Ashley-Kate
MVP
After a couple of years a psychology classes in college I am well aware of the "danger" zone when it comes to being suicidal. I know that if I had a plan of when where and how, it would be a hospitalization.
I know that also because I have been there in the past, yet funny enough today I would say I was never truly suicidal. I never really wanted to die because I always did everything in my power to help them save me. I told them I was suicidal or even after I did the attempt I would inform the proper people so they could save me. I believe I simply wanted to be helped and those acts were the only way I could get people to realize how much pain I was in or to simply understand I needed to be safe, and I didn't feel safe where I was.
I am also anorexic, the fact that there is a perfect way to be suicidal kind of freaks me out, having the perfect plan, I spent most of my life being perfect doing everything perfect and here I am faced with my own current state of being suicidal and I came to the realization that I really am sick of doing everything perfectly. I don't want to be perfect in death. So here I am fantasizing of the most imperfect way to die, and that terrifies me. I feel insane, every moment of every day looking for ways to simply die, to not have to explain how when and where, to not have to write a goodbye letter and say the perfect goodbyes to everyone. I am tired and these thoughts tire me even more as anything seems like a good idea, a good way. I am at a loss of words to explain the pain I feel inside. I don't know how to get it out anymore and I feel defeated. Nothing helps. Nothing makes everything better. I am scared of myself because I feel lost in my current state and hope for the best possible solution that will make everything better and the only one I come up with is taking me out of the equation.
I know that also because I have been there in the past, yet funny enough today I would say I was never truly suicidal. I never really wanted to die because I always did everything in my power to help them save me. I told them I was suicidal or even after I did the attempt I would inform the proper people so they could save me. I believe I simply wanted to be helped and those acts were the only way I could get people to realize how much pain I was in or to simply understand I needed to be safe, and I didn't feel safe where I was.
I am also anorexic, the fact that there is a perfect way to be suicidal kind of freaks me out, having the perfect plan, I spent most of my life being perfect doing everything perfect and here I am faced with my own current state of being suicidal and I came to the realization that I really am sick of doing everything perfectly. I don't want to be perfect in death. So here I am fantasizing of the most imperfect way to die, and that terrifies me. I feel insane, every moment of every day looking for ways to simply die, to not have to explain how when and where, to not have to write a goodbye letter and say the perfect goodbyes to everyone. I am tired and these thoughts tire me even more as anything seems like a good idea, a good way. I am at a loss of words to explain the pain I feel inside. I don't know how to get it out anymore and I feel defeated. Nothing helps. Nothing makes everything better. I am scared of myself because I feel lost in my current state and hope for the best possible solution that will make everything better and the only one I come up with is taking me out of the equation.
