I hate being so invisible

[[talon]]

Everything is shifting back to the way it used to be.
No amount of medication can change me. I don't even understand why I'm here (I have general anxiety disorder)


I hate how I am only able to open up to the people that talk to me first.
I hate how nobody talks to me so it never works out
(I only have 0-1 friends in each class.)
I hate how I am so unapproachable, even when i try.
I hate how I can't be myself without everyone taking an immediate dislike to me.
I hate how I hang out with the same 1 person every day and everyone else has this large group of friends. They make it look so easy
I hate how everyone is friends with the person I am crushing on and I can't even speak one word to them.

I can't keep up with school.
My family hates me.
I don't believe I am going to amount to anything

If I killed myself I don't think anyone would even notice or TRULY care that I'm gone

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: I hate being so invisible.

You're not invisible here. We are here for you. We'll listen.

 

[Into The Light]

Re: I hate being so invisible.

hi talon, i replied to your other post and to this post i would say the same things. in addition:

why do you think your family hates you?

what about the one friend you mentioned? they would notice if you were gone.

one thing that you'll come to see in time with regards to other people and how they seem to have it all is that it's an illusion. every person out there has their own personal insecurities, worries, and problems. life comes with its ups and downs so at certain times of their lives they will have less problems and other times more. the thing is people put on somewhat of an act, a layer, because really no one likes to expose their vulnerabilities. so they may seem really confident, happy and carefree but that's not necessarily the case. some people are, for this moment in time, and some aren't. in a years time it might be the opposite for those same people. it changes.

you're not the only person in the world who's feeling the way you are or who has felt that way. in that sense you aren't alone. i hope knowing this eases some of your pain.

your feelings can change. it's just really intense at the moment, and i think seeing a therapist in addition to the medications you are taking would be really beneficial to you if you aren't seeing anyone at the moment. do you think that would be something you could get arranged?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If I killed myself I don't think anyone would even notice or TRULY care that I'm gone

I believe that you feel that way but it really isn't true, Talon.

 

[[talon]]

hi talon, i replied to your other post and to this post i would say the same things. in addition:

why do you think your family hates you?

what about the one friend you mentioned? they would notice if you were gone.

one thing that you'll come to see in time with regards to other people and how they seem to have it all is that it's an illusion. every person out there has their own personal insecurities, worries, and problems. life comes with its ups and downs so at certain times of their lives they will have less problems and other times more. the thing is people put on somewhat of an act, a layer, because really no one likes to expose their vulnerabilities. so they may seem really confident, happy and carefree but that's not necessarily the case. some people are, for this moment in time, and some aren't. in a years time it might be the opposite for those same people. it changes.

you're not the only person in the world who's feeling the way you are or who has felt that way. in that sense you aren't alone. i hope knowing this eases some of your pain.

your feelings can change. it's just really intense at the moment, and i think seeing a therapist in addition to the medications you are taking would be really beneficial to you if you aren't seeing anyone at the moment. do you think that would be something you could get arranged?

My family is frustrated by my lack of effort. having a social life, getting a job, doing well in school, etc. I keep telling them I will get a job, but I keep putting it off and every time I try to explain why, they call me childish, cause they don't understand. I can't even speak to my teacher. I'm doing very bad in school. I'm in advanced classes. They want me to go to university.They often compare me to my siblings who are capable of doing all those things.
They never say anything positive to me anymore, and they didn't even want me to get help in the first place, I had to beg them for about a year before I could even see a psychiatrist.
They bxxch at me and put me down 'cause they have no idea what is wrong with me, and it doesn't help my current situation.

Yes, I suppose my one friend would be devastated if I was gone, but even she has other friends.She'd get over it quickly. Nobody else would truly care.

I suppose, but other people can easily have huge groups of friends and be so happy while I, cannot. So are you saying that I should pretend to be happy? It doesn't work. I can't fake a realistic looking smile.....

I really hope that there are other people that can truly relate to what I am feeling.

Yes, I have been arranged to see a therapist. Thank you.

If I killed myself I don't think anyone would even notice or TRULY care that I'm gone
I believe that you feel that way but it really isn't true, Talon.

I can only hope that you're right.

 

[Mari]

I can only hope that you're right.

Hope is a good thing and I do think that Dr. Baxter is right. Your post brings up some good ideas that I do not hear very much about. I am working with various groups on suicide prevention. I hear a lot about help for the person who is depressed and help for the survivors but I have not heard very much about help for the families. Maybe the family should be in therapy so that they can learn to be more helpful and understanding. I noticed that you made a list about things you hate. I wonder if making a list about things you love would be helpful. Not only would we miss you here but what about all the things you would miss. Maybe you could write some of things you think and feel and then put it away for a few months and then take it out to read and see if things have changed for the better. I am just thinking aloud and wanting to offer you some support and hope. :heart: Mari

 

[Into The Light]

My family is frustrated by my lack of effort. having a social life, getting a job, doing well in school, etc. I keep telling them I will get a job, but I keep putting it off and every time I try to explain why, they call me childish, cause they don't understand. I can't even speak to my teacher. I'm doing very bad in school. I'm in advanced classes. They want me to go to university.They often compare me to my siblings who are capable of doing all those things.
They never say anything positive to me anymore, and they didn't even want me to get help in the first place, I had to beg them for about a year before I could even see a psychiatrist.
They bxxch at me and put me down 'cause they have no idea what is wrong with me, and it doesn't help my current situation.

it might not be a bad idea that once you get to see a therapist if you ask him or her for help in getting your family to learn about depression and to understand depression. it is quite common for people who suffer from depression to have their relationships with those around them deteriorate because the people around them don't understand the illness and think you should be able to just snap out of it.

Yes, I suppose my one friend would be devastated if I was gone, but even she has other friends.She'd get over it quickly. Nobody else would truly care.

she wouldn't get over it quickly. suicide is the hardest kind of death to deal with when you lose someone you care about.

I suppose, but other people can easily have huge groups of friends and be so happy while I, cannot. So are you saying that I should pretend to be happy? It doesn't work. I can't fake a realistic looking smile.....

i'm not saying you should pretend to be happy. i am saying that you may have a false image of how everyone else is happy and everything comes to them easily. it isn't necessarily the case.

I really hope that there are other people that can truly relate to what I am feeling.

a lot of us can, many of us here have gone through or are still dealing with depression.

i am glad you reached out here :goodjob: