Living wth violent BPD mother

[Kerrison]

The kicker is that mom refuses to acknowledge she has an issue. Its always the rest of the world who has issues, not her, she's perfect. Therefore getting her to therapy on on medication is not an option. My older sister and I, however, have both been through extensive therapy to help us deal with our emotionally and physically abusive childhoods. My therapists only advise was to physically distance myself from my mother-- i.e.: move. Which I did. However...

Due to the financial crisis, have been forced to move back home with her parents. I'm trying hard to find jobs, but the economy stinks here in the US. I have a small part time job currently- that is all i can find. But it is not enough to pay my bills, never mind save to move out. The part-time job doesn't touch my debt.

My father is retired Navy - spent most of my childhood on a ship and not as an active parent. This left the daily parenting to mom and dad was used for 'backup' when we were extremely 'naughty' (in her eyes.)

Now that he is home more often, he has been told by my mother that he has no 'right' to parent or make rules in the house because he was never around earlier in our lives. Therefore he is emotionally unavailable and, when pressed, 'sides' with mom's behavior even though he admits its unstable.

Returning to living with her due to my financial need has proved problematic.

Even when unprovoked, mom will physically lash out.

I have asked my mother to not hit me. I have asked my father to intervene. I have tried to stay out of her way - at which point I get emotional manipulation and even the destruction of personal property in a means of control.

Two days ago, I was speaking w/ my nephew when I suddenly got hit by my mother for no reason. Unfortunately, I turned and hit her back (a light whack on the arm, even though she hit me VERY hard to the head/face)

Now, my mother has told my father that I "Beat" her and that if I "beat" on her again, he must 'evict' me.

I have no where to go. I am in debt up to my eyeballs & have no ability to move out. I have no money.

Needless to say, the idea of being homeless is not fun.

But HOW do I live with someone who is physically violent & permitted to hit?? My dad has given my mother cart blanche to hit me w/o any repercussions-- I can neither defend myself, walk away, nor hit back nor even push her away to get myself out of striking range. Those are all considered things that I can be 'evicted' for-- i have been told I must take her hitting or be homeless.

I know I will never change her.

However, what I don't know is how I will be able to live here for a few more months (hopefully) while I job hunt and try to find a place to live.

How do I live with her when she hits? How do I live with someone with BPD who is physically violent & has no limits on their actions?

I am at a loss here.

Any suggestions would be helpful, please.

Rationalizing & discussion don't work. I don't know what to do. Please help me understand how to live here until I get on my feet- ...living with someone who is physically abusive. I have no where to go.

 

[white page]

Re: Living w/ violent BPD mother

Hi Kerrison ,
How very much I sympathise with your situation. The most important issue is your personal health and survival until you can move out . My mother had and has very similar behaviour , in order to cope with this emotionally , it is important that you remind yourself that your Mom is ill , the verbal and physical attacks are directed at you as a symptom of her illness , not because you are you. Your Dad is taking the easy way out , he has to live with her , even after you leave . this type of functioning is very common of spouses of the mentally ill , ( anything for peace ) this does not mean that this is the best way to be , of course it would be good to move out as soon as possible , or ask another member of the family to lend you a bed until you are financially more stable , until then when you are verbally or physically abused , defend your self by saying , that you do not agree with what is being said and done , and quite simply say that you are going to leave the room. and do leave the room . Go for a walk or do any thing else that takes you away from this uncomfortable situation.
This is a temporary situation , you are no longer in a position of a small child where you cannot leave . Your mother thinks she has total power as she did have during your childhood , this is not true now.

Has your father thought about having a chat with your mom's Doctor to see if there could be something to be done about persuading your mom to have treatment ?

I hope this is a little bit useful .
take care white page

 

[Kerrison]

Thank you for the reply, white page.

The validation is fantastic and really reassuring.

I know - having dealt with this for so long - that even saying "I disagree with this behavior & am leaving" will do nothing but create even more drama.

I feel as if my dad, in taking her side and/or taking away my defense, has given her carte blanche to beat me whenever she wants.

And that was prooven this morning when she came into my 'room' (I'm sleeping on the couch as she has taken over my old room for my niece & nephew when they visit) and started hollering at me for not answering her phone call (x3) last night-- while I was at work where i'm unable to answer the phone.

There's just no winning. Its control, manipulation, and abuse, all in their worst forms.

And since no one will make her get help, there's no end in sight.

My older sister will not permit me to live with her, despite having a spare room-- she feels that my housing is my responsibility. She also feels that by taking me in, she is not "Teaching me to stand on my own" (I lived alone for years) and it is also goign to create tension between HER and mom...

I have no other family.:hissyfit:

So I'm at their mercy. I'm going to get physically and verbally abused and there's not a darned thing I can do about it -- and I think it is that powerlessness (and loss of self-respect) that is the worst feeling.

And I also think that the fact that my father doesn't respect me enough to help me is just ... disgusting.

How can a parent choose their 'peace' over their child's safety?

To put the violence in perspective for you, my sister & I both have scars from our beatings when we were younger. My mother is very petite, so she feels she has to use OBJECTS to hit is with (Belts, spoons, hairbrushes, switches, candlesticks, etc) and it has always been that way. We get hit with things & it is painful and harmful.

