Hi Waif,
first off let me just say I'm so sorry for some of the things you have been through, especially with regards to your sister. I imagine it's shaken you up and probably left you confused, and possibly scared and isolated. The worst thing is probably not only that it happened, but that it's the elephant in the room: the thing that no one wants to talk about, but everyone knows is there.
Waif, I urge you to talk to a psychologist for that reason alone. You might not even know how much this is affecting your day to day life unconciously.
With regards to your girlfriend, I do have to say that upon further consideration, I agree with Ade.
Don't do anything rash, especially if this has more to do with a depressive episode. A lot of things (and people) look worse in the midst of one. With counselling it's possible you may be able to distinguish which is which. If you find that you feel better, have made significant progress, but the relationship still feels far gone, you'll know it's not just the emotional difficulties you're facing. But I guess I wanted to warn you against simply hanging on until you have an "out" (ie. you meet someone better) and then leave. That's a much more painful way to break up for your girlfriend, and the girl you end up with as a result may be questionable - after all, she'd have begun persuing you knowing you were attached already.
It's true that feelings of love often do resurface if they were strong to begin with, provided you wait out the rough periods. A lot of couples who have been married for over 40 years will tell you that. Once you're commited, you decide to have faith that the love is there, and that it will come back around.
I used my case as an example, but the reality was that I had reservations from the start, which I later accepted as I went along in our relationship. If you did not have these reservations, it may not be as wise to take the course of action I did.
However, I do worry, for your girlfriend's sake, whether you will be present enough to show the consideration necessary of a romantic relationship. If she waits this out with you and it is indeed just a phase, make an effort to remember what it is that drew you to her in the first place, and act kindly, even if it's hard. You don't need to shower her with roses but remember, she is standing by you. Be appreciative, if you can. Hugs always help.
I can definately relate, waif, and yours is by no means an easy situation. I also relate with your possibly occasional reservations that maybe you can handle this, and that it isn't that bad that you'd need to seek help. There's a tendancy to feel ridiculous asking for an unbiased perspective when you're functioning in some areas quite well. We think that people with mental illnesses, disorders or even emotional difficulties requiring a psychologist are farther gone, or are doing really drastic things like the people on A and E's Intervention show - when often times they only choose the most extreme cases for entertainment value. People fall all over the spectrum. My parents still refer to people with mental illness as "nutsy", fully aware that I see a psychologist and take medication. They explain my issues to themselves in a different way somehow. It's like there's a disconnect - you expect the people not to be those you work with or have fun with, but a more extreme caricature. But they ARE the people you work with. They may even be your manager who seems the picture of happiness. It's nearly impossible to tell sometimes and people with issues can be very successful in other areas of life.
Your social anxiety alone would be worth visiting for, let alone the issues within your family. If ANY area of your life is suffering, it's worth it. Sometimes you even just accept being chronically unenthusiastic as a way of life, not knowing it could be dysthimia, a more minor and long lasting form of depression. Don't assume that life always has to be that difficult and unrewarding.
I say this simply because I had been having difficulties since I was about 11 but often had it explained away. I figured that since I managed to function fairly well in some areas, it wasn't worth going for help. It wasn't THAT bad. But like most things you don't deal with, it gets worse the longer it has a chance to fester.
In hindsight I'd accepted, and I suspect you might be accepting, certain standards of living that I didn't have to accept as just "being me".
It's said that often the healthiest member of a family with problems ends up in the psychologists chair. Remember that. Having the ability to step back and recognize that something is off shows a great deal of ability to reflect and assess the situation in a rational manner. I think you would really benefit from talking to someone you feel comfortable with.
In the meantime, we're always here to listen!
Take care, waif!
first off let me just say I'm so sorry for some of the things you have been through, especially with regards to your sister. I imagine it's shaken you up and probably left you confused, and possibly scared and isolated. The worst thing is probably not only that it happened, but that it's the elephant in the room: the thing that no one wants to talk about, but everyone knows is there.
Waif, I urge you to talk to a psychologist for that reason alone. You might not even know how much this is affecting your day to day life unconciously.
With regards to your girlfriend, I do have to say that upon further consideration, I agree with Ade.
Don't do anything rash, especially if this has more to do with a depressive episode. A lot of things (and people) look worse in the midst of one. With counselling it's possible you may be able to distinguish which is which. If you find that you feel better, have made significant progress, but the relationship still feels far gone, you'll know it's not just the emotional difficulties you're facing. But I guess I wanted to warn you against simply hanging on until you have an "out" (ie. you meet someone better) and then leave. That's a much more painful way to break up for your girlfriend, and the girl you end up with as a result may be questionable - after all, she'd have begun persuing you knowing you were attached already.
It's true that feelings of love often do resurface if they were strong to begin with, provided you wait out the rough periods. A lot of couples who have been married for over 40 years will tell you that. Once you're commited, you decide to have faith that the love is there, and that it will come back around.
I used my case as an example, but the reality was that I had reservations from the start, which I later accepted as I went along in our relationship. If you did not have these reservations, it may not be as wise to take the course of action I did.
However, I do worry, for your girlfriend's sake, whether you will be present enough to show the consideration necessary of a romantic relationship. If she waits this out with you and it is indeed just a phase, make an effort to remember what it is that drew you to her in the first place, and act kindly, even if it's hard. You don't need to shower her with roses but remember, she is standing by you. Be appreciative, if you can. Hugs always help.
I can definately relate, waif, and yours is by no means an easy situation. I also relate with your possibly occasional reservations that maybe you can handle this, and that it isn't that bad that you'd need to seek help. There's a tendancy to feel ridiculous asking for an unbiased perspective when you're functioning in some areas quite well. We think that people with mental illnesses, disorders or even emotional difficulties requiring a psychologist are farther gone, or are doing really drastic things like the people on A and E's Intervention show - when often times they only choose the most extreme cases for entertainment value. People fall all over the spectrum. My parents still refer to people with mental illness as "nutsy", fully aware that I see a psychologist and take medication. They explain my issues to themselves in a different way somehow. It's like there's a disconnect - you expect the people not to be those you work with or have fun with, but a more extreme caricature. But they ARE the people you work with. They may even be your manager who seems the picture of happiness. It's nearly impossible to tell sometimes and people with issues can be very successful in other areas of life.
Your social anxiety alone would be worth visiting for, let alone the issues within your family. If ANY area of your life is suffering, it's worth it. Sometimes you even just accept being chronically unenthusiastic as a way of life, not knowing it could be dysthimia, a more minor and long lasting form of depression. Don't assume that life always has to be that difficult and unrewarding.
I say this simply because I had been having difficulties since I was about 11 but often had it explained away. I figured that since I managed to function fairly well in some areas, it wasn't worth going for help. It wasn't THAT bad. But like most things you don't deal with, it gets worse the longer it has a chance to fester.
In hindsight I'd accepted, and I suspect you might be accepting, certain standards of living that I didn't have to accept as just "being me".
It's said that often the healthiest member of a family with problems ends up in the psychologists chair. Remember that. Having the ability to step back and recognize that something is off shows a great deal of ability to reflect and assess the situation in a rational manner. I think you would really benefit from talking to someone you feel comfortable with.
In the meantime, we're always here to listen!
Take care, waif!
