Just need somebody to talk to...

[waif]

I think I need help. I don’t really know what I need to say and I never really said any of this to anyone so I think I’ll say it and hope it makes me feel better.

I’m in my late twenties now and having problems coping with life.

My dad died when I was seven I don’t remember or know anything about him (my mum never really spoke about him) – I don’t know what it’s like to have a dad. All I have are a set of photos of the four of us in the garden taken especially because they knew he was soon going to die of cancer. I was brought up by my mother and older sister – I was well looked after, never wanted for anything. Though I was never shown any love I was never hugged, kissed or talked to unless I had done something wrong. My mum never showed any interest or support in anything I did. I don’t want to sound ungrateful many have had it much worse and it must have been difficult for my mum to lose my father. I don’t see or speak to my mother or sister anymore, and they never call me.

I suffered from depression all the way through high school. I had problems making friends with others. I tried to fight it but it kind of beat me.

I still managed to do well in my studies – I worked obsessively hard almost every hour of the day to take my mind off my problems. This got me a first class degree – highest grade in the year. It’s then that I met my now girlfriend and immediately moved away with her so I could do an MA. At the end of the first year I had a nervous breakdown. I completely folded inside myself and lost what little self confidence I had. I quit the course and move back to my hometown. It took me three years to recover. My girlfriend supported me all the way through this, I don’t understand why.

She’s tells me again and again that she loves me and would do anything for me and she wants to marry me. Problem is I don’t feel anything for her, I don’t think about her and I don’t miss her when I work away from home. I don’t feel anything for anyone. I have serious social problems I can’t mix with groups of people and I can’t make any friends, I have no friends. I guess my girlfriend is my only friend but I don’t care about her. I think she is the only person who slightly knows me, but I don’t think she knows me very well.

The only feeling I have these days is lust which makes me feel disgusting about myself. What I really want is to feel love, I want to fall in love and have a family. But how can I when I don’t feel love. How could I be a dad when I don’t even know what a dad is. I don’t even know what my problems are so I don’t think I can solve them. Maybe it’s all in my head and I’m a perfectly normal person I just don’t know. I just needed to put this somewhere because I need to talk to someone and I feel like I have nobody.

I’m thinking about leaving my girlfriend in the hope of meeting somebody and falling in love with them I know this is might be the biggest mistake of my life but something inside tells me it’s right. I’m very scared of being on my own forever.

waif

 

[Daniel E.]

:welcome2: Waif.

I have serious social problems I can’t mix with groups of people and I can’t make any friends, I have no friends.

Of course, it could only help to see a therapist about that. Can you afford to see a therapist (on a sliding scale) if you don't have insurance? Otherwise, if you live anywhere near a university, some of them have psychology clinics that are relatively inexpensive for the public (in addition to the free services for students).

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: Waif :welcome: to Psychlinks.

I agree with Daniel.

Seeing a doctor will get you a diagnosis. We do not do online diagnosis on Psychlinks. We caution people about any online diagnosis testing should only be considered as entertainment. So please see a doctor in person to ensure accuracy when seeking diagnosis.

When you had your nervous breakdown, did you see a doctor? Did you get a diagnosis then?

I am sorry you are struggling. I am glad you joned us though

 

[ladylore]

Welcome.

 

[waif]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the welcomes and sorry for the out burst - I think I just needed to let it out. Apart from the above I think I'm ok.

I have never seen a doctor though for the first time I think I actually want to.

waif

 

[Rima]

Hi, I absolutely definitely think you should find someone to talk to, and don't let your 'social' side (beyond the first or second visit) keep things at that level - work at getting your fears and concerns out, and don't worry about how you'll be seen. It'll be a 'safe' place to unload and get feedback on whatever you need, and from the sound of it, you're trying to bury so much, but it just won't stay buried (which is 100% normal the older we get). I do think if you don't feel much for your girlfriend you should allow her to find someone who would care more, and you could then feel more free to do the same, but maybe stay away from serious relationships 'til you've had a chance to find out who you really are (don't worry, we all are afraid of that, but it usually turns out there's just a lost little kid inside, nothing horrible:lol. You sound like you have so much promise, but need to be free of the baggage, so go do it (just be sure whoever you see is qualified - no time for 'lowest bidder' philosophy!).

