts:

1. Listen to your child
2. Consult your child?s teacher
3. Help your child develop positive strategies
4. Evaluate your schools response

Step 1 ? Listen To Your Child
The first step is to raise the issue with your son or daughter. It is important that a child is not pressured into discussing a bulling problem. Most children are embarrassed about the fact they were being bullied. Step 1 may therefore take a little time and a number of discussions to complete. Unless you feel that your child is in extreme physical danger, it is vital that your child feels they have some control over how much and when they provide information to you.

Step 1 incorporates the following:

1. Choosing an approach to raising the issue
2. General strategies parents should consider prior to discussing bullying with their child
3. Information to collect about the bullying
4. Journal entry to outline your strategy

Strategies to Raise the Issue
You can take either a direct or non-direct approach. For older children you may find that a direct approach is suitable. Older children have more understanding of what bullying involves. For younger children, asking questions about their school experience will often be the best ice-breaker. This is because the child will be less alarmed and may also not understand terminology such as bullying.

Questions you could use to start discussions about school include the following:

• What did you do at school today?
• What did you do at lunchtime?
• Who do you like at school?
• Who do you dislike at school?
• Are you looking forward to going to school tomorrow?
• What is your favourite part of school and why?

How To Prepare

1. Prepare with a positive and engaged frame of mind. You do this by choosing an appropriate time and place for the discussion. Utilise a situation where you can avoid distractions and that there is some form of privacy away from other siblings.
2. Set aside your emotions and prejudices. Your aim should be to learn about your child?s experience. Giving examples of your experiences as a child is fine, as long as this assists your child to talk about themselves. Try to keep control of your emotions and opinions and deal with them after your discussion.
3. Believe your child. Take his complaints seriously.
4. Don?t overreact: listen calmly and encourage him/her to express their feelings.
5. Enforce that what is happing is wrong and that they are not alone.
6. Don?t agree to keep the bullying a secret.
7. Reinforce to your child that you love and value them, and that you are here to help.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

How to Address Bullying, Step 2

How to Address Bullying, Step 2
Tue, May 27 2008

The second step in addressing bullying involves consulting your child?s teacher/s.

To successfully combat bullying behaviour teachers need to be involved. If your child is in primary school you should meet with his/her teacher, however if your child is in high school it is better to meet with the Home Room Teacher. When you meet with the teacher it is important to keep a calm, problem-solving approach. Blaming others or demanding that the bullying needs to stop is not the first impression you want to make.

Before you meet, take some time to write down the main point you need to tell the teacher. Do not be surprised if the information you provide the teacher is the first they have heard of the issue. Remember if you did not know that your child was being bullied, then it is a likelihood that the teacher doesn?t either. After giving an overview of the bullying behaviour you should be asking the following questions:

1. What can the school do to assist my child?
2. Have similar situations been occurring to other children?
3. What advice should I recommend to my child to report bullying in the future?
4. Does the school have a ?Bullying Policy??

The school will need time to investigate and talk to teachers and, perhaps, other students. However you should make a plan with the teacher that either you will contact them or they will contact you. Be sure to agree on a time frame for further consultation. It is important to document what was discussed in the meeting. You may need this further down the track, if the outcomes of this meeting are not what you expected.

The following information ? or Initial Meeting sheet, should be completed after the meeting. Include as much information as you can, regardless how trivial, as you may need to recall this at a later date. Also ensure that you write down the date by which you or the teacher will be making further contact.

Initial meeting
Date:
Teachers Name:
Details of discussion:
Who will make the follow up contact?
By which date?​

 

[David Baxter PhD]

How to Address Bullying, Step 3

How to Address Bullying, Step 3
Wed, May 28 2008

The third step in addressing bullying involves helping your child develop positive strategies.

Below are three types of strategies to consider. Depending on the age of your son/daughter you can adjust these to suit. In all behaviour modifying situations, there are proactive and reactive strategies to consider.

Proactive strategies are used to reduce the opportunity of bullying occurring. Taking a ?proactive? approach can be empowering for children and adolescents as it is something that they can do to control their own behaviour and current situation. Reactive strategies are preplanned reactions when bullying behavior occurs.

