Once again, I have tried to make it through another year of school and failed miserably. Although I made it through the first semestre ok, I bombed the second. Same as every year I have attempted. Except for one year where I bombed the first semestre and ended up in the hospital for depression. Unfortunately, I have turned to self-medicating in the past, but not always. It seems to me also that I don't find it that hard to forget about self-medicating and the drugs I have used. Even when I am free of drugs I still fail miserably. Even prescription drugs seem to be of no avail to me. I still feel miserable most of the time. My thoughts and my feelings are twisted and eventually they just lead me back to being anti-social and bitter or depressed. I once said that the hospital I was frequenting had not helped me at all. In a way it is true. They did help me when I was needing help desperately, but as far as long term therapy goes I was right. It has been almost 5 or 6 years since I first went to this hospital and I am still not where my psychiatrist thinks I should be. According to him I was supposed to be "all better" by the end of last summer. Well, as I said earlier, I did manage through the first semestre of my studies, but I was right back to ground zero in the second semestre. The problem is when I get stressed is when it hits me hardest. This time my medication failed me as well. The reason I could tell was how I felt and my actions followed. I was getting anti-social again and bitter. I wasn't eating and found it extremely hard to do so. It was very forced and I just felt sick when I did. I also had a higher sex drive which I know is abnormal for me on this medication as usually it is nil or extremely curbed. So I sought ways (albeit unhealthy) to make myself feel better. Of course, this just made things that much worse.
So I sought out another doctor. A general practitioner and he gave me a new medication. I still feel miserable and can't forget all the mistakes and blunder's I have made. I never seem to be able to and they bother me all the time. It doesn't help that I am reminded of them all the time by my family and others. Basically, I just want to get ahead and get on with my life, but it seems an endless circle which I am doomed to repeat in one way or another. Drugs or no drugs (that includes prescription). I have heard that a lot of people think I am faking it because I don't "look like I am sick". That just makes it all the worse. Despair is the word I am looking for.
I hate my life.
So I sought out another doctor. A general practitioner and he gave me a new medication. I still feel miserable and can't forget all the mistakes and blunder's I have made. I never seem to be able to and they bother me all the time. It doesn't help that I am reminded of them all the time by my family and others. Basically, I just want to get ahead and get on with my life, but it seems an endless circle which I am doomed to repeat in one way or another. Drugs or no drugs (that includes prescription). I have heard that a lot of people think I am faking it because I don't "look like I am sick". That just makes it all the worse. Despair is the word I am looking for.
I hate my life.
