Hello,
I am hoping that I can find some direction, in helping myself better deal with the effects of childhood abuse. I have seen a local counsellor, but he seems to only push the medication, I have been on a wild ride with med’s in the past and almost lost everything, uppers and downers, left me either in bed for days, or on a crazy high that I had no control of, it took almost a year to get back to this state and 5 years since I have approached getting help again.
Before I was born my parent divorced, my mother, a survivor of Polio who lost her right arm decided she needed to keep me, to once again prove to the world she was not a handicap women. We spent years bouncing around from place to place, and three years later she was pregnant and single again. By the time I was 8, she had 4 men that had come and 1 that I wish would have been gone. This one was addicted to drugs and alcohol, and became very abusive to us. My sister and I would have to stand in 12x12 floor tiles for hours, and if we moved, we would have to watch our mother get a beating for having such horrible children. When she finally left, we bounced around hiding from him, different places with people we didn’t know, this happened for about a year, whenever he found us, we moved.
During this time, we stayed with my aunt and her two boys. I craved attention; my mother always told me how much I reminded her of my father the useless, dumb jerk. How I was just as slow as he was, my grades were down, and in grade 4 they realized I could not read or write. When I would try to explain to my mother things, she would half-heartedly listen, or just laugh at me because I was making no sense to her. I eventually stopped trying, why trying when all it gets is criticism. That is when my cousin started to play with me, he sexually assaulted me for 2 years, and when he wasn’t doing that he was doing everything he could to hurt me. He was 4 years older than I was.
I grade 6 I went to school, and they had just come out with the Sex ed classes. We sat in class and they played a movie, “your body, is no bodies, body but yours” I sat there in my desk, tears rolling down my cheeks shaking, realizing that what he was doing was wrong, not normal. I ran, and hid in the bathroom. Teachers came in and a call was placed to my mother, she came to the school, we had meetings with the councillors and she took me for lunch. By 1:00 pm that day, I was back in classes… everyone stared and again talking about the girl who really mush be the freak..
Child and Family services were called and we had meetings with them, I had to sit there and explain what happed in detail, my mother sat there as well. They told us it was my word against his word. They could not do anything.
1 week later, my cousin was back in our house and having dinner.. my mother and aunt explained to me it was child’s play, and that I miss read it. I felt so alone, so hurt. I questioned myself and was I going crazy? They started sending me to a child psychologist, and I was told not to mention what my cousin did, cause there was nothing wrong with it, I had blown it up in my head and as just looking for attention. So not wanting the belt or to again disappoint them, I didn’t say anything. I would have to take the bus by myself every Monday to the clinic down town Winnipeg. I would pry I would get there safely and home.
After that, I started to notice the attention my cousin was paying to my little sister, I tried to tell my mother, I causes as much trouble as I could, just to try to prevent him from hurting her like he did to me. My sister saw how my family reacted to me coming out, and until just recently I discovered she was to scared to say anything.
I started drinking at 13. At 14, I ran away became a part of group homes and foster homes, by 15 my mother had enough of me, and sent me to my dad’s 2400 kms away. That lasted a week. He left the same way about me that my mother did, I reminded him of her and he hated her and didn’t want me there. I was put on a bus back home. 15 years old, scared on a bus. I remember trying to sleep on that ride, and the guy sitting beside me started to play with me, I was too scared to do anything, say anything, just preyed it would end soon. After he was done, I ran to the bathroom and got sick. I didn’t even have a voice any more.
I spent a lot of time drinking after that once I got home, I got myself into bad situations, I was raped in a tree house, and I just laid there, when he was done, I got up and left, told my friend and she told me to go shower and not to say anything, cause we had snuck out and her mother would be mad. 2 days later was the first time I tried to kill myself.
I was locked up in a psychiatric ward 6 months later. For 4 months I felt safe for the first time in my life. I had people who listened to me and believed me, who were helping me deal and feel with what I had gone thru. Then, it all came apart, the nurses went on strike and all 8 of us were shipped out of the unit into group homes. Once the strike was over they re-evaluated all of us, and it was determined that none of us would return, as the trust was gone.
At 16 I was pregnant. I knew before the tests confirmed, my drinking stopped and I was going to have that baby. I was prepared to give her up for adoption, I didn’t want him or her to have anything to do with my crazy life and the people in it, I wanted better for that baby. My parents decided that if I was going to give the baby up they would fight for it. At 17 I was a single mother, living on my own, trying to get through school and keep my child away.
By this time my mother was seeing a married man, and that she stayed with for 13 years. She had cut down her drinking and quit the drugs, she became more opinionated and meaner. I never had the heart to cut my ties with her, I always did and still do feel obligated to her and taking care of her. When I didn’t live with her and running away, I called her every week to make sure she was ok, it would be hell, listening to her tell me how ungrateful I was, that I was a horrible child and that she wished she never had me, and that one day I would get what I gave her.
I ended up with a guy that I had to run from, my daughter and I fled in the middle of the night, the beating and his drinking were growing, and the first time he touched my daughter we were gone.
I ended up moving to 3 different cities that year, settling in a small town. My relationships were always intense but dependant of the bottle. My friends were always kept an arm’s length away. I depended on the men in my life for justification, and my daughter was there for the ride.
I put my way through school, working 2 jobs, by the time the day was done, I had half an hour for my girl. At this time I was dating a guy, we were each other’s worse nightmare. We had a bad love and obsession for each other. I started getting sick, they found Endometriosis, 7 surgeries later, and my having to send my daughter to life with my mother for 6 months, I moved back home. We broke up for the last time.
I was told I would never have any more kids. During this time, I was a mess, drinking and mad at the world, how unfair. I met a man, he was amazing, great job, love for life, and became each other’s rebound. 3 months later I was pregnant. We had a shot gun wedding, and had a beautiful baby boy. 9 months later I had a hysterectomy.
When I went for surgery, I was dropped on the doorstep of the hospital, and was told to call him when it was done.
My daughter had the father I always hoped I would be able to find her, my son was the happiest little boy I had ever seen and I was an administrator for an agricultural lab. I had moved up quickly from secretary to running the office. I found security and determination in work, I was travelling running away from home, I was so unhappy.
Our marriage lasted 3 years, 2 of which we spent in concealing, and then one day our councilor told us that she could no longer justify taking our money, and that her recommendation was for a separation. Both of us came from divorced families, and were very determined not to do what our parents did to us, to our kids. We even after 12 years of separation, are very close friends, we became closer during our divorce than we were when we were together. Our children are 20 and 14. Their biggest complaint is that their parents are not normal; we don’t act like their other friends divorced parents, and that they can’t play us! I can say that there are only 4 people in this world I trust, my 2 kids, their dad and my one friend of 20 years. My mother was wrong, my kids are nothing like I was at their age, they know that their mom and dad will go to the end of the world for them, and that we will always trust and be there for them, we will believe them no matter what.
After the divorce, I was laid off, due to the economy. This is when I spiraled into the depression, I was up and down, my doctor feed me all the pills he could come up with, and I spent 3 months in a haze dug myself 35000 in dept. I decided that while, I worked out my issues, that I could not let my kids see me this way, and ask my ex-husband to take them until I got my head together. I woke up one day in the hospital, another attempt to end it, or was it to get attention? I realized I needed to get my crap together. I got out of the hospital went back to where I was staying and dumped the medications. It took me a month to get that crap out of my system. I found a 2 jobs and started rebuilding my life. I dove into work, and very shortly after I was back in management. I found that work was the best thing for me 60 – 70 hrs a week, can keep you out of trouble. My kids ended up coming back home every second week, and I found another relationship. And again we became our own worst enemies. We were both bad with our drinking, I could justify it that we never drank around the kids and only on weekends. That one lasted 5 years. In the end, we decided that our friendship was important and we broke up.