Reactive strategies aim to defuse the situation simply and quickly to keep your child safe. It is unwise to encourage your child to fight back, as your child could be seriously hurt. When children or adolescents have a plan that they can practice and utilise at these times, they are more confident in reacting in a controlled manner. First, however it is important to reflect on your own child?s behaviour.

Reflect on current behaviour
Reflecting on your son or daughters behaviour is not blaming your child for being bullied, as some children do have habits or behave in a manner which is the central theme of the bulling.

Consider the following questions:

1. Is your child doing something that might encourage a bully to pick on him/her? Examples could include picking their nose, unable to pronounce words or body odor.
2. If so, how can you help your child to reduce this behaviour or develop alternative behaviours?

Jot down any thoughts you have on assisting your child in this area.

Proactive strategies
The following strategies should be planned with your child. Your son or daughter will usually have the answers; they might just need to be asked the right questions.

Proactive Strategy 1 ? Avoid the Bully
From the information you have gathered about the bullying behaviour, you should have a good idea when and where the bullying behaviour occurs. Use this to create an alternative plan with your child.

For example: Bullying that occurs at morning tea and lunch usually occurs when there is little teacher supervision. Discuss the option of your child eating in an area where the supervising teacher is usually positioned. Another example is bullying which occurs on the way home from school. Try to identify alternative routes which the child can take, ensuring they are ?high-use? routes by other children or the public.​

The following example is a way to draw up a plan for your child. Give a copy to your child so they can refer to it. It is best if the copy is kept in a safe place such as their bedroom where other people cannot access it. You may need to revisit this plan until your child feels comfortable. This plan can change at anytime when situations in the future change.

Current Situation -> New Plan

Example 1: I enter school via the lower gate near the bike racks. This is where ?name of bully? also enters. I will be dropped off at the front gate each morning.

Example 2: ?Names of bullies? usually push me around on the veranda before class. This happens before the teacher arrives. I will wait for the teacher to arrive before entering the veranda in the mornings.​

Proactive Strategy 2 - Build self-esteem
Find positive outlets to nurture your child?s self-confidence. Identify strengths/interests and use these to increase his/her self esteem and develop new social circles. This could be as simple as joining a sporting club or taking lessons. Jot down how you and your child will use proactive strategies.

Reactive Strategies
Michele Borba (2001) recommends the following strategies to respond to bullying behaviour:

1. Assert yourself. Teach your child to face the bully by standing tall and using a strong voice. Your child should name the bullying behavior and tell the aggressor to stop: ?That?s teasing. Stop it.? or ?Stop making fun of me. It?s mean.?
2. Use ?I want.? Communication experts suggest teaching your child to address the bully beginning with ?I want? and say firmly what he wants changed: ?I want you to leave me alone.? or ?I want you to stop teasing me.?
3. Agree with the teaser. Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with her teaser. Teaser: ?You?re dumb.? Child: ?Yeah, but I?m good at it.? or Teaser: ?Hey, four eyes.? Child: ?You?re right, my eyesight is poor.?
4. Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let his tormentor get to him. A group of fifth graders told me ways they ignore their teasers: ?Pretend they?re invisible,? ?Walk away without looking at them,? ?Quickly look at something else and laugh,? and ?Look completely uninterested.?
5. Make Fun of the Teasing. Fred Frankel, author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find, suggests victims answer every tease with a reply, but not tease back. The teasing often stops, Frankel says, because the child lets the tormentor know he?s not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does). Suppose the teaser says, ?You?re stupid.? The child says a rehearsed comeback such as: ?Really?? Other comebacks could be: ?So?? ?You don?t say,? ?And your point is?? or ?Thanks for telling me.?

Once you choose one or more of these techniques, rehearse it together so your child is comfortable using it. The trick is for your child to deliver it assuredly to the bully?and that takes practice. Explain though he has the right to feel angry, it?s not OK to let it get out of control. Besides, anger just fuels the bully.

Try teaching your child the CALM approach to defueling the tormentor:

C - Cool down. When you confront the bully, stay calm and always in control. Don?t let him think he?s getting to you. If you need to calm down, count to twenty slowly inside your head or say to yourself, ?Chill out!? And most importantly: tell your child to always get help whenever there is a chance he/she might be injured.

A - Assert yourself. Try the strategy with the bully just like you practiced.

L - Look at the teaser straight in the eye. Appear confident, hold your head high and stand tall.

