I want to break free!!!

[Lonewolf]

Life just goes round and round my head and no matter what I do to try to change it? It all hurts too much!! I have never felt able to make up for all the pain I caused for opening my mouth about the things I suffered as a kid!! I think that maybe I should have kept it in the dark, where it belonged!! Knowing that I can't un-say it, I hate myself and everything I am!!
I have times that i enjoy myself, but then afterwards I am engulfed in guilt for it!!
I can't see an end to this to be perfectly honest! Im scared of everything and everyone! I am totally pathetic really!! I have tried to be strong, but I'm not!! In fact I'm a bloody wimp!!

 

[Retired]

I think that maybe I should have kept it in the dark, where it belonged!!

Nope! Definitely does not belong in the dark and ignored. Issues from the past need to be aired, faced and dealt with in therapy.

Therapy does not eradicate the issues nor the memories, but rather teaches us ways to minimize their impact on us so we can live our lives in control of our thoughts and emotions, instead of the issues and memories in control of those thoughts and emotions.

I have times that i enjoy myself....afterwards I am engulfed in guilt for it!!

Discuss this in therapy so this issue can be addressed. You cannot beat yourself up every time you do something nice for yourself. You need to regain your self esteem and restart liking yourself.

Your therapist can help you work through these issues, but will take some hard work and dedication on your part. Your therapist does not have a magic wand to make it all go away. You need to face your demons, and with the help of your therapist, learn how to shrink those demons so they won't bother you as they do now.

 

[Lonewolf]

I still don't have a therapist, lol!! Doesn't look like I'm going to get any help with all this stuff either!! It's squarely on my shoulders and mine alone!
Thanks for your response, I do appreciate your ongoing support!!

 

[Retired]

I still don't have a therapist,

You may have explained previously what the situation is with not having a therapist at this time, but I'm sorry I don't recall.

 

[Lonewolf]

It's ok!!! Doesn't really matter!!!
Thankyou anyway!!

 

[Retired]

It does matter, and you would not have asked the question if it didn't matter. Why would you abandon the discussion?

 

[PrincessX]

Lonewolf, go talk to a therapist or some other mental health professional for at least a few times. You might be surprised at how much just expressing your feelings might help you. You need to deal with all this pain and trauma somehow.
I remember my first therapy session (I was afraid to go) and I was determined to talk about something totally different than what I ended up talking about. I think expressing my feelings at this time helped me tremendously. You sound like you should not try to be alone right now.

 

[Lonewolf]

I'm sorry! I'm not coping so well with life and I can't think straight! I didn't mean to abandon the conversation, I have lots of thoughts and unfortunately, not many words!! Am struggling to communicate!! It's overwhelming!!

 

[Retired]

I have lots of thoughts and unfortunately, not many words!! Am struggling to communicate!! It's overwhelming!!

Psychlinks is a "no pressure zone".... so take the time you need to collect your thoughts, put them into words and share them with us. Allow us to try to help with support and insights.

 

[Lonewolf]

I guess its time to try to talk!! Forgive me If I stumble with my words, I'm finding it difficult to put things into words properly so that other people can understand what I'm trying to say!!

Please bear with me because I need to do this!!

My brother has moved to spain!! (Not the one i don't get on with, the other one!!) The one that I shared the responsibilities of care for my sick and aging parents!! He took some of the strain, but now he has gone abroad and its mainly me that supports my parents!! This is very painful for me because I have to see 'him' every time I go there and I struggle to refrain from letting my anger out at him and also I feel like 'why should I really give a hoot about my parents when they weren't there when I needed them most!!

It makes my blood boil!! On the other hand, I love them!! (Not 'him', I couldn't care less about him!!) I have always felt that I owe my parents so much because of the way I went about disclosing the abuse I suffered!! I have watched my parents deteriorate because of it!! This also makes me confused because on one hand I feel so very guilty and on the other hand, I feel that I have suffered on my own, when they all had each other back then!! Is that selfish? My sister doesn't talk to me much, she's got her own rubbish to deal with, sometimes I get angry with her because I think she's got her head up her own a*** and won't help out!!

Worst of all i have to be someone else when i am with my parents!! I have to talk to 'him' like nothing has ever happened! ! Although 'he' is allowed to talk about things as much as he wants too, I am not able to bite!! I really hate him and often feel that I could very easily kill him!! I take it out on myself when I return to my home instead!

