I can't do it

[Ashley-Kate]

hello,

I have been feeling extremely disconnected lately from everything and everyone, nothing seems to be real or okay or even good anymore. I feel like i am in some kind of black hole. I just got back from a trip to my fathers place, the one place in the world that could cause me to give up in life is the place i always seem to go when i need a reason to live.. it either makes me or breaks me and it feels that recently it has shattered me. I don't know why i keep going. Part of me wishes that maybe one day I will come back feel good about who i am and feel loved and life will simply makes sense for once, yet that never does happen. I am conscious of this illusion of a better life yet at the same time i so badly want it to be real..

So here i am in some kind of state, I find myself planning out the end of my life to the very last minute, not even really searching for a reason to keep going but a reason to simply end it all. I recently found out i am going to be a god-parent to a soon to be new family member and even that seems like a good reason to pull the plug spare him or her the pain of knowing me.

Anorexia and bulimia have forged my life for the past 14 years or more, 9 hospitalizations later i am still there yet still unhappy, the abuse has never stopped and it probably never will the solution is to do something but i can't. Save my life or his ass i chose to save his reputation rather than my life, somewhat blaming myself for everything. I can hardly wake up in the morning without being overwhelmed with anxiety i am a wreck yet so many expect me to simply keep going. I believe that some people get better eventually some people bounce back after pain hits them yet i don't have that resilience.

I step outside the door and the world isn'T pretty all that comes to me is possibilities to end my life everything seems like one.. I know this is not normal, I know i am unwell and that part of being suicidal is not seeing any other solution yet it's hard to know that and believe it when i am in this state because i can't see any other way to simply get a break be done with everything start over. I feel awfull for sounding so horrible and not supportive to others yet i simply feel useless.. i already feel dead inside.

I am simply just tired of the world tired of everything that has happened that shouldn't have happened tired of what is still to come. I can hardly put one foot in front of the other because no matter where i put it i will fall flat on my face.

I am scared of myself yet reassured by my thoughts i don't get how life could be so horrible.. and why i should go on taking it..

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I just got back from a trip to my fathers place, the one place in the world that could cause me to give up in life is the place i always seem to go when i need a reason to live.. it either makes me or breaks me and it feels that recently it has shattered me. I don't know why i keep going. Part of me wishes that maybe one day I will come back feel good about who i am and feel loved and life will simply makes sense for once, yet that never does happen.

When have those visits ever done anything positive for you? They don't make or break you. They just break you.

9 hospitalizations later i am still there yet still unhappy, the abuse has never stopped and it probably never will the solution is to do something but i can't. Save my life or his ass i chose to save his reputation rather than my life, somewhat blaming myself for everything.

These points are the key to your recovery, Ashley. When do you next see your psychologist?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I see my psychologist tomorrow, I realise that seeing my father doesn't help me. I really don't feel very strong i know i have gained a lot of things in the past years with all the therapies and such but i just feel sick of it all sick of fighting

 

[forgetmenot]

Hun don't save his ass that is what is making you sick

time for you to take care of YOU ok the hell with him

Nothing is your fault the fault all lies on him ok

I am glad you see you psychologist tomorrow and i am sorry you feel so low hun He is not worth protecting hun i am sorry i know you care for him i do but you need to look after YOU ok hugs

 

[Cat Dancer]

This may be a small thing, but my therapist told me today not to tell myself I can't do things. He said to tell myself I can do things because if I say I can't then I won't do those things. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. You have gone through a lot in your young life and you've gotten through so much. You can get through this too. Talk it out with your psychologist and get these bad feelings out of you. You dont' deserve to suffer and have so much pain and if you need to stop seeing your father then for your own sake stop seeing him. If he's only harmful to you.

 

[adaptive1]

You do have that resilience Ashley, or you wouldn't still be here, you are stronger than you realize and you don't have to save anyone but yourself.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I saw my psychologist today we spoke a bit about the suicidal thoughts and about what brings them. He suggested i keep in touch with a crisis center for the coming days or weeks until we can get things back on track a bit. we spoke a lot about what causes me to go down that kind of thinking yet it only caused me to think of it even more. not that i plan on doing anything its simply i wish that there could be something to makes these thoughts diminish just a little

I don't know what's wrong with me the only thing that seems to bring me any kind of calm are those thoughts.

 

[forgetmenot]

those thoughts bring you calm because in some way hun then you feel you have control over you and you have a choice i think

i too feel that way because i know in the end the choice is there if i ever need it not that i would act on it on purpose

Peace an end to suffering we all want that hun and i do hope with your therapist you can find a way to reach it without harming you hugs