M - Mean it! Use a firm, strong voice. Say what you feel, but don?t be insulting, threaten or tease back.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

How to Address Bullying, Step 4

How to Address Bullying, Step 4
Sun, Jun 1 2008

The fourth step in addressing bullying involves evaluating the school?s response.

Follow-up Meeting (use this form to document the Follow-up Meeting)

Date:
Teachers Name:
Details of discussion:​

Understanding your School?s Responses
Only you, as the parent can determine whether the school responses are satisfactory. The following questions can help to evaluate whether the school is being proactive against bullying towards your child.

1. Did the school take your issues seriously?
2. Was some investigation carried out?
3. Are there any strategies being put into action to help reduce the incidents of bullying for your child?
4. Is there a school bullying policy which outlines boundaries etc?
5. Does the school wish to talk to you in the near future or at least maintain an open line of communication?

Lee (2004) has developed an overview for parents to determine at what stage schools have developed in relation to anti-bullying policies. School responses about bullying and any policies they have in place may be able to be classified into one or a combination of the following 4 stages:

The four stages of school development in dealing with bullying
Denial:

1. There is a policy somewhere, written by someone, sometime ago
2. Bullying is not a problem in this school, but is viewed as a natural part of the growing process
3. Little can or should be done about it
4. If it were to be a concern for us it is important that we keep the issue ?in house?
5. Being open about our anti-bullying approach would imply it is a problem and could be bad publicity for the school

Token:

1. There is a policy, written by a nominated person following a professional development day
2. It is occasionally waved in front of parents and inspectors
3. Few people know what is says, but many rest secure that bullying has been discussed
4. One ?expert? is identified as dealing with the issue and they were the creative force behind the written policy

Moving:

1. The issue is taken seriously and there is a regular review of the policy which incorporates advice and support for pupils, parents and staff
2. Staff share effective practice and materials that they have found useful
3. Preventative practices are in place
4. Ways of dealing with it that are known by adults and pupils in the school

Motoring:

1. The school has clear policy and practices that all know, helped to create and feel ownership of
2. It self-monitors by gathering data about the experience of key players, including parents. All acknowledge that there is bullying beyond the school, nonetheless, staff and pupils combat it in school by constantly adapting, revisiting and experimenting
3. There is recognition of the importance of involving a wider community and of the value of sharing effective practice with parents and other significant parties
4. Preventing bullying forms part of a programme that focuses on involving and empowering pupils in playing a positive role in school and making wise choices throughout their lives
5. Pupils are supported in developing strategies that not only provide personal protection, but also develop positive peer relationships
6. Preventing bullying is synonymous with promoting an ethos in which all pupils who attend the school value and respect each other

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Where To Now?

Where To Now?
Tue, Jun 3 2008

Depending on the outcomes so far, you should use the following guidelines:

Un-Happy

1. Reflect back on your 1st and 2nd discussions with the teacher. Use this information to write a letter to the principal outlining the situation. Make sure you are calm and not insultive to the school or the teacher. Ask for an appointment to discuss the situation further.
2. Discuss all options for your child and the responsibilities of the school with the principal. Continue working with the principal and teacher until the school develops strategies to assist your child.

Happy

1. Keep in contact with the teacher to closely monitor the situation. Keep supporting your child to use proactive and reactive strategies where needed.
2. In the case where the situation does not improve or becomes worse, seek further help from the school and/or other professionals. In the case where the situation improves, continue monitoring child?s behaviour and reports of bullying.

Recommended Readings

1. Borba, M. (nd). Bully-proofing our kids. Available [on-line]: Author, Speaker and Educational Consultant Dr. Michele Borba
2. Centre for Children and Families in the Justice System. (1996). Bullying: Information for parents and teachers. Available [on-line]: http://www.lfcc.on.ca/bully.htm
3. Lawson, S. (1995). Helping children cope with bullying. London: Sheldon Press
4. Lee, C. (2004). Preventing bullying in schools. London: Paul Chapman Publishing
5. Rigby, K. (2000). Bullying in school and what to do about it. Camberwell: Australian Council for Educational Research Ltd
6. Sullivan, K. (2000). The anti-bullying handbook. Auckland: Oxford University Press
7. University of South Australia. (nd). Does bullying really do children any harm? Available: Bullying in schools & what to do with about it - Dr Ken Rigby