If you can't change someone, just accept the way they are?

[AmZ]

I've had 10 years now of a very peculiar relationship with my mother. We're becoming more and more detached as time has gone on, until 5 months ago, when I decided that I had enough of being the only one making the effort to be in touch with her and was not getting much (if anything) in return, and it was just constant knock backs and broken promises that I couldn't take any more.

Even though I decided to do this 5 months ago, I still feel pity towards her and guilt, even though I should not be the one at least feeling guilty, but on the pity side, well, she has always been unhappy and leads a very lonely and unhappy life, just with her boyfriend and no friends or contact with family - So 1. I feel like I'd like to fill some part of her life and therefore be in touch with her, but on the other hand 2. I am still totally confused and not understanding why she wouldn't want to be in touch and have a relationship with her daughters anyway. I feel unloved and like she has no interest at all. When we do speak, it's like a strange fake conversation on her part and all I have ever wanted is to have a genuine 2-way relationship with her.

I can accept that she has her own issues obviously, which can be seen from her isolation from her own sister and friends, and the anxiety and depression she had and still has which was evident all through our childhood, but it's like a two pronged issue for me - The first being my own feelings of rejection and that she doesn't care about me (and my sister who is in the same situation) and the second issue is her herself. When she had an affair and left the family home 10 years ago and moved quite a distance away from us, then me and my sister moved abroad, it's like her mind thinks that the relationship has to be 'all or nothing'. Now the distance in living in different countries is 'too much' or something and therefore isn't worth it at all?

As much as I try to understand and accept that she obviously has issues, I simply couldn't imagine giving birth and bringing up two daughters until the ages of 15 and 16 and then virtually cutting ties with them and showing hardly any interest at all. In a twisted way, she feels rejected from us, when it is totally the other way around. I know that her mind doesn't work 'properly' and my dad says that we're never going to be able to change her, so just accept her/things for the way they are.

In accepting them, there are options as to how I can go about this. I either do what I have been doing, and leave everything totally up to her, so then I am not setting myself up for more upset and have no expectations. If I do what I was doing before these 5 months and send an email every 2 or 3 months asking how she is and sometimes she will reply and ask how I am, then I reply and tell her everything and she doesn't reply most of the time and disappears again, well, I've tried to accept that in the past and it just annoys me and makes me angry at myself in the end when she doesn't reply or call when she's going to, because I am always the one to have given her the benefit of the doubt that she will be in touch and that 'this time will be different'.

My sister received an email from her last Thursday to say that she had a heart attack and has been in hospital for a week and is being tested for lots of things and has some form of disease in her lungs. She asked my sister for my telephone number (my mum definitely has my email address and most likely my phone number too) but hasn't contacted me. I thought the 'right thing to do' in the end was for me to email her a short and to the point email with no questions, so did that a few days ago. I just said 'I heard that you were in hospital and are unwell. I hope they find what the problem is and fix it and wish you a speedy recovery. Take care'. She emailed back a couple of days later acting totally normal once again, like 'hello darling... thank you... let me know when is the best time and day to call you so that we can catch up. Hope all is well, love mum'. I replied, and she hasn't called me yet. Dare I say.

I want to make sure that whatever I do, that I don't end up with (too many) regrets in the future. I always have thoughts of getting 'that call' saying 'your mother has passed away' and wonder then what my reaction would be which depends on the action I take now in the present.

 

[unionmary]

Have you ever confronted her with exactly what you mention here? They way her rejection is making you feel; and that you would like to have a better relationship with her?

Maybe the direct approach is what is needed? Doesn't sound as tho there is any harm in trying. Good luck to you. Mom relationships are indeed special. The one I had with my own mother was not the best, but I miss her a lot most days. Don't give up trying!

 

[Yuray]

Relationships are a two way street with a common destination, with both paticipants playing fair. Your mothers actions seem to indicate she wants only a casual arms length relationship.

I want to make sure that whatever I do, that I don't end up with (too many) regrets in the future.

Something we all think about from time to time, but deciding how to determine our actions at the present to offset future pain for someone who is uncooperative is a set up for future pain. She may not live up to your expectations. You are doing your best to build the relationship with your mom, but she is resisting. Her message is clear (from what you have posted). I doubt that she needs more commitment and sacrifice from you to prove your worthiness. I know this matter is causing you great anxiety, and, (as I saw written in a forum here somewhere)...'when someone shows you who they really are, believe them'. It would be satisfying to have things work out for you, but at what cost to you?

The energies focused on the daunting task of getting your mothers approval and acceptance, might be better used to fix up other things you struggle with. I know this isn't an 'uplifting' response to your post, but from all you have told us throughout your time here regarding your mom, there will be no reconcilliation until she views the situation as you do, and to change someones mind through persistance, seldom works. To be neglected and ignored by a mother must be a heavy burden, and the reasons would certainly want to be known, but is she even capable of feeling the passion or desires you exhibit?

 

[AmZ]

Many thanks for taking the time to read my post and for the the replies first of all

Have you ever confronted her with exactly what you mention here? They way her rejection is making you feel; and that you would like to have a better relationship with her? Maybe the direct approach is what is needed? Doesn't sound as tho there is any harm in trying. Good luck to you. Mom relationships are indeed special. The one I had with my own mother was not the best, but I miss her a lot most days. Don't give up trying!