Since my divorce, I have had 3 relationships, running 2 – 5 years each, all of which I previously dated in my younger years. I have maintained this last one for 3.5 years. I moved 1200 kms way from home as I was transferred, and this is where his daughter is. We have lived together for 1.5 years. I was laid off again last year, and have been sitting at home alone for months. He works on the rigs and is only home once a month.
I have a hard time making friends; I don’t approach people and have found nothing here and no one. My current relationship was one I thought I wanted; we have a house, new truck, and new car. I have a man who has tried to give me everything, and I am not happy. Never happy, and I can’t tell you the last time I was truly happy. I have nowhere to go and started drinking at home alone, not so much that I need to, its just something that fills some time, and allows me a day of rest the next day. I can’t sit, never have been able to sit for long.
My mother came out here with me, she thought she could build a relationship with my sister, who at 18 ran 1200 kms away from her, and started a great life here. I knew it was not possible, my sister has a shut off switch, out of sight out of mind, she separated herself from all of us, and she is happily married with 2 kids. We don’t talk a lot, when I see her I feel guilty looking at her, I was not able to protect her, and I live with that every day of my life. I question myself, if I couldn’t protect her then how could I protect my own kids. I second guess myself with every choice I make. I have separated myself from everyone. My mother is unhappy here as well, and she makes sure I know it, as well as her opinion on every move I make.
I have found a new job, and travel a lot, for the last 3 months my mother has been pushing me to see my cousin, he is asking about me, and wants to build a relationship. I have asked her to leave it alone, but she doesn’t understand how I can hold him responsible for a childhood game. She wants me to tell her again what happened. I have done this numerous times over the years, and she conveniently forgotten it.
I am starting to get bitter and angry. Lately I have been having nightmares, little things happen and I am feeling helpless, more so than I regularly do. I have been sick again, they figure the endo is back, and have had to have both my knees fixed in the last 6 months. My current boyfriend is fed up and I know he is only staying because of my health issues.
I guess what I want to know is are these feelings normal, and is there anything I can do to start to change the direction of my life. How do you start to trust people and learn how to trust yourself? How do you find happiness if you have never known it? And all of this without medication.
I am hoping that I can find some direction, in helping myself better deal with the effects of childhood abuse. I have seen a local counsellor, but he seems to only push the medication, I have been on a wild ride with med’s in the past and almost lost everything, uppers and downers, left me either in bed for days, or on a crazy high that I had no control of, it took almost a year to get back to this state and 5 years since I have approached getting help again.
Before I was born my parent divorced, my mother, a survivor of Polio who lost her right arm decided she needed to keep me, to once again prove to the world she was not a handicap women. We spent years bouncing around from place to place, and three years later she was pregnant and single again. By the time I was 8, she had 4 men that had come and 1 that I wish would have been gone. This one was addicted to drugs and alcohol, and became very abusive to us. My sister and I would have to stand in 12x12 floor tiles for hours, and if we moved, we would have to watch our mother get a beating for having such horrible children. When she finally left, we bounced around hiding from him, different places with people we didn’t know, this happened for about a year, whenever he found us, we moved.
During this time, we stayed with my aunt and her two boys. I craved attention; my mother always told me how much I reminded her of my father the useless, dumb jerk. How I was just as slow as he was, my grades were down, and in grade 4 they realized I could not read or write. When I would try to explain to my mother things, she would half-heartedly listen, or just laugh at me because I was making no sense to her. I eventually stopped trying, why trying when all it gets is criticism. That is when my cousin started to play with me, he sexually assaulted me for 2 years, and when he wasn’t doing that he was doing everything he could to hurt me. He was 4 years older than I was.
I grade 6 I went to school, and they had just come out with the Sex ed classes. We sat in class and they played a movie, “your body, is no bodies, body but yours” I sat there in my desk, tears rolling down my cheeks shaking, realizing that what he was doing was wrong, not normal. I ran, and hid in the bathroom. Teachers came in and a call was placed to my mother, she came to the school, we had meetings with the councillors and she took me for lunch. By 1:00 pm that day, I was back in classes… everyone stared and again talking about the girl who really mush be the freak..
