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Lessons everyone learns the hard way
Susan Erasmus, Health24
"How could I have been so stupid?" is a question many people ask when things go wrong. We all have 20/20 hindsight. But there are many things in life that people do, which others warn them against. The fact that many have tried these things before them, and have come horribly short, usually does not act as a deterrent.
So what are the mistakes most of us have to make once before we realise that it's not in our best interests to go down that road?
Doing business with family and friends.
The main problem here is that business, by definition is a tricky business – when we are at loggerheads with someone over a business deal, and this person happens to be a friend or a relative, that relationship will invariably suffer. There are some people who can manage to pull this one off, but most people can't. It may very well be that it's not beyond Uncle Freddy to go to the Seychelles with your money. Choose business partners outside of your family or circle of friends.
Thinking you can fix other people
People can only change themselves – you can't make someone else's life different. Making someone else's life your long-term project basically means you are running away from sorting out your own problems. Charity does indeed begin at home – in this case yourself. It doesn't mean you can't be there for others, but if you really cared about them, you wouldn't be doing things for them they should be doing for themselves. Accept that some people are just unfixable and the problem does not lie with you, it lies with them.
Expecting people to keep secrets.
Now there are some friends/relatives you can trust, but the point is that few people can keep secrets. Not for long anyway. Being able to retell something which is news to others, temporarily puts the teller in a very powerful position – something which is irresistible to many people. And in this manner, secrets just slip out. And get wings. And get into the papers. And end in court cases. If you want to keep something secret, tell no one. Mum's the word – but don't tell even her.
The debt trap
Banks and shops don't give you credit because they want to be nice. They give you credit, because they can make money out of you not being able to pay cash for things. OK, there are things like cars and houses, which very few people can pay cash for, but once you start buying things like household goods and clothing and groceries on credit, you're in trouble. And the same people who fell over their feet to give you credit, are not nearly as nice when you are unable to meet your debt repayments. In fact, watch out for your kneecaps, especially if you've gone the loan shark route.
Not getting things in writing
When something is agreed upon, such as special agreements in hiring or job contracts, get it in writing. If you are unable to prove what someone agreed to, you have no leg to stand on. It boils down to your word against someone else's. So, before you accept the job as geriatric nurse, get it in writing that you can still moonlight as a belly dancer every Friday night.
Rubbish in, rubbish out
Your body cannot be abused endlessly without any consequences. Late nights, smoking, lack of exercise, heavy drinking – these are all things that exact their toll. Wrinkles, susceptibility to diseases, lack of energy, lung problems, you name it. Bottom line is - bodies fight back. Make friends with yours and treat it kindly.
Everyone has to paddle their own canoe
Even if your parents or lover are prepared to take responsibility for your life, enabling you to do very little, sooner or later you will have to paddle your own canoe. It isn't good for your self-image to feel so dependent, and while you may have the luxury of sleeping late every day and not doing the 9 – 5 slog, it also means you cannot really bite the hand that feeds you. You are not free or independent. On the contrary. This means you are probably more tied down than someone with a job. Do your own thing – it'll make you feel better, and it is, after all, your responsibility.
Assuming there is one love-of-your-life
Many people make this mistake and when things don't work out with this one person, they spend the rest of their lives moping about, not really making an effort with anyone else. Point is, you've got this person on a pedestal. If things had worked out between you, you may very well at this point have been as disillusioned as you are with others! Even the person of your dreams loses their temper, treats other people shabbily at times, has the occasional sense-of-humour failure and has irritating habits.
Things are easier to get into than out of
You've said yes to helping a friend move or babysitting her impossible niece – just because you couldn't get it together to say no. And you know she would not do the same for you. Or you've sort of let things slide a bit and got involved in a relationship that you didn't really want, because it was too much trouble to say so. Learn to say no – it's always so much easier to do so in the beginning than halfway through.
Sometimes small actions have big consequences
Such as having unprotected sex or 'borrowing' R100 from the petty cash box. Something that seems so trivial at the time, could lead to lifechanging events, such as an HIV-positive status, an unplanned pregnancy, a shotgun wedding, or being fired. Take care – it's a dangerous world out there.
No one has control over drugs
Many people, when they start taking drugs, think they can control it. Everyone thinks that in the beginning – and some even think that at the end – but still, lots of people die as a result of drug taking. Doesn't sound like being in control, does it? You could lose control, the minute you say yes the first time.
Get-rich-quick schemes
Everyone dreams of getting rich quickly. But unless you win the lottery, of which the chances are regrettably slim, don't hold your breath for this one. Pyramid schemes and other scams (such as huge interest earnings or the so-called 419 scam) should make you hang on to your money and hit the road – fast. The only ones who ever make money out of these, are the people who thought up this scheme to fleece you of your money. If a story sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Life doesn't stop when you get ditched
He's left you for someone else, or even worse, he just left you. You don't think you want to live and you don't think you can carry on breathing. But, even though it doesn't feel like that at the time, life does carry on. There is life beyond this person and chances are that given a while, you will stop feeling as if a sumo wrestler is sitting on your chest. There are 6 billion people in the world. Don't tell me that you would only be able to be happy with one of them.