I am so angry with my brothers and my sister for dumping me with this and not helping out!! I hurt too!! I have been having serious mood swings, night terrors that my neighbours have been complaining about, suicidal ideation constantly, self-harming nearly every week and so irritable with my close friend!! I have also been very paranoid about staff at the group I go to!! I have thoughts pop into my head that they are just pretending to care!! This feels so wrong, but I still feel it! This too makes me angry!!

I just feel stuck!! And angry!! I don't do anger very well because I learnt to suppress it for many, many years and now im not sure if im losing control of it or maybe its so strong it is coming to the surface! Either way, I'm turning into a monster!! I don't like myself!

Lastly, I have been burying the true me for what seems forever!! There is only one other who knows and accepts me for me!! I have struggled with it my whole adult life!!
I'm gay!! (I'm sorry if this makes anyone feel awkward!)

 

[Retired]

Lonewolf,

You are to be commended for the courage it must have taken to share the details of your story. I see it as significant progress from the time you first joined Psychlinks, so I am really happy for you.

There is only one other who knows and accepts me for me!!

I think I can safely say that pretty much everyone here accepts you for the person you are.

I'm gay!! (I'm sorry if this makes anyone feel awkward!)

No big deal...are you just now coming to terms with your orientation? Are you feeling awkward saying it out loud because you don't usually discloses this information?

now he has gone abroad and its mainly me that supports my parents!!

Unfortunately this occurs more often than one might think, even in families where everyone seems to get along, wher eon person is left with all the responsibility of looking after aging parents.

Just how much do your parents need extra care and attention? Are they reasonably independent, able to do their own shopping, cooking and cleaning? Are they able to do their own money management?

This is very painful for me because I have to see 'him'

Presumably this is a brother who has hurt you. Can you make an understanding with him that when you want to visit your parents, that if you call ahead, you want him to be out of the house during your visit?

 

[Lonewolf]

I have only now brave enough to say it to other people, I have been afraid of more rejection from it!!
My mum had a heart attack a couple of years ago and she's never really recovered from it and she gets very anxious about most things now, to the point of collapse sometimes!! My dad is disabled and he is a large man! My mum struggles to go anywhere with him because she can't push him in his wheelchair for very long. She's just not strong enough! My dad also has signs of altzheimers and gets confused and very aggressive at times!! I get whacked with his walking frame sometimes and when he gets really nasty, im sure he could spit blood!!!
My mum is my brothers main carer and she won't leave anywhere without him!! He goes everywhere with her!! Always!! They are so protective of him!! That really p****s me off!
They are ok with finances and stuff like that and dad gets a carer go and get him ready for bed!!
Its mainly practical stuff that needs doing! Shopping, getting my dad in and out of the wheelchair, pushing him round the shops and making sure he doesn't get too violent when he has one of his frustration stressies!!

 

[rdw]

Lonewolf
i agree with Steve on a number of points. 1. You're being gay - okay no big deal and thanks for trusting us enough to share that. 2. I also believe you've made great progress since joining the forum. 3. I think we all accept you and each other for who we are. Sadly that is often lacking in our lives but I have always found acceptance here. 4. It would be beneficial for you to have your brother out of the home when you visit your parents - is that possible?
We all come to this forum looking for respect and acceptance; I hope you can believe that you have found that here.

 

[MHealthJo]

You have to get something straight, hun, and that is: you did not hurt or damage your parents.

What happened is someone hurt you, then your parents wanted to choose irresponsibility and denial instead of a responsible reaction. What happened is your brother hurt you, then your parents victim-blamed and hurt you. They expected you to behave in an unrealistic way after abuse, and victim-blaming and expecting silence is simply more abuse. That's what happened.

So now they possibly need certain things.... (yes? no? Not everyone has children who can help them in old age, and maybe you're not absolutely obligated. There are services in existence that can be used when no-one is available or when children choose not to be involved with people who have abused them or rejected them in tbe past, or are just too far away or too busy or have too many of their own problems.)

If they do need you... it sounds like maybe they might have to start accepting some things on your terms, rather than theirs. Having 'him' out of the house when you are there sounds like a very good idea.

If they or he say no, or give you crap about it, then I guess maybe their problem will fall back on them and they can choose to use government services to help them instead or find some other option.

You can choose not to continue the phone conversation or hang around to do the helping if/ when they give you guilt and drama about this simple request... They might have to understand that those are your terms for helping, and that they might need to just be thankful that one child is staying nearby to help in some way, even after the way they have acted.

