Is this a Manic Episode?

[crzycadn]

For those of you who read my threads/posts, you know that I am on new medication and trying to incorporate positive changes into my life. It would have been 2 weeks this Thurs. that I felt normal. I F/U 'd today and I don't know why.

I got my E.I. today - my sister took me this morning to get a few things and also to my appt. at THEO BC, which is an agency that helps people with disabilities obtain and keep employment. Everything was really good - too good - I felt very energized and jittery, and I don't know why. The guy I saw was really nice, my sister was great - I even stopped into a store I had applied at for a job to see the manager and spoke to her for a few minutes before my appt at THEO. So my confidence is up, my mood is up.

At my appt. at Theo, I started to "tear up". I felt very UP and GOOD so I don't know what brought on the tears. He was very nice and understanding and even though I had tears, I still joked with him. I am so fu......d.

After the appt. my sister took me home and we had coffee and she left. So what did I do? I took Tina for a walk to the liquor store and got a big bottle of wine - not because of a craving, just because I wanted it. (I have not had any alcohol in about 6 weeks and I am a self-diagnosed binge drinker.) I wanted to change my mood and test myself. Trust me - the 16.00 I spent on the wine is much needed for food and bus fare, but I dismissed that. I came home and called my nephew just to tell him how much I enjoyed his 2 yr. old daughter who I played with all day yesterday (and she loves Auntie K) I had 1 glass of wine when I did that and that made me cry even more and I don't know why. Why do I do this to myself.

What the f### is wrong with me? Why did I cry? Why was I so UP. I should have used the energy for housework.

Please send you comments. I guess I'm not getting better.

You guys have been more help to me than anyone else, but I'm drinking now, so I don't want to answer too much. In case I do, well - it will be interesting if you can read it.

Thanx

 

[Jazzey]

Re: Is this a Manic Episode? HELP

I'm so sorry you're going through this crzy :hug::hug:. I can't answer your question crzy. But I can tell you that I've had those dichotomies in my moods before - I'm diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. I think I'm doing fine, cracking jokes and the next moment, I'm in tears.

For me, when I've really thought about it - it sometimes had to do with fears that I was trying to shut out. Feelings that I didn't want to examine too closely. And, like you, it often ended up with a trip to the liquor store. I get it.

I'm just wondering if your tears weren't anything more than a release of emotions pertaining more to insecurities or fear on your part? Is that possible?

Sending you positive vibes tonight crzy. :hug:

 

[crzycadn]

Re: Is this a Manic Episode? HELP

For me, when I've really thought about it -

it sometimes had to do with fears that I was trying to shut out. Feelings that I didn't want to examine too closely. And, like you, it often ended up with a trip to the liquor store. I get it.

Oh Jazzey - you are so right on!! I am afraid. I am afraid I won't get a job before my EI runs out in January. I am afraid no one will hire me because I am old and over weight. I am afraid I will always be alone. Even typing this (while I am drinking) is making me bawl my eyes out. I can't voice these fears to people that are trying to help me find work can I?

When does examining fears become obsessive and unrealistic? I try not to think of them because it is unproductive and stupid, but they are REAL FEARS TO ME and always in the back of my mind.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: Is this a Manic Episode? HELP

:hug::hug: One day at a time Crzy. Sometimes, it really just is one day at a time.

And, you are NOT old. Sometimes, life just deals us certain circumstances. It's what we do with them that counts crzy. So for now, I think you're doing great - you're taking all of these great steps, you're trying - that counts for so much. Don't discount it.

For right now crzy - give yourself that pat on the back. You have already shown wonderful strength, compassion and a wonderful sense of humour here. Those will carry you through those baby steps that you're taking right now. Sometimes, it's really easy to want to run, make it speed up. But there is a value in taking things step by step - just trust yourself Crzy. You're doing a great job. :2thumbs:

 

[crzycadn]

Re: Is this a Manic Episode? HELP

:hug::hug: One day at a time Crzy. Sometimes, it really just is one day at a time.

And, you are NOT old. Sometimes, life just deals us certain circumstances. It's what we do with them that counts crzy. So for now, I think you're doing great - you're taking all of these great steps, you're trying - that counts for so much. Don't discount it.

For right now crzy - give yourself that pat on the back. You have already shown wonderful strength, compassion and a wonderful sense of humour here. Those will carry you through those baby steps that you're taking right now. Sometimes, it's really easy to want to run, make it speed up. But there is a value in taking things step by step - just trust yourself Crzy. You're doing a great job. :2thumbs:

Your response meanis so much to me Jazzey. I mean - that's what I have been thinking too - just because I fall down once doesn't mean I'm at the bottom again. Does that mean I can enjoy my big bottle of wine today and cry my eyes out and just let go? Don't matter what's right, "cause that's what I'm doin",

It doesn't mean I'm going to do it again next week or tomorrow. maybe I just needed a reminder of how awful hangovers are.

I love you today! You have made me feel so much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes I wish that some people on this forum were my real friends right in my neighbourhood. But you know what's sad? There are probably people in my building that are having the same struggles, but are too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it.

 

[Jazzey]

Yes, tonight is just tonight. Just don't forget your worth crzy and all of your accomplishments. You have a lot of strength and compassion. That counts for a lot in this lifetime, in my books. :hug::hug:

 

[white page]

I am on new medication and trying to incorporate positive changes into my life

You guys have been more help to me than anyone else, but I'm drinking now, so I don't want to answer too much. In case I do, well - it will be interesting if you can read it.

I know how much you are struggling at the moment czycdn, and it takes courage to affront the path of changes, be kind to yourself and accept that you may have setbacks on this journey, you will be giving your self a better chance of suceeding all round if you don't mix meds with alcohol, not only is this dangerous, but the combination of the two can take your head and behaviour to places that you may either regret or not be able to cope with.

Please try to give your meds a chance, come here if you feel the need to drink and talk to us , we are here to support you during this threshold time for you.
my best wishes wp