Child and Family services were called and we had meetings with them, I had to sit there and explain what happed in detail, my mother sat there as well. They told us it was my word against his word. They could not do anything.
1 week later, my cousin was back in our house and having dinner.. my mother and aunt explained to me it was child’s play, and that I miss read it. I felt so alone, so hurt. I questioned myself and was I going crazy? They started sending me to a child psychologist, and I was told not to mention what my cousin did, cause there was nothing wrong with it, I had blown it up in my head and as just looking for attention. So not wanting the belt or to again disappoint them, I didn’t say anything. I would have to take the bus by myself every Monday to the clinic down town Winnipeg. I would pry I would get there safely and home.
After that, I started to notice the attention my cousin was paying to my little sister, I tried to tell my mother, I causes as much trouble as I could, just to try to prevent him from hurting her like he did to me. My sister saw how my family reacted to me coming out, and until just recently I discovered she was to scared to say anything.
I started drinking at 13. At 14, I ran away became a part of group homes and foster homes, by 15 my mother had enough of me, and sent me to my dad’s 2400 kms away. That lasted a week. He left the same way about me that my mother did, I reminded him of her and he hated her and didn’t want me there. I was put on a bus back home. 15 years old, scared on a bus. I remember trying to sleep on that ride, and the guy sitting beside me started to play with me, I was too scared to do anything, say anything, just preyed it would end soon. After he was done, I ran to the bathroom and got sick. I didn’t even have a voice any more.
I spent a lot of time drinking after that once I got home, I got myself into bad situations, I was raped in a tree house, and I just laid there, when he was done, I got up and left, told my friend and she told me to go shower and not to say anything, cause we had snuck out and her mother would be mad. 2 days later was the first time I tried to kill myself.
I was locked up in a psychiatric ward 6 months later. For 4 months I felt safe for the first time in my life. I had people who listened to me and believed me, who were helping me deal and feel with what I had gone thru. Then, it all came apart, the nurses went on strike and all 8 of us were shipped out of the unit into group homes. Once the strike was over they re-evaluated all of us, and it was determined that none of us would return, as the trust was gone.
At 16 I was pregnant. I knew before the tests confirmed, my drinking stopped and I was going to have that baby. I was prepared to give her up for adoption, I didn’t want him or her to have anything to do with my crazy life and the people in it, I wanted better for that baby. My parents decided that if I was going to give the baby up they would fight for it. At 17 I was a single mother, living on my own, trying to get through school and keep my child away.
By this time my mother was seeing a married man, and that she stayed with for 13 years. She had cut down her drinking and quit the drugs, she became more opinionated and meaner. I never had the heart to cut my ties with her, I always did and still do feel obligated to her and taking care of her. When I didn’t live with her and running away, I called her every week to make sure she was ok, it would be hell, listening to her tell me how ungrateful I was, that I was a horrible child and that she wished she never had me, and that one day I would get what I gave her.
I ended up with a guy that I had to run from, my daughter and I fled in the middle of the night, the beating and his drinking were growing, and the first time he touched my daughter we were gone.
I ended up moving to 3 different cities that year, settling in a small town. My relationships were always intense but dependant of the bottle. My friends were always kept an arm’s length away. I depended on the men in my life for justification, and my daughter was there for the ride.
I put my way through school, working 2 jobs, by the time the day was done, I had half an hour for my girl. At this time I was dating a guy, we were each other’s worse nightmare. We had a bad love and obsession for each other. I started getting sick, they found Endometriosis, 7 surgeries later, and my having to send my daughter to life with my mother for 6 months, I moved back home. We broke up for the last time.
I was told I would never have any more kids. During this time, I was a mess, drinking and mad at the world, how unfair. I met a man, he was amazing, great job, love for life, and became each other’s rebound. 3 months later I was pregnant. We had a shot gun wedding, and had a beautiful baby boy. 9 months later I had a hysterectomy.
When I went for surgery, I was dropped on the doorstep of the hospital, and was told to call him when it was done.
