I'm so manic right now

[Almosthealed]

I have been off meds for 2 months (citalopram) I could not find my keys and I was late to work and I freaked out. I have been crying non-stop. I broke my favorite toy screamed into my pillow and destroyed my apt looking for them while my dog hid in the bedroom. I can't sleep anymore all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. Thought about hurting myself because its all bottled inside trapped and I can't let it out or I will hurt myself and I can't keep it in. I am so frickin poor that I can't say not taking meds doesn't work and try again. I married my husband and he has grounded us in debt so bad that I can't walk away. I have resorted to throwing away everything I own that is not necessary because the clutter is driving me insane. I have my first day off in 9 days tomorrow and its going to be me and bleach cleaning my house for the day. I really don't know any way to cope right now. My friends all abandoned me because they have their own issues and "being around someone already depressed is making them worse" They are depresssed because certain boys don't like them, but they will be fine in a month when another crush comes along and I will still be on my hands and knees scrubbing tile while they are at the movies. I know people don't want to be around me so I don't care. One friend said she was sorry she wasn't around more during some rough times I had and when I said I was getting worse she stopped calling.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I am so frickin poor that I can't say not taking meds doesn't work and try again.

Obviously, medication isn't the answer to all of the things you are facing but it sounds like they were helping.

See:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-medication-assistance-for-the-uninsured.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...free-or-cheaper-prescription-medications.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/health-c...-ssi/15815-can-t-afford-your-medications.html

Psychlinks Directory of Medical and Mental Health Resources- Disability Benefits and Programs > Medication Assistance Programs
​

 

[Dragonfly]

Almosthealed, I am sorry that things are so hard right now. Clearly you are overwhelmed .... Problem-solving is always hard when being so overwhelmed. Is there any way you can prioritize a couple of things that need your emergent attention? I can not know the myriad of details that you didn't include, but from what you said, I wonder if the first priority needs to be sleep. My guess (based on insufficient info) is that both sleep and getting to a provider might be at or near the top of your list. Not that the other stuff is unimportant - its just that it sounds like you don't have the space to deal with stuff with your husband and friends right now. Please let me / us know how things are going.

 

[forgetmenot]

Talk to your gp okay or your psychiatrist and tell them you need to get back on your medication now but financially you are not able to do so They will fill out necessary forms to get the meds covered
Right now i would go to the emergency dept of your hospital tell them what is happening and ask if you can be hospitalize for a few days until you get stable. There they will help you get the connections the supports you will need when you are discharged

 

[Almosthealed]

I hate looking back and reading things that I have written. I feel like I am reading someone else's words. I am doing better or at least I am coping better. I avoid triggers and try not to dwell on things. I have been immersing myself in work and trying not to think about things. I found a different way to drive to work because driving in traffic triggers panic. Does anyone know that tight, lightly burning, rising temperature feeling you get in your heart just before a panic attack? I have that all day. The only time I feel safe and calm, I am at work. I work and I'm fine. After the original post and a good night of sleep, (after many awake) I realized that I had snapped finally. To clarify some things- I don't actually want to hurt myself. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I feel trapped in my body. I think its because I can't let it out. I hold all the pain in and then when stuff happens I feel like I can't let anything out. I just realized that its because of my past and having to hide it all and now I am still trying to hide it all. I can't afford to see my gp. I do not have insurance. I usually go to a clinic. I have been taking citalopram for 5 years now and I see a doc at the clinic once a year and get a prescription that lasts about a year. I lost my job and had to cancel my auto insurance.. 3 months later I got a job, but the 1st week I worked I got in an accident (before I got my insurance back) so I have to pay $2k by the end of August. Every single penny I am not spending on ramen noodles, rent, and tp is going to this bill or else the suspend my license. I should have insurance by August through the new job hopefully. I think people are right and that maybe I should see someone and maybe I have more going on than just clinical depression and anxiety. Thanks for listening. I feel like a dramatic over emotional idiot sometimes. I will find a way, until then I am treading lightly.

 

[Jazzey]

No, not dramatic. But you do sound like if you're in pain. Once you get your insurance back, can you see your gp again?

 

[Almosthealed]

Yes. I am actually going to move in with my mom. My lease is up soon and this will help me pay things off and see a dr. I have told her a little about what I am going through and after my teen years she is insisting on meds and therapy. I can't say I blame her. I know I need it. I was doing sooo good. I had years of finally feeling good. I have been depressed as long as I can remember--- Kindergarten I thought I was less than my peers. I was feeling great. I went to college and did my own thing. Now I feel like I am back in high school. I even signed up here with the tag Almosthealed. What was I thinking?

I am in the process of making lists. Lists help me focus on what needs to be done without letting my mind race over the whole picture... Thanks for all the suggestions. I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of this because my friends now see me as a stable person and the past month or so they have been noticing my change in attitude and stopped calling or replying. This is why I didn't have friends in high school. I'm not mean or weird.. I have just been told that I exude a downer vibe like Eyore.