David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Jane?s 12 Step Recovery Manifesto for Adult Children of Tiger Mothers
by Jane Chin
January 23, 2011
Having recently ?retired? from one of my businesses, my friend Steve Woodruff said that I should look into a role as ?Leader of the Tiger Mom Recovery Program?.
I think he was joking. Plus, I wouldn?t know where to start.
But then I thought? shouldn?t recovery programs start out with a manifesto of some kind?
I can at least begin there!
Dear readers, I bring you? Jane?s 12 Step Recovery Manifesto for Adult Children of Tiger Mothers [thanks to the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous for the template]
1. I admit that I am powerless over my imperfection ? that my life has become, according to familial perceptions based on Tiger Parenting values ? a shame to my family and all ancestors bearing the family name.
2. I now believe that an achievement greater than academic performance/fiscal performance/whether I got admitted to Harvard via Early Decision/made CEO of my company/became president of my country could restore my life to sanity.
3. I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of ordinary human relationships based on extraordinary logic of mutual respect and kindness as much as I can understand it (and if I choose, to turn my life over to a Higher Power as I can understand It.)
4. I make an inventory of my self-perception based on the thoughts and deeds toward other human beings*/toward myself, and whether my existence had made their/my thoughts and deeds more pleasant (or at least, tolerable), as the primary basis of my definition for ?success?.
5. I admit to myself (and a Higher Power of my calling) the exact nature of my false self-identity based only on external merits and achievements and the opinions of other people.
6. I am entirely ready to have removed all these false conceptions of who I am and whether I am of value.
7. I humbly ask (a Higher Power) to remove my false conceptions of how I should or shouldn?t matter as a human being.
8. I make a list of all persons I have shamed, embarrassed, let down, disappoint, been intolerable by virtue of my lackluster achievements, and become willing to accept that they are completely entitled to their own opinions and that I can choose to ?agree to disagree? with these opinions.
9. I make direct amends to myself for all the times when I have deliberately harmed, injured, or hurt myself as punishment for not living up to other people?s expectations.
10. I continue to take personal inventory and when I begin to self-identify with only measures of external achievements, promptly admit it and remedy this false self-identification and false self-predication.
11. I will affirm through prayer / meditation / post-it-notes / pre-scheduled-Tweets to remind myself that I have a choice NOT to verbally / emotionally / physically abuse myself or my spouse / children / parents** / friends as the sole method of showing that I love myself / spouse / children / parents / friends.
12. I have awakened to who I really am, and as a result, I carry this message to other adult children of Tiger Parenting, and aim to practice these principles in my dealing with my own children.
*you may have to exclude Tiger parents from this, because there is no way you can make their lives tolerable or more pleasant as the ?failure? that you are seen by them to be.
**that?s right, I include parents in here; doing no harm includes doing no harm to people whom you believe have done you harm.
by Jane Chin
January 23, 2011
Having recently ?retired? from one of my businesses, my friend Steve Woodruff said that I should look into a role as ?Leader of the Tiger Mom Recovery Program?.
I think he was joking. Plus, I wouldn?t know where to start.
But then I thought? shouldn?t recovery programs start out with a manifesto of some kind?
I can at least begin there!
Dear readers, I bring you? Jane?s 12 Step Recovery Manifesto for Adult Children of Tiger Mothers [thanks to the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous for the template]
1. I admit that I am powerless over my imperfection ? that my life has become, according to familial perceptions based on Tiger Parenting values ? a shame to my family and all ancestors bearing the family name.
2. I now believe that an achievement greater than academic performance/fiscal performance/whether I got admitted to Harvard via Early Decision/made CEO of my company/became president of my country could restore my life to sanity.
3. I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of ordinary human relationships based on extraordinary logic of mutual respect and kindness as much as I can understand it (and if I choose, to turn my life over to a Higher Power as I can understand It.)
4. I make an inventory of my self-perception based on the thoughts and deeds toward other human beings*/toward myself, and whether my existence had made their/my thoughts and deeds more pleasant (or at least, tolerable), as the primary basis of my definition for ?success?.
5. I admit to myself (and a Higher Power of my calling) the exact nature of my false self-identity based only on external merits and achievements and the opinions of other people.
6. I am entirely ready to have removed all these false conceptions of who I am and whether I am of value.
7. I humbly ask (a Higher Power) to remove my false conceptions of how I should or shouldn?t matter as a human being.
8. I make a list of all persons I have shamed, embarrassed, let down, disappoint, been intolerable by virtue of my lackluster achievements, and become willing to accept that they are completely entitled to their own opinions and that I can choose to ?agree to disagree? with these opinions.
9. I make direct amends to myself for all the times when I have deliberately harmed, injured, or hurt myself as punishment for not living up to other people?s expectations.
10. I continue to take personal inventory and when I begin to self-identify with only measures of external achievements, promptly admit it and remedy this false self-identification and false self-predication.
11. I will affirm through prayer / meditation / post-it-notes / pre-scheduled-Tweets to remind myself that I have a choice NOT to verbally / emotionally / physically abuse myself or my spouse / children / parents** / friends as the sole method of showing that I love myself / spouse / children / parents / friends.
12. I have awakened to who I really am, and as a result, I carry this message to other adult children of Tiger Parenting, and aim to practice these principles in my dealing with my own children.
*you may have to exclude Tiger parents from this, because there is no way you can make their lives tolerable or more pleasant as the ?failure? that you are seen by them to be.
**that?s right, I include parents in here; doing no harm includes doing no harm to people whom you believe have done you harm.
