In need of a life makeover

[Eye Stigmata]

I'm so tired....of everything. I know it sounds like Im probably repeating myself, but I'm so sick and tired of all the Drama in my life. People sticking their noses into my business and then talking to other people about it.... I want people to just let me suffer through this on my own....because I dont feel like they are helping, just making me more tense and more stressed out.

I'm sick of all the men in this world, thinking with their penises. I'm sick of being alone all the time. I'm sick of getting up and being alone in my anger and fear and depression - and not being able to just get OVER it.

I dont care if i cut myself every day......i just dont care anymore. Its MY way of dealing with things, its my way of feeling something, of punishing myself in the only way i know how.....and im sick of people thinking that because i enjoy cutting myself that it means im then going to kill myself. Well I'm not. I'm not, I just need to feel something........anything. My heart is what is hurting, and if I could get to it to hold it and baby it and love it.....i would. But I can't. AND, I don't care how messed up some of you probably think I am.....I'm hurting right now and I just need to deal with it

 

[Daniel E.]

I'm sick of getting up and being alone in my anger and fear and depression - and not being able to just get OVER it.

You are certainly stuck and in a rut, a hallmark of untreated mental issues.

UPDATE: Mental issues is a shorthand for mental health issues.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

I don't have mental issues......im not crazy.

I was raped and I'm having trouble getting over it, so i cut myself to punish myself because i feel like it was my fault.

But really ...thanks

 

[Banned]

Mental issues do not equal craziness. Rape is a trauma that is difficult to heal from.

You've been opposed to the advice to seek professional help and you are committed to continuing your path of self destruction.

I know you're hurting and in pain, but if you are committed to your own path, what exactly are you reaching out for?

 

[Eye Stigmata]

It's not that I don't want help...im just scared to ask for it.......

Yeah it is hard to get over, and I probably never will. Try being locked in your own basement, [edited- triggering] and called all sorts of horrible things. and then try going upstairs and pretending like nothing happened, and letting the guy walk away, in fear that if you do say something he really will kill your family.

And then try living in that house every night knowing he knows where you live. .....

I'm not reaching for anything...I just needed to be heard

 

[Cat Dancer]

Rape is never the fault of the person who was raped. Never.

Why are you too scared to ask for help?

 

[suewatters1]

I can't give you a real hug to comfort you but a cyber hug knowing the pain your experiencing is extremely bad.

But realize that anytime somebody does something bad to a good person. There is nothing the good person could do about it and it is not that person fault. You were violated and it was not your fault it is the fault of the sick man. Hopefully he his not doing it to somebody else causing somebody else the same pain.
Is there a Hotline for people who were raped that you can call and talk to somebody anonymously? Maybe knowing people like you call that Hotline will help you know that they have talked to people just like you and anything you say would be confidential.


Take Care and I will always be thinking of you

Sue

Check out this website it has information that might help you.

Calgary Communities Against Sexual Abuse: FAQ

SERVICES FOR VICTIMS

Sue

 

[Into The Light]

monkey munch, your self harming is a coping mechanism you have developed to try and get through the pain you are feeling. it may seem like it helps you in the moment but in the long run it will not do anything to resolve your emotional pain.

from what i understand it is difficult to stop and it takes a lot of hard work to replace that coping mechanism with healthier ones.

your average person isn't really going to understand it and it's not surprising if they panic and think if you are doing this that you will commit suicide. it's frightening to people who love you to see you doing this to yourself and this is why they won't leave you alone about it - they care about you and it hurts them to see you hurting yourself. they want to help and are doing this as best as they know how.

you've been through a horrible experience, a traumatic one and that is something that i really think you cannot resolve or fix on your own. i know it's scary to reach out, it's terrifying and it only makes sense that you feel this way.

i really hope that you'll consider possibly seeing someone to help you out, even if you just commit to go for only one or two sessions and that's it. you can quit at any time. there are people out there who are trained to help people like you heal from trauma, and as painful as it all is, in the long run it is what will help you get through this and not suffer because of this anymore.

 

[Lana]

Hi MM;

I think that first steps to getting better is to deal with the contradicting messages that you send out. You say:

People sticking their noses into my business and then talking to other people about it.... I want people to just let me suffer through this on my own...

but then you follow that up with:

I'm sick of being alone all the time. I'm sick of getting up and being alone in my anger and fear and depression - and not being able to just get OVER it.

Then you say:

... punishing myself in the only way i know how....

And follow that up with:

My heart is what is hurting, and if I could get to it to hold it and baby it and love it.....i would. But I can't. AND, I don't care how messed up some of you probably think I am.....I'm hurting right now and I just need to deal with it

Those are all very mixed messages and makes it hard to tell what it is you need or want. I know you're hurting, I know you're angry, but your hurt and anger are misplaced and are hurting you (from your own actions) but they're also hurting those around you. The stress and tension that you feel when others try to help is a symptom of trauma, as ITL has pointed out. And as you said, you need to get through this, but in a healthy productive way -- not destructive.

 

[Noughts]

I'm assuming you're in school so here are my suggestions:

Go see your school counselor and talk about local counseling program. I know it'll be very difficult to do, but think of your life... Cutting yourself is detrimental to your health and not the road to recovery and happiness, and you need others to support you. Remember that, and muster up all of your strength to see your school counselor. This is important. Remember that. If you have to stick a post-it note in your pocket, write it with a pen all over your arm, then do it. Just remember that, and then see your counselor...

I don't understand how you feel about that man, but I know dealing with fear is very difficult. That's why it's very important that you receive support from other people in a counseling program.

Good luck.