I was released 3B (Medically) from the military almost ten years ago, diagnosed with PTSD after multiple operational tours. Upon my release I was offered retraining through the SISIP (Military long term disability/life insurance through Manulife) program but I was in no mental shape or form to even contemplate attending any type of formalized training and SISIP was obviously not interested in helping, they cut me and their financial loss loose the first chance they had.
I honestly don?t know how I?ve managed this long; I certainly can?t call what I?ve been doing ?living?. I put myself at risk, financially, physically and emotionally...not that I consciously mean to, I just identify the behavior after the damage is done. I pushed my wife, family and friends away looking to make it easier to just disappear. There were some better moments, Highs and lows but the highs were few, always being overshadowed by the darkness of my nightmares, depression, anger, anxiety and sleepless nights?Once again I find myself enduring a three plus month low.
Clich?; ?Time heals all wounds?? At one point I made a promise to myself, ?I would give it a go for ten years?if things weren?t better in ten years, I wouldn?t force myself to go on.? Ten years is now six weeks away. My position is no better; mentally I suffer, I can?t manage to hold a job down for any length of time, I can?t remember what it was to be happy. The only constant is that my wife is stubborn, through the dark times, even times when I was extremely cruel to her, she still persistently stays?Thus lies my dilemma, I don?t want to hurt her more than I already have, I know she would be better off without me dragging her down?. maybe I left this too long and should have cut loose allot sooner, will time heal her wounds. I don?t want to stay, I don?t want to hurt her more than I have, ?I?m truly lost and don?t, Maybe this is just a last effort before time is up.
I honestly don?t know how I?ve managed this long; I certainly can?t call what I?ve been doing ?living?. I put myself at risk, financially, physically and emotionally...not that I consciously mean to, I just identify the behavior after the damage is done. I pushed my wife, family and friends away looking to make it easier to just disappear. There were some better moments, Highs and lows but the highs were few, always being overshadowed by the darkness of my nightmares, depression, anger, anxiety and sleepless nights?Once again I find myself enduring a three plus month low.
Clich?; ?Time heals all wounds?? At one point I made a promise to myself, ?I would give it a go for ten years?if things weren?t better in ten years, I wouldn?t force myself to go on.? Ten years is now six weeks away. My position is no better; mentally I suffer, I can?t manage to hold a job down for any length of time, I can?t remember what it was to be happy. The only constant is that my wife is stubborn, through the dark times, even times when I was extremely cruel to her, she still persistently stays?Thus lies my dilemma, I don?t want to hurt her more than I already have, I know she would be better off without me dragging her down?. maybe I left this too long and should have cut loose allot sooner, will time heal her wounds. I don?t want to stay, I don?t want to hurt her more than I have, ?I?m truly lost and don?t, Maybe this is just a last effort before time is up.
