Christmas is here. That means that soon this severe depressive and angerful state will pass. Every year I go through this. I'm trying to figure out why I am so depressed during the holiday season. I think I know, but I don't want to admit that my childhood is still a major contributing factor in my life. You see I'm 39 now and I've been through therapy in the past and I thought I dealt with all of my issues. Well, even though I have come a long way, I still haven't dealt with my issues of low self esteem or the fact that stuff happened to me during the holiday season when I was a child. Let's see, where do I start. Well, this is hard to admit, but the first time I remember being sexually abused was New Years Eve in 1972. At least that my first memory of the long term abuse I suffered. I think it was sooner than that because I used to pull my hair out during my sleep and I had severe nightmares all prior to my first memory of the abuse. I'm angry because all of the signs of sexual abuse were there, but my mother never had a clue. At least she claims never to have had a clue. As a matter of fact, when I came out and told her of my elven years of abuse in 1985 she told me that I was lying. What a wonderful woman! Speaking of the self centered witch who has five children and should never have had one, with her every Christmas was the same. She used to yell and scream every Christmas Day, "Get out of my F---- kitchen, and other profanities at us. But then when my Aunts would get there, she would get drunk and then be so nice and tell us how much she loved us. Then there is the recent past. My little brother has taken over the tradition of Christmas Day. I admire him so much for this. He truly is a wonderful person and has a great family. I would love to spend Christmas Day with him, but I can't. The reason is my sister. She has issues with me. No matter what conversation I am having with someone, she makes rude comments. Now I know that I am an adult and am not the only one who has to deal with family members like this, but this is different in the sense that because I have gotten so good at ignoring her, she resorts to pulling my children off and telling them that I used to be a drug addict and a, well loose woman. I insist this is not true, but even if it were how can you tell children something like this about their mother? Anyway, in order not to put myself or my kids in harm's way, I will not be attending dinner at my brother's house. Instead I will be having a late dinner with my children because they will be in church with their father and my 19 year old will be at my brother's house. I am also having a friend over who's son is in California. So that's that. That will be my Christmas. Alone for most of the day, but hey what can you do?