Is my boyfriend the perfect gentleman or a vampire?

[Seras Victoria]

Hello. I am a young woman from the United Kingdom currently studying in an university. I have had only two relationships to date. The first one ended rather quickly because he was immature and very selfish in bed. The second one is on the verge of driving me insane. Please allow me to elaborate...

I met my current boyfriend during my studies. He is tall, has a very powerful (hence attractive to me) physique and is very handsome. I was immediately attracted to him when I saw him. And I loved how he daringly returned all of my stares at him before we got to know each other. When I met him, I found him to be a very good mannered and kind person, and we became good friends very quickly.

It did not take long before we started flirting extensively with each other and I was amazed at how he turned sentences so pleasantly to flatter me. We then had dates and ever since consider each other to be partners...

For a long time, our relationship was just too good to be true. He has always been (still is) very thoughtful, considerable and respectful to me. He is also very good at cooking, much better than me, and constantly cooks me food and other treats. In addition, he helps me with my studies very willingly and plays computer games with me. I wanted to get a lot closer with him very soon and that was when the problems started to begin.

When we first had sex, he completely blew my mind. I was just laying down there unsure of what to do and enjoying the amazing trip. The problem which bothered me was, there was no way for a him to be a virgin, as he stated that he was a virgin before he had sex with me. He was like a playboy in bed. He must've been lying to me, I thought. So I had to confront him about this and I did. He said that he extensively studied how to please women in bed and learned meditation to discipline himself to last longer. As crazy as that sounds, it upset me very much because I felt very inadequate. He basically trained himself for sex and I was just some girl. I still feel bad about this to this day.

Another problem is that he never looks at me during intercourse and compulsively looks away from me. This made me feel as if I am very unattractive so I had to ask him why. He said that is because he is detaching himself to last longer. What is the point of having sex in the first place if he isn't even thinking about me?

The real problems are emotional rather than sexual. He does flatter me with words at times but most often he hangs around the house like some robot either studying, cooking, or using his computer. I always try to catch his looks but he just stares blankly to nowhere, like ignoring me on purpose to tease me. I always try to get closer to him, to cuddle and such, but he never initiates such things except to seduce me. That is another thing. He says that he is "somewhat uninterested in sex" because he claims that he gets very little out of it. I can see where he is coming from because he pushes himself way too hard for it to be any fun for him and he never admits what he wants or his fantasies but I want him to. I want to be his queen in bed. I want him to have desire for me just as I desire him. Whenever I try to return his trickery in bed, he just pushes me away because it doesn't help him last longer. This just pisses me off. Doesn't he understand that I would like to make him happy just as he wants to make me? Maybe I am being too judgemental but I can't take this anymore. As I said, he almost never approaches me emotionally and says that he "doesn't like to feel vulnerable". Shouldn't vulnerability be shared? One day I asked him how can I make him happier and he said that I can try to cuddle with him more often because he likes skin contact with me. Okay, but why doesn't he want to initiate it? I would love it. It feels like he is somehow draining me emotionally. Am I being unfair or are there serious problems in this relationship?

He also has so damn many female friends compared to male ones. Of course, he in an ever-so-kind person, helps people whenever he can and I am constantly concerned about how some of his female friends approach him. He doesn't respond to them of course, not to my knowledge anyway, though I can't help but feel protective and concerned. This wears me out a lot.

I feel like if I left tomorrow he wouldn't give a damn because he would think that he did everything "right". Why should he care when he can find someone else easily with his... abilities? He says that he loves me I am not sure that he loves me anymore. Maybe he is deceptively trying to satisfy his ego proving to himself just how a good partner he can be. I cried during one night thinking about such things.

Now I have to say that I love him. I would like your insight about my situation. I want our relationship to get better and share my life with him. Maybe I am exaggerating and he is just emotionally shy and trying to show his love in other ways. I would appreciate your thoughts about what must be done. How should I approach him about my feelings?

Thanks for reading!

 

[rdw]

If the relationship is driving you "insane" that may be a warning sign that you know there are problems. If you are have trouble communicating or having trouble with trust that may indicate you are doubtful and unsure on a few really important levels. If you can, try to have a serious conversation regarding the future of this relationship from both of your perspectives and if that doesn't work listen to your inner voice.

 

[SooChun Lin]

How should I approach him about my feelings?

Dear Seras,
Many people overlook that feelings need to be communicate. You are wise that you aware that you want to share your feelings with him. Tell your feelings honestly, just like what you tell us here eg when he did such and such thing, action or saying etc, how did you feel. Just say it honestly and sincerely.

Other than feelings, you also tell us here a lot of your thoughts and doubts, you should tell him the same honestly, and ask those questions or doubts that you have. He is the best person to answer it instead of other people.

I'm not sure whether he has any issue. Regardless whether he has issue, there's other possibility such as you and him have different needs in relationship. For example, he might only need to flatter you with words but you need more such as get closer to him etc. I'm not sure whether it is the real case, just an example. In long term, having different needs from each other might be challenging, though some people manage it, for some others might be quite painful. It's whether he can do what you need or if he can not, you need to learn to "not needing" it or substitute with other ways.

If he is a kind person and have many female friends, you need to learn to accept it, or else this relationship might give you a lot of challenge in long term. Some people who do not wish to "share" their partner with others, they prefer to let go of a very kind person and choose another partner who is not so kind or popular. Eventually, it's our own choice. If you know the challenge and choose this person, you need to be responsible for your choice, either gain self growth by working on your sense of security or others that might apply to you. Hoping or asking partner to change just because you don't like some part of him usually doesn't work well in long term relationship too. Because personality or habits are parts of a person. He might try, but whether he manages to change in long term would be depending on individuals.

Good luck dear...