Is it typical for BPD to be seen as "Caring & affectionate" by medical professionals? (ie: Why did my childhood physicians not notice the excessive illnesses, injuries, bruises, etc?) Is it b/c my mom brought me in for treatment, they just saw her as caring & me as clumsy?

 

[white page]

Hi Kerrison ,

Is there not a possibility of seeing a social worker , to explain your situation ,and how you fear further violence from your mother,
I do not know how the system works in your part of the world , but there may be a possibility of hostel accommadation , and unemployment benefit . It may be useful to ask your therapist to give you a reference letter

My therapists only advise was to physically distance myself from my mother-- i.e.: move. Which I did. However...

which would corroborate your story .

You do not have to accept violence . There are solutions out there . I would seriously think about seeing the social services to try to find other accommadation .
take care white page .

 

[healthbound]

Hi Kerrison. I'm glad you found psychlinks and are posting.

I grew up with a mother who was never diagnosed but who experienced paranoia, violent mood swings, psychosis and extremely unpredictable behavior. She was also physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to me and sometimes to my younger sister. As I read your posts, I can't help thinking, "There MUST be another way for you to get back on your feet without having to live with your mom and dad". I also hear you saying this is the only option at this time.

I suggest googling ways to deal with a person with BPD. There is no easy solution, but I recall reading about ways to diffuse emotional outbursts by those with BPD. I'll do a quick search after I finish this post and will add links if I find anything. But obviously the best thing to do is get the heck out of there asap. I know you are working towards that. I just wish I could offer some solution that could get you out of there today.

I was lucky when my mom moved away. It granted me the geographical space I needed to redefine our relationship. I needed some space and time from her so I could "see" more clearly. I also needed to learn more about mental illness and how it has affected her and our family. Today my mom and I maintain contact, but only through e-mail. I have not seen or spoken to her on the phone in years. It is much better this way. I am scared of her. We had no choice about what happened while we were growing up, but as adults we have choices about what happens to us now.

I'm glad I was able to redefine my relationship with her, but under NO circumstances could I live with her again. I could not handle it. I understand it's her illness that is unpredictable and abusive, but that doesn't change what she does. And like you, I find it almost unbelievable that no one stepped in when we were kids. But since we are now adults, we can step in on our own behalf. I realize one of the ways you are doing that is writing this post.

Anyway, again I wish I had some great advice, but I don't. However, I DO feel for you and hope you are able to get done whatever you need to get done so you can get out of there asap.

Keep posting.

 

[white page]

And like you, I find it almost unbelievable that no one stepped in when we were kids. But since we are now adults, we can step in on our own behalf.

Great post Healthbound, as children we were powerless , because our parents gave the impression they were caring parents .

Our clothes are clean and we appear reasonably well fed , often we are 'model' children , because we are frightened out of our wits by our role models , so we erroneously believe that all other adults are abusive . we are taught by the family dynamics that our needs are just not in any way important . So the outside world cannot see the horror we are living .

Is it typical for BPD to be seen as "Caring & affectionate" by medical professionals? (ie: Why did my childhood physicians not notice the excessive illnesses, injuries, bruises, etc?) Is it b/c my mom brought me in for treatment, they just saw her as caring & me as clumsy?

 

[healthbound]

OK...I am going to bed, but after doing a quick search I found a couple books that seem to be highly recommended. Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

I've read parts of the first one and have the second one here. Both helped me understand the illness from more of an objective perspective.

Also, here's a website that has some articles and video about dealing with those with BPD.

Must sleep now...Hope some of this helps.

(ps...thanks wp)

 

[suewatters1]

Kerrison do you show signs of being hit? If you saw a DR or someone and had it recorded on their files that you are being hit that will help your cause down the road. But also you can call the police saying your mother hit's you and they can have on their files also. I know you would hate to call the police but if you had signs on your body of somebody physically abusing you then they would have proof. She is a violent person and you never know what she could do next. People should be protected from a person like that.

Can you lock your bedroom door so she just can't go in when she wants to?

I hope you find a solution
Healthbound what a really bad childhood you had. :hug: to you both

Take Care

 

[David Baxter PhD]

See also:

Living with a Borderline Parent: Walking the Line - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Coping With A Borderline Mother - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

Borderline: Walking the Line - Psychlinks Psychology Self-Help & Mental Health Support Forum

 

[Into The Light]

i didn't have any suggestions when i first read your post but i think everyone here has given some great input. i hope it is helpful to you. don't give up and know that you aren't stuck there forever.

 

[MelissaK9174]

Man, do I get this post. My mom beat the crap out of me from 11-24 yrs old. Belt buckles to the face, high heeled shoes, beat my head into a car steering wheel (on the way to church no less lol)....just to name a few. Out of 3 kids, I was the only one she would take it out on. I finally told her if she ever hit me again that I would hit her back. She didn't buy it I guess. I blacked her eye and broke her hand. She hasn't touched me since.

She was later diagnosed with schizophrenia (she had a complete nervous breakdown when my brother died) though since I've been diagnosed with BPD and have been reading up on it, I have to wonder if she has BPD as well. I have to wonder if I "caught" it from her. And by caught, I mean learned/inerited it from her.