Is this complicated grief?

[1969Morticia]

Three years ago, I lost my mother to COPD caused by smoking. We were extremely close most of our lives and I constantly pestered her to stop smoking. We would fight about it, especially after she began showing symptoms like shortness of breath when I was a teenager. I bought everything that came out on the market to try to get her to stop. I got married at 23 and had three boys, grandsons to whom she was very close.

Obviously the COPD continued to progress and in about 2004, she was not able to live on her own and came to live with me. She was on O2 24 hours a day, but she would take it off to go out on my deck and smoke anyway right up until she was not physically able. She was diagnosed with "end stage lung disease" and given six months and referred to hospice services.

She passed away December 2006. At first, I think I was in a state of shock, as I do not remember the three days following her death. The day she died, the hospice nurse suggested she needed to be hospitalized (again...we spent lots of time in hospitals) and I stayed with her. She was not conscious once we got to the hospital. I was there when she died and could do nothing as she had a DNR. I always knew I would not be able to handle her death well, but this is worse than I imagined.

There were many times I resented her for doing that to herself. I felt that she did not love me enough to stop smoking. We did not get along well near the end and I seemed to withdraw from her when she needed me most and I could not help it. I was mad at her. It broke my heart to see her get down to 82 pounds but it made me mad too. During her last months, I also had a significant drug problem that affected my ability as a caretaker and I feel that I failed her. She was there for me my whole life and I feel like I let her down in absolutely the worst way. Neither of us actually faced the fact that she would be dying soon, either. I never gave her the chance to really talk about her feelings about dying because I could not accept that she was.

Now I still have all these feelings, like anger and sadness and resentment, in addition to many years of beautiful memories. I feel like she cheated my kids out of having their grandmother. I cry about her a lot and wish I had been kinder sometimes. I see her when I look in the mirror. I question the very nature of time and wonder why I can't rewind it and have her back. I feel like a little girl (I am 40) who still needs my mommy. Is any of this normal (yeah, I know...everyone grieves differently)? What can I do to overcome these feelings and gain some peace about this.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hi, Morticia:

Personally, the terms "complicated grief" or "complicated bereavement" make little sense to me, since there is no timetable for grief and no right or wrong way to grieve. Certainly, given that it's less than 4 years since the loss of your mother, I would not call that excessive grieving at all.

However, it sounds to me like some grief counselling could be beneficial for you. Have you tried that or considered it?

 

[Ade]

I agree with David, to much emphasis is often placed on terms like complicated or compounded grief, your time frame for grieving will be personal to you.
Well meaning people can make you feel worse by saying its time to move on or pushing you to slot into their time scale regarding how long it takes to recover from a major loss.
People react to such experiences in their own way so try not to judge your self by others standards.
Couselling may help you so it maybe worth trying.
I wish you well

 

[Jewel]

Hi 1969Morticia,
I understand how you feel. My Mother died this past Oct 23 and I know I won't ever get over it. Even though I was close to Mom 'til the end and was able to help with her care a lot, I still go over small incidents that inevitably occur between Mother and daughter and kick myself. I remember Mom telling me she wanted to visit this beautiful old cathedral and I wouldn't take her. I told her to ask my Dad to take her because I was too busy. I think of this and it hurts my heart as I think of how happy that small thing would have made her and how she deserved so much more than that, and I was stupid and selfish and given a second chance I would take her to every cathedral in North America! I think of her little face and her smile and wish so much that I had known that the end was coming. I would have taped her voice so I could hear it again and taken more pictures. I am trying to find a counselor to talk to as my 'friends' have not been supportive at all. My one friend who always said she would be there for me when this happened, hasn't called me once. I am scared as I don't like to ask friends for help, but if I don't talk to someone about this, I am afraid I will end up in the hospital. I think it would be a good idea for you to find a professional to talk to also. It won't take away the pain and loss, but I find that talking things through with someone clarifies things and helps you sort them out. Good luck and know that you are not alone in this.