I slipped

[CarlaMarie]

Yep I slipped. It is surreal havingn c-PTSD. One minute I was of sound mind and the next minute I was in a flashback. There was a part of me that could hear see act on the outside with complete composure and but on the inside a fire had started.

My baby girl looks, acts, sounds exactly like me when I was her age. It is profound. I accidentally cut her hair short. She is a mini me now. Now when I look at her she is me at six. It is when she cries a particular way that I get triggered. It was never as bad as it was last night. She got in trouble and my husband yelled at her and she cried. It was the way she cried. I froze. I could not get out of that flashback and went back to old cutting behavior. I had to punish myself.

I saw my therapist today. Thank goodness for therapists is all I can say. I feel so much better. We have a safety plan. I can take care of myself and my baby. We are going to meet with my husband to talk about yelling so I won't get triggered.

It is very difficult to integrate that 6 year old part of me into me. It's like it is this feeling state that is not part of me.

Do I make any sense to anyone or do I sound like a crazy person babbling.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Makes sense to me. I can relate. I'm glad you have a good therapist.

 

[forgetmenot]

I too am glad you have a therapist who can work through all of the trauma with you and who can help you cope with these flashbacks Hubby should nt be yelling tell him quiet talk is better no need to yell a child does not understand yelling it only creates fear.

 

[Yuray]

It is profound

Good choice of words

 

[AmZ]

... and went back to old cutting behavior. I had to punish myself.
.

You make total sense and wasn't the only one who slipped up today. trust me.

You seem very strong and persistent - you're a winner in this... just gotta carry on with what u are doing. Well done.

Take care x

 

[CarlaMarie]

Today I processed the split in EMDR. For me EMDR works fast. I have been doing it for awhile. I couldn't separate myself from my daughter when her emotions triggered me. It's like my brain was stuck. I had a vague memory of the abuse that happened to me with my grandmother. My general feeling about myself was no matter what" I am not enough". Through processing with EMDR my brain moved it through to remembering my Gram loving me and apologizing when I was an adolescent. She is human. I remembered I can set boundaries with her when she is inappropriate. Then I was able to do the same processing with my daughter. Of course she is enough. I think my husband needs to work on more effective ways to set limits and teach her. I can set boundaries with him. When asked if " I am enough" I can say "yes I am" (at least with that trauma).

 

[CarlaMarie]

Well I did it. I stood up for my kids today. It took enormous courage for me. What I haven't said here is my husband has anger issues. He has been abusive in the past. He is much better obviously, we still have kinks to work out. I told him how it makes me feel when he doesn't contain his frustration when parenting. He talked about feeling powerless with the children at times. He agreed to read " Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. Yeah, it is so huge for me. I can stop rescuing my kids from the drill sargent and stop with all the little battles, he is on board!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I would recommend these books:

Faber, Adele, & Mazlish, Elaine
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Avon Books, 1999

Nelsen, Jane, & Glenn, H. Stephen
Positive Discipline (Rev. Ed.). Ballantine Publishing, 1996

Nelsen, Jane, & Lott, Lynn
Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teens and Yourself Through Kind and Firm Parenting. Prima Publishing, 2000

 

[CarlaMarie]

I wish that all I had to do was hand my husband a book and all would be well. It didn't take away the flashbacks and the transferance. I guess he isn't as bad as I think he is. I confuse past and present husband and step-father. I feel as if I am 8 again and I am completely powerless and it will be forever. That is not reality (my therapist said) I am grown-up and it is over. I project it onto my kids and believe they are having the same experience. I feel like I am failing them because I am not protecting them. My husband is not my step-father and I am not my mother. I am having a moment of clarity. Will you remind me of all this when I am in a flashback.