My daughter had the father I always hoped I would be able to find her, my son was the happiest little boy I had ever seen and I was an administrator for an agricultural lab. I had moved up quickly from secretary to running the office. I found security and determination in work, I was travelling running away from home, I was so unhappy.
Our marriage lasted 3 years, 2 of which we spent in concealing, and then one day our councilor told us that she could no longer justify taking our money, and that her recommendation was for a separation. Both of us came from divorced families, and were very determined not to do what our parents did to us, to our kids. We even after 12 years of separation, are very close friends, we became closer during our divorce than we were when we were together. Our children are 20 and 14. Their biggest complaint is that their parents are not normal; we don’t act like their other friends divorced parents, and that they can’t play us! I can say that there are only 4 people in this world I trust, my 2 kids, their dad and my one friend of 20 years. My mother was wrong, my kids are nothing like I was at their age, they know that their mom and dad will go to the end of the world for them, and that we will always trust and be there for them, we will believe them no matter what.
After the divorce, I was laid off, due to the economy. This is when I spiraled into the depression, I was up and down, my doctor feed me all the pills he could come up with, and I spent 3 months in a haze dug myself 35000 in dept. I decided that while, I worked out my issues, that I could not let my kids see me this way, and ask my ex-husband to take them until I got my head together. I woke up one day in the hospital, another attempt to end it, or was it to get attention? I realized I needed to get my crap together. I got out of the hospital went back to where I was staying and dumped the medications. It took me a month to get that crap out of my system. I found a 2 jobs and started rebuilding my life. I dove into work, and very shortly after I was back in management. I found that work was the best thing for me 60 – 70 hrs a week, can keep you out of trouble. My kids ended up coming back home every second week, and I found another relationship. And again we became our own worst enemies. We were both bad with our drinking, I could justify it that we never drank around the kids and only on weekends. That one lasted 5 years. In the end, we decided that our friendship was important and we broke up.
Since my divorce, I have had 3 relationships, running 2 – 5 years each, all of which I previously dated in my younger years. I have maintained this last one for 3.5 years. I moved 1200 kms way from home as I was transferred, and this is where his daughter is. We have lived together for 1.5 years. I was laid off again last year, and have been sitting at home alone for months. He works on the rigs and is only home once a month.
I have a hard time making friends; I don’t approach people and have found nothing here and no one. My current relationship was one I thought I wanted; we have a house, new truck, and new car. I have a man who has tried to give me everything, and I am not happy. Never happy, and I can’t tell you the last time I was truly happy. I have nowhere to go and started drinking at home alone, not so much that I need to, its just something that fills some time, and allows me a day of rest the next day. I can’t sit, never have been able to sit for long.
My mother came out here with me, she thought she could build a relationship with my sister, who at 18 ran 1200 kms away from her, and started a great life here. I knew it was not possible, my sister has a shut off switch, out of sight out of mind, she separated herself from all of us, and she is happily married with 2 kids. We don’t talk a lot, when I see her I feel guilty looking at her, I was not able to protect her, and I live with that every day of my life. I question myself, if I couldn’t protect her then how could I protect my own kids. I second guess myself with every choice I make. I have separated myself from everyone. My mother is unhappy here as well, and she makes sure I know it, as well as her opinion on every move I make.
I have found a new job, and travel a lot, for the last 3 months my mother has been pushing me to see my cousin, he is asking about me, and wants to build a relationship. I have asked her to leave it alone, but she doesn’t understand how I can hold him responsible for a childhood game. She wants me to tell her again what happened. I have done this numerous times over the years, and she conveniently forgotten it.
I am starting to get bitter and angry. Lately I have been having nightmares, little things happen and I am feeling helpless, more so than I regularly do. I have been sick again, they figure the endo is back, and have had to have both my knees fixed in the last 6 months. My current boyfriend is fed up and I know he is only staying because of my health issues.
I guess what I want to know is are these feelings normal, and is there anything I can do to start to change the direction of my life. How do you start to trust people and learn how to trust yourself? How do you find happiness if you have never known it? And all of this without medication.
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