I survived

[CarlaMarie]

I did it. Now what? That is what I am trying to figure out. I still react as if I am still there. I forget I survived and I think I am still there and it is happening again. Whatever it is. I think he is leaving and he is never coming back and I feel that pain. I feel the rejection. My needs will never be met. I am afraid. It feels so real. It was true then. He left, my Dad and he never came back. When I saw him I felt rejected. I didn't get my needs met then I shut them down. It hurt to have them. So now I am feeling a loss it feels like it is happening all over again. I panic. I am panicing.

 

[Andy]

Re: I survived.

Panicking is not good.

Have you ever had therapy for these issues CarlaMarie?

 

[CarlaMarie]

Re: I survived.

Yes I am currently working with an EMDR therapist. And others.I am stable and in a safe place in my life where I need stop the insanity. I am working through the trauma memories and triggerers. Writing helps me get through the moment ,through the panic, to calm. I was abused, neglected, and abandoned by both parents. I feel lots of shame for having had to grow up like that. I developed interesting ways of survivng so i could appear normal. Dissasociation is and was a big part of my survival. I am trying not to do that. I have this need to be heard when I write. I was hoping this forum was a way I could write, process, heal and gain insight into what it takes to get better. I'm not sure how to do that here or even if this is an appropriate place for this to happen.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: I survived.

One develops many coping skills to survive it was necessay and still is
I hope your therapist is teaching you new skills healthier perhaps ways to survive now.
If you find writing helps you see more clearer then write okay
Through your writing others will be able to guide you and help you perhaps see a path that will bring you healing along with your therapist
I am sorry you had to suffer so greatly but like you said you are a survivor.
Take care okay i can relate to much of your post
I am glad you are obtaining the help you need to heal the sadness and pain
Shame does not belong to you but to the ones that caused all your suffering okay

 

[CarlaMarie]

Thankyou, thank you, thank you... it feels good to be heard. I know in my head the shame is not mine. It is hard to give it back. I found out recently through therapy because I would have never figured this one out on my own. I found out what my self hate is about. I was so frustrated and angry as child I tried to be invisable but I wasn't always successful. Then I was in trouble, trouble for having basic needs. To survive I got angry, frustrated, and shamed me for having those needs. As an adult now I hate me for having needs for love, attention, food, clothes, water, everything. I have even self harmed over having needs. What I have found out. I no longer need to do that anymore. Grieve is what they tell me. Grieve the loss of not having my needs met. Have compassion for the little girl (it's hard I want to hate her) who didn't get her needs met.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think giving the child a voice now one she did not have before it will help her heal as she is now having her needs met by being heard I hope that makes sense take care of you