Llepke
Member
I chose the name Llepke because in the Finnish language a Lepke is a particular ghost that seems to be absolutely real, can have a conversation, sit with you, until you try to touch it, then it will vanish
I am on disability for clinical depression, anxiety/panic, and post traumatic stress
I have a huge problem with certain people, people who know me, that I thought should know better, always asking me "so are you working yet?" "when are you going to get a job?" these people know that I cannot even make it out of my apartment most days, and havent even managed to unpack since the last time I had to move November 2005
sometimes I do get out, sometimes I really want to get out, get myself cleaned up, dressed, hair fixed, makeup, open the apartment door, and gasp in panic so just stay put, or walk down the block toward the train station, then turn around with heart racing trying to breathe running back home
its not agoraphobia, the out-of-doors isnt what scares me, its people, people at times terrify me
I also have many sleepless nights, paranoid that my disability will be cut off. Why should a worthless scum like me be kept alive anyway
Im pasting this next part from what I had written before someplace else because I spent a long time getting it right so here goes
I had very severe adverse reactions and side effects from psycho-pharmaceuticals, and now suffer from PANES: persistent adverse neurological effects following SSRI discontinuation, and permanent damage from atypical antipsychotics that I was prescribed "off label" for stress, and anxiety. I never had, and was never diagnosed bipolar, for which these drugs are supposed to be prescribed.
The whole time I was medicated (about four and a half years) people that had known me for most of my life, told me at the time, that that wasnt me, and my medicated mind blew them off, I wasnt thinking clearly. Now that I am off all meds since thanksgiving '05, my mom says that I am finally getting to be like the daughter that she had known before being medicated, and yeah sure I still have debilitating depression, and excruciating anxiety, but for good reason, at least Im not wigging out AND retarded. The medication made me act like an asshole, and I had probably every single rare adverse reaction and then some, but no relief from the depression or anxiety, so I did exist medicated, but I wouldnt call it a life.
My situation started out as work related stress, which got worse after my father was killed in a boating accident, my employer chose not to let me know for five hours, my brother made numerous phone calls, to have me please come to Wolf Lake immediately due to the tragedy, but because I was holding work, the employer refused to tell me, or re-assign the work to somebody else, that had a very damaging effect on my brother as well, my fathers body wasnt found for seven days, the stress got much worse after my brother (only sibling) was killed working for Kenny construction company, I had been seeing a psychiatrist for ongoing abuse from the employer, and after emergency gall bladder surgery, due to the greenish yellow vomit I was throwing up all day long, they thought I had a gall stone, but the surgery proved otherwise, it was determined to be stress, that is when I was put on medication, not tranquilizers, I was first put on Effexor.
Then I had a nervous breakdown, and suicide attempt, from unbearable work related stress, and the adverse reactions and side effects from the antidepressant, at this point my p-doc TOLD me I was going on disability, put papers in front of me and said "sign here", in the documents she stated psychological torture from my employer, then, while I was supposed to be recuperating, my only child, my son, was kidnaped, by the woman who had been stalking my brother, I named my son after my brother, we were very close, well she did say at his funeral that she was still going to get a piece of him, she has a sick unrequited love for my brother, he was a very attractive, cool, and popular guy, there is absolutely no way he would have settled for such a butt ugly narcissist, anyway, somehow she got my son made a ward of a different state in order to supercede my sole custody.
The kidnaping pushed me completely over the edge. Because of all her malicious deception my son continues to be in a different state, and she does everything in her power to deny that child any contact with me whatsoever to this day. I gave up the fight because I couldnt endure seeing her punish my son anymore due to her hatred toward me. Six months after the kidnaping, my boyfriend, who I had known since second grade, and I was crazy about, died April 18th 2004, from pneumonia induced encephalitis, he had been in a coma for nine weeks, since Valentines day, we had been living together for just about six years by then. My diagnosis is still post traumatic stress, clinical depression, and panic/anxiety disorder, and I am still on disability.
Now in the aftermath of having been medicated, I can only speak for myself but, it always feels like something emotional is missing, not a little something, a BIG something. And my mind still goes completely blank at times, sometimes right in the middle of a sentence, or like "where am I, and what am I doing here?" standing out on the street, at least I dont forget where I live anymore, but unmedicated, now I can realize this. When I was medicated I didnt know, and I guess didnt care, no, thinking back, it was extremely frustrating, I did care, and was infuriated that I was begrudgingly forced to relinquish my personality, I need to have control of my own thoughts, that feeling of confusion I find terrifying, also I felt as if all the blood in my body, every cell and molecule was going SO fast I couldnt keep up, I was dizzy, had wobbly legs, and always felt extremely exhausted, a roller coaster ride in hell and I couldnt get off, or like being strapped to the front of a train going a thousand miles an hour.
The psychological agony was so overwhelmingly intense, unless you have ever been there, there is NO WAY you can possibly know what it is like, I never would have. I still cant find words to describe it, kinda sorta like being sucked into an emotional black hole, or vacuum, and disintegrated, but not into nothing, into a negative that is so disgusting and repulsive there are just no words to describe how I felt, maybe thats why people suicide on those type of meds, in their medicated state that is the only relief they can possibly fathom, I dont know, I still cant figure out why I did, it was a compulsion that I just couldnt explain and still cant.