Thanks for the good luck wishes.
I thought long about the questions you asked me and am still trying to find the answers to be honest! However, I started to think more about the communication between us and our mum and between our family in general when we were kids to try and see where it's brought us to today. Really, when I think back, there were a lot of communication issues for different reasons when we were growing up with our parents.
One thing, our mum was the irrational one and our dad, the rational one. Our dad (and everyone) knew that she was irrational but my dad would try very hard (and sacrifice his own feelings & relationships sometimes in order to) both make his wife happy and work as a 'team' with her and not 'go against' her when he really didn't need to. If he went against her, then it would cause more arguments and bad feelings and as my mum was and is still an unhappy and anxious person, both my dad and everyone around her (including me and my sister) have always 'tip-toed' around her.

There have maybe been a couple of times in the past 10 years since the difficult times of my parents breaking up and all the drama there, that I've said a couple of 'home truths' to her or it's come about somehow. But definitely not in any degree as to what I feel truthfully and deeply. My therapist asked me last week to write up a letter to her and say all I'd like to say. So I am working on this. I asked my therapist if I am going to send it also, and she said that it's just homework, but I obviously sense that the idea may actually be to end up sending this to her. I agree with you that it can't really get or be any worse if I send a letter to her saying everything I feel and how it's affected me. No doubt, I'll end up doing this in the near future, at least just to get everything off of my chest, regardless of the outcome of it.

There are really quite a few issues there that I didn't realize hurt me so much and that are deep in the back of my mind. In the last few weeks I've had horrible dreams/flashbacks happen where I am semi awake and semi dreaming (at least, it feels like that) and are of memories of actual events that happened in our family home when I was I guess around 7-11 years old (between those years, this happened probably a few dozen times). Me and my sister were pretty well behaved kids. When we would get told off for something, our mum could never be the one to 'punish' us so would tell our dad to do so. Bearing in mind, that probably more often than not, the reason for us getting punished was blown out of proportion because of her irrationality, it wasn't a good start there in the first place. Now add on our dad being like 'piggy in the middle', and you've got a bit of a messy situation sometimes. Our dad would tell me and my sister to stand at the top of the stairs and stand facing the wall and think about what we did wrong. Our mum would always be downstairs and knew that she was listening to make sure that we were being told off and punished enough. Sometimes, she'd shout things from downstairs, adding on to whatever our dad was saying to us as to what we had done wrong.

Half of the time, our dad would whisper to us to 'play along' and he'd shout and make out he was telling us off, so that our mum would think we were being punished, but really, he was telling us that we weren't deserving of being told off/punished so we were let off the hook. He'd clap his hands together, making out that he was hitting us to punish us and we'd have to make out that we were being hit and make noises like we were crying.
The other half of the time, he'd do the opposite basically, and I guess, in these cases, he thought we were deserving of a punishment. He'd spank us, and it would hurt a lot. Then there would be the genuine cries. As you can see, not that I am saying that us humans should be perfect and not mess up sometimes, but not only was our mum irrational, our dad was also kind of unpredictable and on one hand very sensitive (overly sensitive) and on the other, well, you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of him.
Anyway, these are the horrible dream/flashback things where I wake up gasping for my breath and crying in the last few weeks.
I'm trying to keep things in perspective in all respects and and try to not let them cause me too much anxiety and pain in the present, and on the other, process and deal with them for what they are, painful and upsetting things that I haven't thought or spoken about before.

Yuray - I totally agree with you. I think that 10 years is enough time for me to have been stressing about this and always expecting something to change. The truth is, it isn't going to change. I have enough things going on without adding this on to my list of 'stuff' and this is only bringing me down more. It's difficult because I see some very negative similarities between me and my mum (and my sister and my mum) and I do not want to end up like her! I am unhappy and not content with life, haven't found my direction, feel a bit empty and void, no friends, a bit distant and 'closed' (about my feelings) with the only family I have left, my dad and sister, etc etc. I guess that I can only be happy that I've had this 'breakdown' of sorts and all of this has come out at the age of 25 otherwise I would have/could have just carried on like I was doing and totally end up like my mum. Thank you for your advice and opinion. Like I say, I totally agree with you and I need to really start to accept that this is the way things are and put it in the background of my life.

Even this causes me enough anxiety as it is. When I've been at home the last few days and it's in the evening, I have constant anxiety because I am expecting (or not) for her to call me. She still hasn't of course. Since receiving the news about her heart attack last Thursday, I was already anxious and unhappy enough and now for nearly a week I've had horrible relentless anxiety where my body is constantly churning inside, I have a constant headache, my appetite has totally gone in the last couple of days and I've switched from hardly being able to sleep for more than 3-4 hours a night, to sleeping 7/8 and when my alarm goes off in the morning, I hit snooze for at least 30 minutes until I manage to get up and even then, I am feeling totally exhausted all day and just want to sleep. It's a big change to have after having the same thing for 5 months, for it to switch like this. I can only hope that it just means that I am moving ahead even more now and all of this needs to happen to me, or at least is a 'positive thing' (in a twisted and unpleasant way!) to happen... So on I go. I've had such bad urges to hurt myself (but not end my life) and the other day, I was searching in my apartment for some form of solvent and was going to do something silly there, but lucky for me, I didn't have anything in my apartment to 'abuse' and I have managed to not act on the self-harm urges, so I just hope that I can continue on.

Wow, sometimes you just really need to get it all out!