amastie
Member
Hi,
there?s nothing anyone can do. I just need to acknowledge my grief.
Today, my auntie died. She was a very good person, quick to help others, loved life, was brave and adventurous, a good friend and sister-in-law to my mother. She was the first wife of my mother?s brother but always considered mum and our family as hers.
My sadness today isn?t so much even because she has died, though of course that saddens me very much. It?s more because, like so many members of my family, my own psychiatric illness over many years alienated me from them. Kind, well-meaning in every way, it was difficult to be with me, very hard to be comfortable with me. I acted out too much, too emotionally inconsistent in my dealings. Especially with family.
I never got over an abuse that happened to me as a child. I never left behind that child, and I created an inner reality that helped to protect her. In the process, my behaviour *did* become inconsistent and too often childlike, even in late middle age. This auntie?s world fell between good and not good, sure and ?leave it alone?. She tried very hard at time to include me. She did so out of kindness and familial loyalty, but we never could get the pieces together. I could not support her when she developed cancer. I *wanted* to. I tried to. I went to our family get-together and spoke as an adult in the company of other family, yet her discomfort was by now part of the context of our relating. I felt so sorry, *so* sorry, yet I could do nothing to heal it. Certainly not now as she embarked on her last round of chemo and radiation.
I?m so sorry not to be present for others and I find it hard to overcome the feeling that I have no value because I cannot be. I rang two friends who share my Spiritualist belief. If I cannot be present for her in life, I want to make sure that I rally as much support for her as I can in her death.
One friend whom I rang said that ?You cannot be there for everyone.? It?s true. I can see that some people feel that I am there for them. I just wish my family were among them.
amastie
there?s nothing anyone can do. I just need to acknowledge my grief.
Today, my auntie died. She was a very good person, quick to help others, loved life, was brave and adventurous, a good friend and sister-in-law to my mother. She was the first wife of my mother?s brother but always considered mum and our family as hers.
My sadness today isn?t so much even because she has died, though of course that saddens me very much. It?s more because, like so many members of my family, my own psychiatric illness over many years alienated me from them. Kind, well-meaning in every way, it was difficult to be with me, very hard to be comfortable with me. I acted out too much, too emotionally inconsistent in my dealings. Especially with family.
I never got over an abuse that happened to me as a child. I never left behind that child, and I created an inner reality that helped to protect her. In the process, my behaviour *did* become inconsistent and too often childlike, even in late middle age. This auntie?s world fell between good and not good, sure and ?leave it alone?. She tried very hard at time to include me. She did so out of kindness and familial loyalty, but we never could get the pieces together. I could not support her when she developed cancer. I *wanted* to. I tried to. I went to our family get-together and spoke as an adult in the company of other family, yet her discomfort was by now part of the context of our relating. I felt so sorry, *so* sorry, yet I could do nothing to heal it. Certainly not now as she embarked on her last round of chemo and radiation.
I?m so sorry not to be present for others and I find it hard to overcome the feeling that I have no value because I cannot be. I rang two friends who share my Spiritualist belief. If I cannot be present for her in life, I want to make sure that I rally as much support for her as I can in her death.
One friend whom I rang said that ?You cannot be there for everyone.? It?s true. I can see that some people feel that I am there for them. I just wish my family were among them.
amastie
