I will not SI, I will not SI, I will not SI...I'm breaking down.

[kelsischanging]

It floors me every time. I can go months and months without SIing and then all of a sudden BAM...the urge is back and the fighting continues. I think it's stronger than in the past because I have eliminated several other coping mechanisms. At the end of January 2012, I had gastric bypass surgery. Since then I have lost 97 pounds! That has been great and I keep going with the weight loss but it has eliminated my biggest coping mechanism...eating. This isn't like some other diet where I can just cheat on a bad day and get back on track...my stomach will physically not let me cheat, thus intensifying the urge to SI (my second favorite coping mechanism).

I have gone 9 months without SIing but now I feel myself inching closer and closer to picking up {implement}. I took it out and looked at it today. Tomorrow I'm not sure I can put it back in the drawer. I was talking to a very trusted friend about it and she said I probably feel like I"m crashing because I have been on such an emotional high since January and now although I continue to lose weight, it's not as quick of a pace and the realities of life are setting back in. I think she's right. I do have bi-polar disorder and just wonder if I'm going into a time of depression. I don't know. So many thoughts go through my head about all this every day. Sometimes the urges are so bad, I literally scream. I started on this weight loss journey not just to get healthy physically but the get healthy mentally as well, and I feel like I'm fighting a big battle in that war.

I'm sorry, these thoughts probably seem scattered because that's how my head is working right now. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and I greatly appreciate any advice you have!

 

[gooblax]

Well done on your progress so far!

Could you maybe write a list of things to do rather than SI-ing, and attach that to the drawer so that it's in the way of getting to the implement? (That's assuming it's not practical to get rid of the implement altogether...)

 

[rdw]

Do you speak with a mental health therapist? If not, it may be in your best interest to set up an appointment so you can have help to find positive coping skills. Best of luck!

 

[Banned]

Congrats on your awesome success thus far! Focus on the reasons you did it - to be healthy physically and mentally, and use that as motivation to keep moving forward. I also concur with RDW to check in with your therapist or doctor - no need to go this alone. Are your meds ok or do they maybe need a slight adjustment due to the depression that is setting in? Do check with your doc and stay healthy.

 

[kelsischanging]

Thank you for the support. I did talk with my psychiatrist and made an appointment to get my meds checked. I also made an appointment with my therapist. Finally I took your suggestion, gooblax and made a list of alternatives and put it where I would see it daily!! I might just get through this

 

[Banned]

Good work, Kels. Nice to see you controlling the urges instead of the urges controlling you. Hang in there - you will get through this.

 

[kelsischanging]

Thank you Turtle...I just remind myself...hold on...just like urges to eat sugar (which I can't anymore), urges to SI will pass...all urges do...of course how soon they return might be the issue