 

[Jackie]

Hi, and welcome to you

 

[Retired]

I have never seen a doctor

Tha is an interesting statement, Waif. To what do you attrribute never ever having been to a doctor?

Is this a practice followed by members of your family as well?

What about as a child, for innoculations and pediatric followup?

How do you deal with pain, discomfort, illness preventative care, or let's say an accident?

 

[waif]

Thanks for your post Rima, it has made me feel better. I'm certainly going to try to talk to somebody. I know it's selfish but I'm scared of leaving my girlfriend because I will then be completely alone.

TSWO - When I say I haven't seen a doctor I mean regarding my mental health.

waif

 

[why]

Welcome to the forums!

 

[songbird]

Hi and welcome Waif,

I am going to say what every one else has said....you need to see a professional to get properly diagnosed.

I can relate to some of your struggles growing up. My dad left when I was two, I never saw him or heard from him again until I was 23. I was the youngest of 4, 3 older brothers. My mom was 'absent' when I was growing up, not only in the physical sense from having to work from 7 to 7, but also in anyway that would be engaging. We were very, very poor and all 4 of us were unsupervised, neglected and deprived of most daily comforts that people take for granted. I too never really had any friends, I think mainly because we moved every time the rent was raised or if we were evicted, which was every year. So it was difficult settling in only to move shortly after. I didn't attend school for the most part, I think my mom liked me home to do her job so she never really enforced it, which wasn't conducive to making friends either. Different story, but it would produce similar feelings with not having a father figure and likewise the emotional neglect you felt from your mom.

......and years later I too am struggling with heart issues, relationship problems, identity issues. It's only after I had a complete stress breakdown that I really began to understand how intricate all these developmental complexities from birth to the present play into who I am today. For myself anyway I can see now how the lack of early attachment bonds and maternal social deprivation effected my physiology, psyche and how it connects to the under-and-over arousal, withdrawal, hyper reactivity, reactive depression, stimulus seeking behaviors, etc., that I've struggled with throughout my life. For myself, I believe my developmental years predisposed me to getting certain disorders later on in life, so it is really important that you do take the necessary steps to take care of such issues as early on as possible. I didn't, I thought I had a handle on most of that. I didn't dwell on my childhood or upbringing, I understand better now how my developmental years, low self worth, played into me being anti-social by choice for most of my life, not for lack of opportunity but I always managed to justify it one way or another, quite legitimately. All these choices, whether decided in sickness or health, eventually catch up with you, well me anyway. You either have to deal with it, live with it or die cause of it.

I also have a very supportive, caring, loving boyfriend and I have given absolutely nothing back in the relationship, I just don't see how anyone can fall in love with someone in my situation....hypervigilance, hypersensitivity, obsessiveness, detachment, withdrawal, depression, etc., the list goes on and on, I just don't get it. I know I now have difficulty feeling and receiving love, which is a symptom that I have to work through. So right now, I just consider myself very fortunate to have him in my life, and just like you with out your girlfriend, without him I would have no one.

This turned out to be longer than I planned. I hope you don't mind me sharing so much about me in relating to some of what you are going through. Sometimes I like it when people do that because it makes me feel like they really understand when they can share from their own life experiences that caused them similar feelings to what I struggling with.

I don't know if any of this helped or not, I'm hoping it encourages you to get the help you need now, rather than later, seeing how it can develop into other problems like it has for myself by not seeking medical attention earlier on.

regards,

Songbird

 

[waif]

Thankyou songbird for your reply, it means a lot to me I don’t know if I should say but it made me cry. It sounds like you had a tougher time than me. I’m glad you have your boyfriend. Reading your experience has helped me understand my own situation a little better and it does make me want to get help.

I’ve been hiding my problems for so long now that I can easily pretend they don’t exist to meet me you really wouldn’t know I’m the person on this thread. I feel like I’m living a lie pretending to be the person I want to be (perhaps a person I could be)

Every now and again something happens and it all comes to the surface. Something specific has happened to me recently which has made me want to fix myself so I can have a happy future. That aside I’ve been looking after myself and in a way I feel stronger than ever (physically and professionally.) I think this has given me the willpower to make a start - This thread is the first time I have ever reached out for help.

