I'm 16 and I have an alcohol dependency

[WearsHeelsTooMuch]

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What led up to the drinking
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OK, so in middle school I was really really really really really awkward! Ninth grade was only sliiiightly better, but apparently people thought i was really pretty... i didn't know that at the time though!

-Now I'm a sophomore, and I'm really into fashion and makeup and hair and I wear heels 4/5 school days, and honestly I'm really ridiculously girly. (this is definitely who I am, i'm not being fake)
-I'm the best dressed person in school (so my friends and tons of random people say)
-I'm very slim, but I have a nice body, and a great face. (maybe ONE OF the most attractive girls)

-The problem is, inside I'm still that awkward, insecure nerd that I was in 7th-9th grade. My friends are so fun and loud and awesome and crazy and pretty and just amazing people, but I'm not like... SUPER close to any of them because I'm still so afraid people think I'm weird and awkward and ugly. Because of this insecurity, I can't let my true, fun self out and I don't hang out with friends alot and I'm never invited to parties.

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Actual Drinking
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So maybe around... November of 2011 I started drinking. Gin, then Vodka, and more Vodka, and now Tequila. It's hidden in my closet, and I'll take two shots in the morning and have a water bottle with some sort of alcohol in my purse during the day. I do this on average every 1-3 days.

It makes me my true self, it makes me fun and talkative. I feel like this heaviness is instantly lifted once the alcohol takes effect.
My parents don't know, but when i take a shot or two at home, i'm alot happier so my parents are also a lot happier, and everything is extra happy and fun and great.

I know it's bad, but I have no motivation to stop unless I can become naturally fun and confident. It's actually HELPING my relationships at the moment, even with my parents.

 

[Banned]

Hi WHTM,

Welcome to the forum and I'm glad you recognize you might not be on such a great path.

Wouldn't it be great if you could get that confidence, happiness, and feeling of your true self without the alcohol? Alcohol is actually a depressant, so you are going to find that in time, you will need more and more of it to get to where you are now. Not only will you begin to develop a tolerance to it, but your body and specifically your brain will start to decrease less of the chemicals you need to stay balanced, because you are getting them from an external source.

Do you have a counsellor, friend, close family member you can talk to about this? Most of us have encountered times of poor self-esteem in our lives, especially during the teen years when everything is so difficult and on top of that our social place is really important to us.

It's great to project one image of being secure, confident and happy, but if that's not who you really are, or what you're really feeling inside, then you're not allowing people to get to know the "real" you, are you? Obviously hiding feelings of inadequacy is much easier, but it's really scary that at 16 you are turning to alcohol to try and feel like you belong.

I think you need to find someone who can help you find out who you really are and be happy with who you really are, so you don't need a toxic chemical in your body to try and feed a need. I would love to see you find some peace with who you are and enjoy your friendships knowing they are authentic and real.

 

[WearsHeelsTooMuch]

First of all, anyone I could talk to about this wouldnt understand. Everyone else... Well, I'd rather not tell them.


Anyways, I see how you think I'm falsely representing myself, but i am actually an extremely confident, fun, person... Not all the time though. I go through these ups and downs and obviously during the downs, i turn to drinking to get back to my "true self." I dont think im bipolar though, even though it sounds like it... because i dont have manic highs and crazy lows...
"Fashion" is genuinely who I am, so to speak. If i dont know anything, then thats the one thing i do know.

EDIT: i just realized that i said i AM that awkward nerd inside, i meant to say i feel lime that awkward nerd, like people still see me as that even uf they never knew me as that person. It's DEFINITELY not me anymore though.

 

[forgetmenot]

i turn to drinking to get back to my "true self."

Your true self would not drink alcohol to feel comfortable with people

the alcohol will cause depression and will get worse and you will find yourself even more isolated then before Alcohol is controlling you now and you are not true to anything but it.

Time now to get the help to get the proper skills to feel more connected to others without the booze
I can tell you now if you don't stop your life will go down hill fast
I have seen alcohol destroy so many lives True self does not include alcohol intake

 

[making_art]

Sometimes people who are depressed (and don't know they are depressed) drink alcohol because it makes them feel better. Alcohol is addictive but I'm sure you know this. I hope this does not become a serious addiction for you.

 

[Daniel E.]

My favorite saying about addiction is "you can never have enough of what you don't need."