Internal Dialogue

[forgetmenot]

How can i shut of these messages from the past. They are worse after an attack. Constantly sending out signals don't trust, your going to get hurt etc.
Ive been told to listen to these red flags they are a warning harm may be near. Mary

 

[white page]

Mary ,

Those messages from the past , are in the past , you are safe right now , focus on what is happening now , there is no danger around you . I know how very intrusive some thoughts are , try to remember that they are only thoughts ., they are
not relevant to your present reality .
I know they exist ,but try to visualise a little box , then place those thoughts into that box , close the lid and place that box high up on a shelf in your mind , you can take down that box and examine the contents when you choose to ,but when they try to intrude on you , tell them firmly to return to their box ;

best wishes wp

 

[Yuray]

Hi Mary

Who DO you trust?

And who warned you about red flags and harm relationships?

From Yuray (one who is always interested in this complex little dynamo named Mary)

 

[forgetmenot]

I trust me i trust these feelings telling me beware. my new psycholgist says pay attention to red flags inside me. They are there these warnings for a reason to tell me to prepare to get to a safe place. a place where noone hurts me or i hurt them. This makes sense right Yuray mary

 

[Jazzey]

Sometimes Mary, those red flags are a little stronger when you've been through what you've been through. I'm not saying trust anyone or everyone. Just be aware that people who've been victimized have a difficult time trusting anyone.

The unfortunate part of this is that we end up shutting everyone out of our lives...to our own detriment. So while instincts are good to follow, they're only good when we weigh them against the backdrop of our experiences. Otherwise, in the process, we shut everyone out of our lives for fear of getting hurt.

By the way - this too is something that your psychologist can help you with Mary. Learning how to really trust those instincts and decipher what is real danger versus what is hyper vigilance that follows some of the trauma you've been through. All of this can and should be worked on with your psychologist. This is not something we can "cure" on our own...

 

[Yuray]

I trust me i trust these feelings telling me beware. my new psycholgist says pay attention to red flags inside me. They are there these warnings for a reason to tell me to prepare to get to a safe place. a place where noone hurts me or i hurt them. This makes sense right Yuray mary

Mary

Whether it makes sense to me or not is irrelevent. That you find sense for the time being is relevent. Someone in a position to dipense sound advice is telling you something.

You see Mary, the term 'make sense' is a relative term.
It makes perfect sense to me to put a bottle of chocolate syrup up to my mouth before I go to bed and drink a fair portion. It also makes perfect sense to me to eat every bit of sample on a sample plate at the grocery store, and while I'm confessing, it makes perfect sense to overload a washing machine.

Now you see how sensible I am, but it works for me kiddo!

Your sensible friend
Yuray

 

[forgetmenot]

That i find sense for the time being is relevant. I guess what he was trying to tell me be prepared maybe flashback was coming i think. When i get these feelings i am usually sent back in memories thoughts feelings and i feel pain fear and i need to find safe place for awhile thats all. Thanks for understanding okay try not to get too frustrated with me i appreciate everyone here. mary

 

[Jazzey]

No one is frustrated with you Mary. Thanks for sharing and please take care of yourself... :hug:

 

[Budoaiki]

I have spent a lot of time on the issue of trust with my therapist and obviously once you have trusted someone and been seriously hurt or betrayed you are naturally weary of trusting people again.

You become afraid to put yourself in that vulnerable position again because it brings back the fear and trauma of what could happen. And like Jazzey said if we don't learn to trust people again we start shutting people out and denying ourselves the potential benefits of trust.

I think what it comes down to is changing how you define the concept itself so you can leave those preconceptions behind. I think the most difficult and important part of that process is learning to trust your own judgment of others again. This takes time and effort but just remember that you are worth the effort.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Budoaiki. You right on with I don't want to put myself in that vulnerable position of being hurt again. The idea of rejection, pain, etc. I don't think people realize how strong these emotions are when they come back from past. I will do anything to not put myself in a postion of needing anyone. I do at sometime have to try to stop being afraid especially of people in power - I just don't know how at this point. Sometimes anger has helped me be able to face my fears. Anger keeps me from fading away.

Thanks

 

[amastie]

...Thanks for understanding okay try not to get too frustrated with me i appreciate everyone here. mary

"Frustrated"? Never! What you say, what you share gives us so much Mary Never feel that what you impinges at all. Quite the reverse. :hug:

Dear Mary,
sending my thoughts along with those of others :support:

 

[Budoaiki]

Mary

Anger can be a very powerful thing as I am sure you know, it can help you feel empowered and motivate you but it's also very destructive and highly addictive. Something I know all to well, be careful and be aware of where it's coming from.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Budoaiki i agree sometimes thae anger comes out uncontrolled and i actually am afraid of what i meant do. It usually comes out when fear is around. It is like im saying no way anyone is going to hurt me and the fist come and i am ready to fight and it only happened once i was not able to shut down the hate inside me. I don't want that to happen again. Anger is a tool i do use though to show people im not afraid. mary

 

[Jazzey]

I completely understand Mary. But as Budoaiki has suggested, the problem with anger is the destructive nature of that emotion. From reading a few of your posts, I'm more concerned with the harm you do to yourself with anger.

I understand all too well the emotion and its link to fear - I really do Mary. But I don't think anger should ever be part of our repertoire of "tools" - at least, not when we're hoping to live a healthy life for ourselves.

 

[forgetmenot]

I understand Jazzey but what do i use then, when people get in my space and won't back off when i tell them. I warn them to back off and if they don't the anger makes them go away. The pain comes next and i want to disappear because i am not an angry person naturally i just want them to go away. Mary

 

[Jazzey]

Hmmm good question Mary. It is hard sometimes. When people get into my space, I tell them that their in my space. I think that the difference lies in our terminologies maybe - I can be assertive when I'm scared, but without being angry...

When you talk about wanting to disappear Mary - I associate this with anger. Whenever I get angry, I'm the first person to suffer from that emotion. So if I use anger to push people away, I inevitably take it out on myself later - I feel the need to punish myself and want to disappear. That's why I try not to let anger be my "tool" so to speak. You can be assertive without being angry.

And when people get in my space, at the very worst - I will walk away from them. Sometimes, I don't even say one word to them - because they've invaded "my" space.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Jazzey I too walk away sometimes run away and if they follow me i try to go to a room with a lock on it until they leave. Your right anger is not a good tool because it hurts too much not only the person i am attacking but myself later. I end up hating me in the end because i let them hurt me emotionally. Thanks mary

 

[Jazzey]

I end up hating me in the end because i let them hurt me emotionally.

Precisely Mary . I really do understand where you are right now - I think we're both at the beginning of a long process. And because of who we are right now, whenever we rely on anger, we always follow it up by internalizing it and taking it out on ourselves later...That's why I'm hoping that you can move away from anger. I've found recently, that when people get in my space, the best thing is to just ignore them - after asking them to step away - (or try and walk away if you can) - when I ignore them I don't quite feel the backlash of "anger".

 

[forgetmenot]

Ignore them pretend they are not even there right. They are the nothing the no-one not me. I will say this in my head not yell it next time and i will walk away from all of them right. Thanks Jazzey

 

[Jazzey]

Thank you for hearing me Mary. Just remember to take care of you first - that's what you need right now.