One of the ways I have been coping with my problem is through obsessive behaviours – working every hour available, collecting stuff I don’t need - I have boxes and boxes of things I wanted as a child (I’ve tried to get rid of them but I find it difficult), and there are other things I don’t need to mention.

Today I tried to call my sister and ask her if she feels anything like I do but I couldn’t do it. Maybe I could ask her in an email. I hope I never have to speak to my mother about this – I don’t think I could ever do that.

Thanks to everyone for your posts.

 

[songbird]

Hi again Waif,

It sounds like you had a tougher time than me.

I don't agree that you can measure trauma or the degree of injury by circumstances, personally I would measure it by the degree of impact that it has had on ones life.

"I’ve been hiding my problems for so long now that I can easily pretend they don’t exist to meet me you really wouldn’t know I’m the person on this thread."

I understand.....I have also spent most my life being 'well received',, 'saught after', still am actually, when living on the surface. Until an incident, like yourself, about 4 months after, I crashed, burned and got stuck there. Helplessly witnessing my life disintegrate into a million pieces.

"I feel like I’m living a lie pretending to be the person I want to be (perhaps a person I could be"

I was brought up living lies, keeping secrets, but all that pretending, which has brought you affirmation, success in areas of your life is still you, the person you are. We all wear different hats, we own all the hats. It just means that there are other areas of our lives that have been neglected that need attending. I see it like weeds, if you don't weed, it will over take and strangle the life trying to grow in the garden.

"Every now and again something happens and it all comes to the surface. .... which has made me want to fix myself so I can have a happy future."

That is weeding, it's so important that you do that and music to the ears that you recognize that at your age.

"That aside I’ve been looking after myself and in a way I feel stronger than ever (physically and professionally.) "

That is all good! But don't let "that aside" go inside. I spent most of my adult years exercising amazing discipline, obsessions like working out, sociology and appearances. I had it working for me, at home, in business, in relationships. I was in demand, but not always available. It provided much needed affirmation, and self worth, but like you said, things come up in life and for all the positive outward appearances reflected in my life, I didn't have the inner resources when I needed them most.

Change of subject, I am leaving for the Sunshine Coast, BC, tomorrow for a week. Camping out on a converted fishing/pleasure boat. It's a beautiful boat. If you have time, a couple of positively inspiring links to check out in your spare time are: YouTube - Perpetuum Jazzile - Africa (live, HQ)

Its of a choir that simulates the rain and thunder to the song Bless the Rain in Africa. They simulate all the instruments, the guy that beat boxes the drums is pretty cool.

Another one, you've most likely viewed is: YouTube - Fantastic Scenic Views Of Planet Earth

Clips from planet earth set to wonderfully intense music. Although the clips are no where near as amazing as the dvd's some scenes give me such a rush, so majestic.

Cheers,

Songbird

 

[Rima]

Hi, why would you be "completely alone" if you left your girlfriend? There are billions of people in the world, a huge of chunk of whom are wanting to connect with others too, but just put on a happy face so you don't know it. You'd be very surprised at who's looking and who would probably be really glad to have made a new friend, if not something more serious. If you don't do anything (and I mean see a prof. too) where will you be in a year? Feeling just as crummy as you do now, and with more baggage to drag around. You will be attractive to more people if you feel good because it shows, and you'll feel good if you're more free of your baggage. You can process it all in your head til you're cuckoo, but can still only see it from your perspective and need fresh input... so give yourself a chance.

 

[wren]

Hi Waif,
I had to post because I very much identify with your story.
I have been there before, and what you're describing is actually quite typical of depression (though I'm by no means diagnosing you, as I'm not in any place to do that)

A few years ago I was dating someone when a bout of depression hit very strongly. Suddenly, there was this complete absense of feeling. I didn't feel sad necessarily, I just didn't care about much including myself. I had never been to a psychologist though I had been prescribed anti-depressants throughout my teen years, and I felt like I could put it off and deal with it myself because I'd been dealing with these episodes for many years. It seemed like it was just part of my personality rather than an illness.