Susan Erasmus, Health24
"How could I have been so stupid?" is a question many people ask when things go wrong. We all have 20/20 hindsight. But there are many things in life that people do, which others warn them against. The fact that many have tried these things before them, and have come horribly short, usually does not act as a deterrent.
So what are the mistakes most of us have to make once before we realise that it's not in our best interests to go down that road?
Doing business with family and friends.
The main problem here is that business, by definition is a tricky business – when we are at loggerheads with someone over a business deal, and this person happens to be a friend or a relative, that relationship will invariably suffer. There are some people who can manage to pull this one off, but most people can't. It may very well be that it's not beyond Uncle Freddy to go to the Seychelles with your money. Choose business partners outside of your family or circle of friends.
Thinking you can fix other people
People can only change themselves – you can't make someone else's life different. Making someone else's life your long-term project basically means you are running away from sorting out your own problems. Charity does indeed begin at home – in this case yourself. It doesn't mean you can't be there for others, but if you really cared about them, you wouldn't be doing things for them they should be doing for themselves. Accept that some people are just unfixable and the problem does not lie with you, it lies with them.
Expecting people to keep secrets.
Now there are some friends/relatives you can trust, but the point is that few people can keep secrets. Not for long anyway. Being able to retell something which is news to others, temporarily puts the teller in a very powerful position – something which is irresistible to many people. And in this manner, secrets just slip out. And get wings. And get into the papers. And end in court cases. If you want to keep something secret, tell no one. Mum's the word – but don't tell even her.
The debt trap
Banks and shops don't give you credit because they want to be nice. They give you credit, because they can make money out of you not being able to pay cash for things. OK, there are things like cars and houses, which very few people can pay cash for, but once you start buying things like household goods and clothing and groceries on credit, you're in trouble. And the same people who fell over their feet to give you credit, are not nearly as nice when you are unable to meet your debt repayments. In fact, watch out for your kneecaps, especially if you've gone the loan shark route.
Not getting things in writing
When something is agreed upon, such as special agreements in hiring or job contracts, get it in writing. If you are unable to prove what someone agreed to, you have no leg to stand on. It boils down to your word against someone else's. So, before you accept the job as geriatric nurse, get it in writing that you can still moonlight as a belly dancer every Friday night.
Rubbish in, rubbish out
Your body cannot be abused endlessly without any consequences. Late nights, smoking, lack of exercise, heavy drinking – these are all things that exact their toll. Wrinkles, susceptibility to diseases, lack of energy, lung problems, you name it. Bottom line is - bodies fight back. Make friends with yours and treat it kindly.
Everyone has to paddle their own canoe
Even if your parents or lover are prepared to take responsibility for your life, enabling you to do very little, sooner or later you will have to paddle your own canoe. It isn't good for your self-image to feel so dependent, and while you may have the luxury of sleeping late every day and not doing the 9 – 5 slog, it also means you cannot really bite the hand that feeds you. You are not free or independent. On the contrary. This means you are probably more tied down than someone with a job. Do your own thing – it'll make you feel better, and it is, after all, your responsibility.
Assuming there is one love-of-your-life
Many people make this mistake and when things don't work out with this one person, they spend the rest of their lives moping about, not really making an effort with anyone else. Point is, you've got this person on a pedestal. If things had worked out between you, you may very well at this point have been as disillusioned as you are with others! Even the person of your dreams loses their temper, treats other people shabbily at times, has the occasional sense-of-humour failure and has irritating habits.
Things are easier to get into than out of
You've said yes to helping a friend move or babysitting her impossible niece – just because you couldn't get it together to say no. And you know she would not do the same for you. Or you've sort of let things slide a bit and got involved in a relationship that you didn't really want, because it was too much trouble to say so. Learn to say no – it's always so much easier to do so in the beginning than halfway through.
Sometimes small actions have big consequences
Such as having unprotected sex or 'borrowing' R100 from the petty cash box. Something that seems so trivial at the time, could lead to lifechanging events, such as an HIV-positive status, an unplanned pregnancy, a shotgun wedding, or being fired. Take care – it's a dangerous world out there.
No one has control over drugs
Many people, when they start taking drugs, think they can control it. Everyone thinks that in the beginning – and some even think that at the end – but still, lots of people die as a result of drug taking. Doesn't sound like being in control, does it? You could lose control, the minute you say yes the first time.
Get-rich-quick schemes
Everyone dreams of getting rich quickly. But unless you win the lottery, of which the chances are regrettably slim, don't hold your breath for this one. Pyramid schemes and other scams (such as huge interest earnings or the so-called 419 scam) should make you hang on to your money and hit the road – fast. The only ones who ever make money out of these, are the people who thought up this scheme to fleece you of your money. If a story sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Life doesn't stop when you get ditched
He's left you for someone else, or even worse, he just left you. You don't think you want to live and you don't think you can carry on breathing. But, even though it doesn't feel like that at the time, life does carry on. There is life beyond this person and chances are that given a while, you will stop feeling as if a sumo wrestler is sitting on your chest. There are 6 billion people in the world. Don't tell me that you would only be able to be happy with one of them.
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