Marriage counseling: Is it working?

[Veekay]

I am new here. Registered and was reading it. What was I looking for? Answers. I am going through very difficult time in my relationship with my wife. After being married for a long time, one day I found myself disconnected when I thought that everything was perfect. The first law of relationship misery from the other post is about my wife and me. We tried counseling few times. Went together. Kept arguing and tired convince each other that the other side was wrong. Did not work. At the end, my wife canceled next appointment without even telling me. Her point was that it did not work because I was not telling the truth. That I was trying to cover my unfair behavior towards her. I was not and still not sure what is going on. She is telling me that she loves me and wants a divorce because she cannot trust me. She believes that when I am not with her then I am with another woman even though no other woman exists in my life. I do not know how to stop it. I am reading that couple counseling is working. But why it did not work in our case? Wrong expectations? Trying to find this answer. It is hard. I love my wife and want to fix the disconnection, but to be all the time on the 'guilty until proven guilty' side ... well, I am not sure anymore that this is what I want.

 

[LuciaG]

Hello Veekay,

Well, couple counseling/therapy works. The thing is that both participants must be motivated to make things work. It's not a matter of "I said/He said" ... There is no right or wrong in displaying what happens in the couple's life, but there will definately be present two different realities. The therapist has a major role into guiding the process of therapy, but the main part is played by the couple.

So, the first main step is that you and your wife agree on a common goal, to save your marriage.

All the best,

 

[Veekay]

I'd really want to see how it works. So far we have not had any luck with. Tomorrow is a new round. We live in these two different realities. My wife believes in what she believes 100 percent. That's her reality. It does not matter that it has nothing to do with the real life. For her it is real. Question is only what do I have to do with it? How to handle it? It is very difficult. I hope counseling will work. It is my last resort. Yes, we are committed. We want to save our marriage. We want our lives back. We love each other. The problem is that regardless of how we talked about this problem and regardless of what we agreed to, it would go to nowhere. Every new day we are at the same point where we have started yesterday. She does not want to trust me. It does not matter that I am spending all my time with my family and my wife except the time I have to go to work. It does not matter that we do not have friends, do not have any social life, and do not go out. It is all for her not to be able to doubt my love and respect to her. It does not matter that we spent happy time together on vacations recently. She is not happy because she can not see what I am doing during the time I am at work. She is not happy that I have lunches, and in her opinion it is enough time for the hot date including sex!!! It does not matter that it sounds crazy! That's her reality. She lives in it, believes in it and drags me into it. I do not want to be there. I am not interested in all these 'activities'. I wonder if counseling can help! What else can I do? Leave job? Sit beside her all the time? Does it sound crazy? Or funny? I do not know what that is.

 

[payof]

I believe it works for some, but definately not all. When I was attending marriage counselling I went through a very similar situation. I was there to improve our relationship, even myself. I'm convinced she was there to "make" me change. Whenever we went in to a session with the intention to discuss 1 or 2 issues, we'd leave with an enormous list of new issues. This happened every time. Whenever she heard something from the therapist she didn't like, we were finished with that therapist. We went through four of them.

Now long before our marriage counselling, she was diagnosed bipolar by her psychiatrist. She accepted this, took medication for it, but eventually decided (on her own) that she wasn't bipolar and stoppped taking her medication. Coincidentally, that is when our marriage went down hill. One marriage counselor said he wasn't sure she was bipolar, however felt confident that she had a personality disorder. He did feel I was sincerely trying to work on our relationship, but didn't feel that she was. Point is, sometimes there are individuals with psychological issues that you cannot change. I then continued with marriage counseling alone. Later, she claimed I clearly was the issue because I was the one still in therapy. Well it never got better and didn't end well...we are now divorced, but I am happier.

I hope things work for you and hopefully don't go through what I went through. Individuals however have to want the help for therapy to work. These sessions helped me accept what I cannot change and to keep myself happy.

 

[Veekay]

I had a hope that it would work for us. Unfortunately I am not that sure anymore. Last week my wife had a session with C.Psych. Guess what? It became even worse then before she had to go to this session. Now she says that everybody she has talked to so far are suggesting that divorce is the only option for her to become happy again. She does not want to listen to anything else. She is denying the fact that there is no other reason for all this except the story she has created in her mind. I am not cheating on her! Never was. I do not want to loose her. I love her, but I have less and less things to get it fixed. Now I am asking Mr. C.Psych: is not that obvious that what she is doing has nothing in common with reality? The realty she has created has nothing in common with real life. She needs help. Trying to 'fix' me is not going to help. I do not have an affair. I do not go to dates during my lunch time or any other time!

 

[Yuray]

Now she says that everybody she has talked to so far are suggesting that divorce is the only option for her to become happy again.

Professionals are saying this?, or sympathetic friends?

Your wife clearly feels she has a reason for suspecting you of having an affair, no matter how insignificant it may be. Has she explained her reason, so you could at least offer a defense?

Point is, sometimes there are individuals with psychological issues that you cannot change.

Is there more to your wifes unhappiness than trust issues? As well, she may not have the courage to end the relationship, and is forcing you to.

 

[payof]

Yeah I wonder the same thing. How is the Psychologist/Psychotherapist handling this?

If her friends are chiming in their support, more likely it's all based on what SHE tells them, fact or fiction. She makes it her reality to her friends. I've seen this. "Friends" believe what they hear, then give support as if they witnessed it. People have to be careful about being judgemental based on heresay. Its a dangerous way to "support" any friend.

My ex wife lost a lot of her/our friends because they soon saw that she wasn't exactly truthful. Thankfully there were plenty of our friends that withheld judgement, or at least empathized with my side of the situation. I will never forgive the ones who blindly supported her. The fact is she had psychological issues (and they knew it) but didnt understand the complexity for family members trying to cope with her disorder (fyi, bipolar). It is VERY difficult to remain supportive when thats involved.

Your situation may be entirely different. Again I will never know all the facts, but if you truly haven't had any sort of affair, I hope that handling her insecurity over this in marriage counselling can help....unfortunately it takes time.

 

[CarlaMarie]

I was amazed at the way our therapist has handled us and trust has been a major issue. The focus has not been on how we don't trust but what do we need in order to trust and how to communicate that. For me it was boundaries. I needed him to back off. He needed to trust that when I backed off I was calmer and ready to love. There has been drama and emotions to get us to that place. He has taught us how to mange our emotion and not take them out on each other. We have both had to be willing to work our piece of the puzzle so we can fit together. With that said we had to go through a therapist that didn't work for us first.