When this particular bout hit, I felt very guilty - I couldn't explain why I no longer had feelings for this person I was with but I knew I wanted to be alone.

Breaking up was very difficult because we had been going out for about two years at this point, but in hindsight it did turn out to be for the best for a few reasons. If I was honest with myself, I was with him because I didn't think I could find someone else - that's never a good idea. I really respected him and valued him as a friend, but I tended to force the attraction and romantic feelings because I thought that's all there was for me. After all, who would be with someone who struggled like I did sometimes, and who would be faithful and reliable like I needed them to be at the same time? When I broke up with him, this allowed him to be free to find someone who's crazy about him - and I know he will. It would have been selfish to keep him around until I find something better and have an assurance I can leave with the reassurance I won't be alone. He's not an object to prop up my ego, he's a person with thoughts and feelings that can get trampled too. But man, let me tell you it was NOT easy to finally get that out and make the decision.

It would've turned out to be for the best because it would've given me the time to get help. I did not take that time as I was still in denial for a long while, but in your case I would reccomend it.

It was also great because I took the chance on being alone and actually found that, wouldn't you know it, I found someone who after 3 years of dating I'm still crazy about (I go through periods where the absense of feeling about things strikes, but I'm aware now that that is depression coloring my perception, and I get through it). He's extremely supportive and we both say we're the best friends we wish we'd had growing up. With him, everything feels "right".

Like you, I don't have many friends. Well, any. I have aqquaintances, but outside of work etc. my boyfriend is it. It's the same for him. I don't trust many people, and so I withhold a great deal sometimes. Generally, I also feel that the things that entertain me are different than those of most people at my age, and luckily it's the same for my boyfriend.

I would like a friend or two, and am getting better with counselling at extending myself a little more, even if just to be friendly, but it's been a while getting over that enormous fear of judgement and risk of abandonment.

All to say, I think you should talk to someone. But keep in mind that you need to find the right person. I went to a counsellor in university, a psychologist as it would happen, and I found myself holding back certain details about my problems because I worried she would judge me. With the psychologist I'm with now, I let it all out because I know she's probably heard worse and she will not judge me for it. She's very supportive and easy to talk to and we even make jokes sometimes. You will need to find someone you feel comfortable talking to and recognize that, no matter what you have to say, they've probably heard it before - Or worse. Remember, it's their job to listen to people's thoughts or tales of people's neurotic behaviour.

As for the girlfriend, be respectful. Do whatever you would want her to do for you were the tables reversed. Don't say something that will make her question her value as a person or her likeability or make her seem like she's easily discardable. If you are to break up, keep in mind she's been very supportive and treat the break up with the respect it deserves. Stay friends if possible.

And remember that while it may cause her pain immediately, you are doing a better thing for her by letting her be free to find someone who wants her around.

Whatever you decide to do with the relationship, whether it be working on it or ending it, focus on working on these issues of yours. Go to a counsellor. Anything that interferes with your life is worth talking about.

You have legitimate questions about your dad, you sound lonely and sad - even if everything else is going ok, it's worth it just to talk to someone with an objective stance who can give youa perspective. He may point out a core issue you may not have been aware keeps getting in your way.

With me, if you'd asked me if I made myself "small" and supressed a lot of my own wants for other people, I'd have said no. My psychologist, however, pointed out that I do. It was valuable to hear that as I'm facing decisions now that I'm aware my old tendancies of "what will they think?" might've changed my direction on had I not been aware that I tend to think that way. I'm standing up for myself in that regard a bit more and making my own decisions.

You sound smart and self aware. I have no doubt you can beat this. Whatever you decide to do.

Take care waif, and keep the board posted on what happens!
Wren

 

[waif]

Hi Rima, Songbird, and Wren, thanks for your reply.


You’re lucky to have found somebody your still crazy about after 3years. The feelings you describe for your exboyfriend sound very similar to my own. Breaking up with my girlfriend will be very difficult – we’ve been together about 5/6 years. She is my only friend and we do have fun and enjoy the same things. She is also a truly nice person and very pretty but I don’t feel anything - how can that be?. I don’t know how I could have let this go on so long. I have spoken to her about breaking up, she says the very thought of it makes her feel sick and I end up crying – she is so much stronger than me. Inside I know it would be the right thing for both of us.

