I'm back

[Ashley-Kate]

I am a bit frustrated, I have not written on the site in quite some time mostly because so much has been going on that i have not really had the chance to check anything out. I am moving in July with 4 new different people that i have not really met yet (i tend to do that sort of thing the need for the unknown and to test myself is probably the cause). I am leaving my roommates one of the reasons is because the relationship i have with one has gotten pretty tense another is that they know me too much now and i feel threatened.

I recently relapsed into my anorexia behaviors, my bulimia has not really stopped in the last couple of months although it has gotten a lot better. Right now i am living with the hole unknown and it is pretty scary the whole not being perfect enough to befriend all my roommates, my college plans that are in suspense until i get an answer back from the college and then there is the moving in July that scares me a bit as well. I am still eating, yet i have begun restricting again and that is frightening me because i have fallen back into this routine when i was at a point that things were going good for me.

I have also ended therapy with my psychologist well actually he judged that now that i am able to express myself better i was ready to be on my own, after almost 10 years of being in some kind of therapy this scares me as well. I am on my own and all that seemed to have done is allow me to let myself go because i don't have to try to "be better" for anyone. So i don't know what i am doing i don't know what i want anymore i don't know if this is going to be me forever all i know is that i am back in this whole thing again and i am scared!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Ashley, I would strongly recommend that you contact your psychologist again and set up an appointment.

It's not uncommon for people to end therapy at a certain point and then find that they need to return for some "refresher" or "booster" sessions. It's a way of reminding yourself about what strategies helped you previously so you can get back to using them again.

Or sometimes, it's about moving to the next level of therapy where you may need to learn some advanced techniques and strategies.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I called him and left a message not to see him again because i think he no longer has a place in his schedule for me and it is not that bad because i didn't have a great therapeutic relationship with him. I asked him in the message to call me back to discuss the possibility of referring me back to the hospital here that treats people for eating disorders. In the mean time i think i am going to call the CLSC (sort of clinic thing here in Quebec) to have some kind of support until i get a call back from the hospital because that can take a while seeings how there is a waiting list. What is upsetting me in this is mostly the fact that i really feel pulled in two directions one that is telling me i don't need this "therapy" and that i can do it on my own and another that is telling me i know this whole thing far to well and the outcome may not be great so i need the help. I want to feel in control of my life and unfortunately i feel that if i am in therapy i am not in control.
thank you for your reply it helps me see a little that this is not uncommon.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm pleased to hear you are already taking steps to get more help, Ashley. Well done.

i really feel pulled in two directions one that is telling me i don't need this "therapy" and that i can do it on my own and another that is telling me i know this whole thing far to well and the outcome may not be great so i need the help

Listen to the voice that says you need more help. The other voice is the voice of denial and rationalization.

 

[Always Changing]

Hi Ashley,
Glad to see you here again, I have wondered from time to time about how you were getting on.

Right now you have a lot going on for you and this is causing you a lot of stress,, sometimes when we are stressed, we revert back to what we know, what we were used to, that can mean the old coping mechanisms creeping back in (even though we know they are not good for us), and that can lead us to feel even worse. Try not to feel bad because of this, it is something a lot of us do, but it is something you can do something about.
Coming here was step 1, and I am hoping step 2 will be taking Davids suggestion on board and getting in touch with your psychologist again.

I am glad you were able to come back and talk to us.
:hug:

---------- Post added at 05:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:34 PM ----------

I want to feel in control of my life and unfortunately i feel that if i am in therapy i am not in control.

I can relate to this type of thinking, argueing going on in your head, for me it can be like world war 111. It can be very hard.

Going back into therapy and not listening to "the other me" was taking control. And I am so glad I did.
I see you have already made the phone call and that is really great, not to sound condescending, well done. :2thumbs:

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi Ashley-Kate I think letting go of therapy all at once is dangerous because you feel like you are all alone in the fight to stay well. Even if you can get therapy just to help you while you are moving and dealing with school etc it will help you stay stable. It never h urts to have extra eyes and input in helping one stay well. You have done the right thing calling the hospital getting help because you know yourself better than anyone else. You know when it is time to reach out for help so you do have that control you wanted. Nice to hear from you again I hope all your calls bring you the help you need to care

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Well my day was somewhat productive. I never got the call back from my psychologist, but i called another CLSC (organization) close to my place witch is better for me cause my old psychologist was about 1 hour away and it was not very easy to get there. I met a psychologist today actually but it was simply for an evaluation to check and see what i need for the moment. I am happy because the waiting for a therapy is no more than a month and i am going to have a woman therapist and i think that will help me a lot in opening up to someone. I am extremly tired at the moment and it is not very fun i am trying to will myself to eat something to boost my energy up and yet i just can't. It's frustrating because part of me feels like screaming for help but then again i don't want people to actually know that i can't eat i rather them just think that i refuse to.

 

[forgetmenot]

I am glad you reached out to see a new psychologist I think have a lady psychologist may help you alot to open up on things. If you cannot eat can you not just buy some ensure drinks with all the nutrients in it so your organs get the nutrients they need. Try that okay keep safe

 

[Always Changing]

Hi again,
Try to listen to the part of you that is screaming for help, if they can help you at this time won't it be worth trying? I am assuming these people you refer to are your current flatmates, would they be the same people who have supported you in the past? If you can talk to just one of them at this time maybe you won't feel as if you have to do this on your own.

I also agree with Violet in getting some drinks into you while you are unable to eat, for all the same reasons that she said. I suspect that you know this already we are just reminding you.

Delighted to hear you had an apt today (that was fast!) and It is great to see you so active in getting the help you need, well done. You are in control here and so good to see.

Take care
:hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I am waiting for news from the hospital. I finally reached my old psychologist and he is goign to refer me if i need a referance. I am currently seeing a woman at the CLSC close to my place until i am with a psychologist seeings how there was a good waiting list the woman i am seeing decided to see me until i get news from the psychologist.
My roomate is sort of presuring me to go get medical help because i am slowly deteriorating and i no longuer have a physician. I promissed i would go to the hospital on thursday but i don'T really plan on goign to the hospital i don'T see the need to go to the hospital i think i am just going to go to a clinic and it will do the same thing instead of waiting hours in a waiting room i dn't feel that bad.