I am on disability for clinical depression, anxiety/panic, and post traumatic stress
I have a huge problem with certain people, people who know me, that I thought should know better, always asking me "so are you working yet?" "when are you going to get a job?" these people know that I cannot even make it out of my apartment most days, and havent even managed to unpack since the last time I had to move November 2005
sometimes I do get out, sometimes I really want to get out, get myself cleaned up, dressed, hair fixed, makeup, open the apartment door, and gasp in panic so just stay put, or walk down the block toward the train station, then turn around with heart racing trying to breathe running back home
its not agoraphobia, the out-of-doors isnt what scares me, its people, people at times terrify me
I also have many sleepless nights, paranoid that my disability will be cut off. Why should a worthless scum like me be kept alive anyway
Im pasting this next part from what I had written before someplace else because I spent a long time getting it right so here goes
I had very severe adverse reactions and side effects from psycho-pharmaceuticals, and now suffer from PANES: persistent adverse neurological effects following SSRI discontinuation, and permanent damage from atypical antipsychotics that I was prescribed "off label" for stress, and anxiety. I never had, and was never diagnosed bipolar, for which these drugs are supposed to be prescribed.
The whole time I was medicated (about four and a half years) people that had known me for most of my life, told me at the time, that that wasnt me, and my medicated mind blew them off, I wasnt thinking clearly. Now that I am off all meds since thanksgiving '05, my mom says that I am finally getting to be like the daughter that she had known before being medicated, and yeah sure I still have debilitating depression, and excruciating anxiety, but for good reason, at least Im not wigging out AND retarded. The medication made me act like an asshole, and I had probably every single rare adverse reaction and then some, but no relief from the depression or anxiety, so I did exist medicated, but I wouldnt call it a life.
My situation started out as work related stress, which got worse after my father was killed in a boating accident, my employer chose not to let me know for five hours, my brother made numerous phone calls, to have me please come to Wolf Lake immediately due to the tragedy, but because I was holding work, the employer refused to tell me, or re-assign the work to somebody else, that had a very damaging effect on my brother as well, my fathers body wasnt found for seven days, the stress got much worse after my brother (only sibling) was killed working for Kenny construction company, I had been seeing a psychiatrist for ongoing abuse from the employer, and after emergency gall bladder surgery, due to the greenish yellow vomit I was throwing up all day long, they thought I had a gall stone, but the surgery proved otherwise, it was determined to be stress, that is when I was put on medication, not tranquilizers, I was first put on Effexor.
Then I had a nervous breakdown, and suicide attempt, from unbearable work related stress, and the adverse reactions and side effects from the antidepressant, at this point my p-doc TOLD me I was going on disability, put papers in front of me and said "sign here", in the documents she stated psychological torture from my employer, then, while I was supposed to be recuperating, my only child, my son, was kidnaped, by the woman who had been stalking my brother, I named my son after my brother, we were very close, well she did say at his funeral that she was still going to get a piece of him, she has a sick unrequited love for my brother, he was a very attractive, cool, and popular guy, there is absolutely no way he would have settled for such a butt ugly narcissist, anyway, somehow she got my son made a ward of a different state in order to supercede my sole custody.
The kidnaping pushed me completely over the edge. Because of all her malicious deception my son continues to be in a different state, and she does everything in her power to deny that child any contact with me whatsoever to this day. I gave up the fight because I couldnt endure seeing her punish my son anymore due to her hatred toward me. Six months after the kidnaping, my boyfriend, who I had known since second grade, and I was crazy about, died April 18th 2004, from pneumonia induced encephalitis, he had been in a coma for nine weeks, since Valentines day, we had been living together for just about six years by then. My diagnosis is still post traumatic stress, clinical depression, and panic/anxiety disorder, and I am still on disability.
Now in the aftermath of having been medicated, I can only speak for myself but, it always feels like something emotional is missing, not a little something, a BIG something. And my mind still goes completely blank at times, sometimes right in the middle of a sentence, or like "where am I, and what am I doing here?" standing out on the street, at least I dont forget where I live anymore, but unmedicated, now I can realize this. When I was medicated I didnt know, and I guess didnt care, no, thinking back, it was extremely frustrating, I did care, and was infuriated that I was begrudgingly forced to relinquish my personality, I need to have control of my own thoughts, that feeling of confusion I find terrifying, also I felt as if all the blood in my body, every cell and molecule was going SO fast I couldnt keep up, I was dizzy, had wobbly legs, and always felt extremely exhausted, a roller coaster ride in hell and I couldnt get off, or like being strapped to the front of a train going a thousand miles an hour.
The psychological agony was so overwhelmingly intense, unless you have ever been there, there is NO WAY you can possibly know what it is like, I never would have. I still cant find words to describe it, kinda sorta like being sucked into an emotional black hole, or vacuum, and disintegrated, but not into nothing, into a negative that is so disgusting and repulsive there are just no words to describe how I felt, maybe thats why people suicide on those type of meds, in their medicated state that is the only relief they can possibly fathom, I dont know, I still cant figure out why I did, it was a compulsion that I just couldnt explain and still cant.