On a plus side: I had a good day at work today though I did something stupid. In a way my job keeps me going, I dread the weekends because I know I’ll be on my own. Last weekend I found myself going back into work on both days (even though I was the only person there) just to keep me going. I have been able to create fairly good working relationships with those around me – (though it did take over a year to do this – at first I was very shy and nervous(still am a bit)) however I have not been able to develop any of my working relationships into friendships. I have a lot of trouble having conversations about any thing non work related and if there are more than two other people around I shut down completely and say nothing – unless directly spoken to.

This weekend I plan to do some research and find out what support is available in my area. I really do intend to see somebody but I’m worried I won’t go through with this. As I mentioned before I have a habit of blocking things out and pretending all is ok. For example...

I remembered something horrible today which I had completely blocked out. I don’t know if I should mention it but I feel I need to. When I was 14/15 my sister was seriously assaulted. I remember being so argy and upset about what some guy had done to her. I can’t even imagine how she has been able to cope with it. The whole thing was brushed under the carpet like it never happened. It feels like this was the point when the three of us, as a family, we came to an end. How did I forget this?

Some other random thoughts…

I don’t want to be lonely but I often want to be alone.

I really want to know about my dad, but I can’t face asking the questions.

I often feel like a child, I don’t think I’ve ever grown up – I really can’t believe my age. I’ve wasted so many years being unhappy. This sounds stupid but I kind of blame at all on my dad for dying. How can I think like that?

Sorry my posts are a bit fragmented – I’m not very articulate and just type things as they appear in my head. Just want you to know this thread has been a great relief to me – I keep rereading it to remind myself what I must do. Thanks for everybody’s support – it is helping.

waif

 

[Rima]

Waif, you're SO not alone in one thing - I'd say the majority of us who've cared about people (especially parents) who die on us blame them at one point or another. It's natural - you feel abandoned and unreasonable about your feelings, but it's why we're human, not robotic. SO sorry about your sister, but I also feel somehow you maybe think you could have done something about it, and of course you couldn't have - you have a lot of guilt I think, to unload somewhere. And remember how often it is that being 'on the outside' can feel worse than being the victim, who usually makes a point of becoming stronger as a result of their trauma. You, BTW, are very articulate - I only wish more people could be so clear (even if it all feels muddled in your mind . I'm just waiting to hear that you've made that appointment, are willing to let someone try to help - after all, where would we be if we weren't allowed to do that - give some poor psych. a chance . You know I think it's great that you've come here, it's a sign you know it's time to get help, to allow yourself to be 'only human' and not superman. Tell you a secret - women always seem to be attracted to someone who's vulnerability shows - we don't like hotshots, show-offs, perfect people, can't relate to them and feel intimidated (when we're not outright laughing). Who wants to partner with a perfect facade anyhow, just makes our insecurities feel worse (and we all do have them).

 

[waif]

I had a terrible day at work but it?s irrelevant?

This evening I spoke to my sister on the phone (she rang me out of the blue to do a little bit of photoshop work for her business (yes, that?s what I do among other things!) ) ? I told her I was having problems and I had no feelings for anyone. She said she was the same and that it was all to do with Dad. We talked about him a bit and I spent most of the conversation crying. It turns out she has very similar problems(that seems like the wrong word - When she talked about it she sounded so strong and understanding about it all. I think ?issues? is the right word. ) She has no close friends and has a relationship that is one-sided in terms of love. She wanted to drive over to see me and make sure I was ok. The next time I?m back home I?m going to visit so we can talk it all through properly. It feels like this was the first time I have ever spoke to her. I can?t believe how relieved I feel.

 

[Always Changing]

Just a note really to say I am listening, and to say that I am glad you got to speak to your sister about where you are at. :2thumbs:

take care.

 

[Ade]

I know it's selfish but I'm scared of leaving my girlfriend because I will then be completely alone.

waif

Don't do any thing rash, you may have feelings for her but are unable to access them at this time.

Try therapy first before making any major choices about her, at this time she is a big part of your support system and you may need that more than you are able to understand.

Good luck
Ade