I wonder if your group or a supportive person could be an aid to you in letting them know your terms, and practicing what you'll do when they start giving you crappy behaviour to control you and enforce unfairness onto you? (I think it's unfair to expect you to be around your abuser.)

Maybe you could use a letter to advise them, and use some role-playing or support from your group, to practice withdrawing from the situation and blocking their phone number temporarily if they begin manipulation and guilt trips?

Just some thoughts......

It is very tricky when you have never felt able to stand up to people like this, and I'm not saying it will be easy.... In the end though if you can do something like this.... doing things like this is going to be the key to health and change for you hun.

Great work for talking and finding the words LW! And yes we do accept you and care for you here. xx

 

[rdw]

Lonewolf
you say your mom is your brothers main carer - if it's not being too prying, what issues does your brother have? Did you post about this before and I missed it? Sorry if that is the case...
Regarding your being gay - one of my husbands good friends from high school days is gay and we've always known it - no big deal in our house. It is who our friend is and it is who you are - not a point of rejection here ever!

 

[GDPR]

Lonewolf,you may feel an obligation to help out with your parents,but seriously,you have no obligation what-so-ever.And it seems to me that if they truly want/need your help,they would be willing to compromise.I think you should talk to them,and I think in exchange for your help they should make sure your brother isn't there when you are.If not,then they must not truly need you to help.

If it's not possible for him to not be there when you are,I don't think you should feel bad/guilty for not helping.Your feelings matter,you matter,and I'm not sure you realize what you are doing to yourself by being there and being around your abuser.It's not something you fully realize until you're not any longer.Every time you are around him,it is triggering all the memories and feelings from the past.Why do that to yourself?Maybe you should try not doing it and see how much better you start feeling.I'm not trying to tell you what to do or anything,I just know this stuff firsthand.Sometimes you just gotta say enough is enough and put yourself first and put an end to what's causing you so much pain.

I really wish you could start standing up for yourself,start thinking about yourself a little more,stop feeding into the belief that YOU have done something wrong.If it wasn't a family member that did that stuff to you,would you be around them at all?Just because someone is family it doesn't make it okay,it doesn't mean you're obligated in any way,it doesn't make you a doormat,it actually makes it worse because it was family(at least in my opinion it does).

I'm not sure how it is where you live,but here,where I am,there are people that can come in to the home and help with all the 'practical' things,there's agencies that send people to take you shopping,to help with all the basic things.Is the help you're giving worth all the emotional turmoil you go through?

 

[Lonewolf]

I'm sorry, I am feeling so drained out at the moment!! Not sure why? Thanks for your support guys!! Am going back to bed, I feel safer to have a melt down in there!! I don't want to be inside my head right now!! Everything is so raw, I don't know if me explaining things was the right thing to do?
Will I eventually feel better for talking?
Thank you for listening to me, it's good to know that there are some non-judgemental people in the world! I am glad to have found 'psychlinks' cos I haven't come across many people that don't judge me in my life time, but now I know there are some out there!

 

[MHealthJo]

No worries at all LW, it is very scary to do something that feels 'risky' - sometimes even if it turns out ok, it still feels draining at first. Take care and rest.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

It sounds like everyone has already given you great advice!

I tend to agree that you need some distance from this whole dysfunctional mess....

It sounds to me like the abuser (your brother) and your mother have a tight bond. I don't know if it's like emotional incest, or if it's just they are very dependent to the point where it's unhealthy, or what... And even if your father is ill, why do you have to take him shopping and so on? If they have money, they can use it to look after themselves, rather than manipulate you (with guilt, threats, neglect or whatever tactics they use) to take care of them.

From what I gather from reading here (I have only seen you recently, but others seem to know you much better than I) it sounds like you might somehow feel obligated to stay in this situation the way it is now. Speaking as one who had to stop communication with my own parents and one of my brothers, I had to stop worrying what other family members/friends/society judged me for, and start doing what was healthy for me. It took a long time for me to mobilize, but I saw no other choice. It just wasn't healthy for me to stay in this unhealthy relationship, even if was between child and parent. I had tried for years, because on some level of course, I loved them. But I had to save myself, because they wouldn't change...

I don't know your full situation, but I sure hope you can do something to change it. Even slightly. Is there some sort of Social Worker or advocate that might be able to take your place? Have you ever told anyone else outside the family what happened with your brother? It is my fervent hope that if you reach out for help, you will get it. ♥