Memories coming back over a decade later?

[AmZ]

I don't know if it's some weird 'trick-of-the-mind' type thing and somehow because of my situation, my mind is kind of fooling me in to awfulizing everything, or whether there is a possibility of this having 'more to it'.

In the last couple of days, I had flashbacks about something. It made me feel physically sick after I had the few seconds of these each time. I picture it in my head as to me being in a place and then a couple of memories about it, details such as where the furniture was placed and stuff. Then later on, something happened which was extremely uncomfortable for me (and that I remember), but that thing itself wasn't something to be traumatised about, just an unpleasant feeling and event being in that situation at the time.

After that, I don't remember anything, of the rest of the night or the morning (where the possibility of something could have happened). I remember not being able to sleep for a while and laying there totally still and my stomach going crazy on me with anxiety.

The next day, I was at home and my parents asked me how my evening was. I told them the situation that I was in and they were extremely concerned and said that they want to call this person and ask why that happened and that it was at the least, very inappropriate. I remember telling them that nothing had happened and not to worry about it and I'd be honest with them if something had happened. But, at the time, even being a bit blank myself and as usual, me not going in to details about how I felt from what I remember.

The flashbacks go back up to a certain point and then I don't remember anything else.

It's bothering me a bit but not in an obsessive way.

Is it possible for something to have happened and for it only to come back now in flashbacks and start to 'remember' it?

Thanks.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think it could be possible. I remember a LOT of the stuff I went through, but there is some stuff that has just come back recently and it's stuff I can confirm with pictures and things like that. So, I would say yes it is possible.

But I'm not a doctor or expert or anything obviously.

 

[Yuray]

or whether there is a possibility of this having 'more to it'.

If there is more to it, finding out at this time will only escalate your anxiety. You have just recently discovered your BPD. How much more do you need on your plate?
Coping with Flashbacks: Goals and Techniques for Handling the Memories

Is it possible for something to have happened and for it only to come back now in flashbacks and start to 'remember' it?

Yes

 

[AmZ]

Thank you CD and Yuray.

I agree Yuray. Things are difficult enough.

I'm having serious urges to cut right now. Not in a good place. Not even anything to do with this.

 

[Yuray]

Only you can decide whether to cut or not, but it is a choice you are making based on momentary feelings, which will either be gone shortly, or replaced by others. Scar tissue is not the best reminder of how a moment in your life was, talking, or journaling is. You're a smart girl, you know this already.

'the pen is mightier than the sword' (or blade).

 

[Cat Dancer]

Remember (and I need to remember this too) like Yuray says self harm is always a choice even if it doesn't feel like it.

 

[AmZ]

Is life a choice also?

I've chosen life so far (but not for my own 'good'). I feel so trapped and see no hope. Hence why the suicidal thoughts. Then I tell myself I need to 'keep it together' and not let this get any more out of control. Then I guess is where the SI comes in to things. If I hurt myself then I am pretty sure that my therapist, psychiatrist and social worker are going to suggest hospitalization again. I think if things go that far then a lot of things are going to screw up and be more difficult for the present and future. All of these things are a constant battle. Then I think of just taking some sleeping pills to get some time over and done with and not feel like this. 9pm here now. Then I resist those urges and am left like this. So frustrated I'll probably cry myself to sleep again tonight.

I despise every choice that is available to me.

---------- Post added at 09:16 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:41 PM ----------

I realize that there is probably no words of advice that people can offer me.

I am sorry for being difficult. I wish it didn't have to be like this.

I'll just have to sort this out one way or another and see how much patience I have in the meantime. I'm holding myself back OK now.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I guess I can't really say anything without looking like a hypocrite. I dont' have my own life together yet.

I'm really sorry you're hurting.

 

[Yuray]

I'm holding myself back OK now.

difficult I'm sure, but do-able, as you are demonstrating.

If I hurt myself then I am pretty sure that my therapist, psychiatrist and social worker are going to suggest hospitalization again.

and rightly so, seeing as nothing else is helping as much as it should. Last couple weeks when you went to the hospital, at least it put you in a somewhat 'not so urgent to hurt' mode. Even if you go just for a change of scenery, it is a proactive choice to stop these maddening thoughts.

You seem particularily upset these past two days. Did you talk to your father?

 

[AmZ]

Thank you. I understand CD.

Really not having a good evening here. 12.30am now. Have had to get up from bed because I've been laying there for 2 hours trying to sleep, even after taking sleep meds and the longer I lay there, the more detached and weird I feel. Like a calmness from my medications, verging on numbness. but my mind going over things so slowly and somehow distantly, it makes me feel sick. I'm trying to focus and breathe deeply and stay connected but it's tough. I start to wander off and all I have going on outside of me are noises and I feel over-sensitive, scared and disturbed by them somehow.

Pfffhhh, it's really not nice.

---------- Post added at 12:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:36 AM ----------

Last couple weeks when you went to the hospital, at least it put you in a somewhat 'not so urgent to hurt' mode. Even if you go just for a change of scenery, it is a proactive choice to stop these maddening thoughts.

You seem particularily upset these past two days. Did you talk to your father?

Yeah, the last couple of days have been tough. I was at my sister's for the weekend. and has my 'mask' on there, but it's cracking. (Because of me in general and exterior events). Had thoughts the whole weekend of horrible things and the same as now, just those big questions about life and if it's worth it. I don't think I could do something that awful so then I guess just think about cutting. But I have visions of really hurting myself from cutting. I don't know, it's like I was saying before, I just feel sick when I start to think about life and start to ache.
If I go to the hospital, I know what it's going to result in most likely and I don't want it to happen. But I know that the thoughts are not good. I just don't want to go there. I'll have to tell my doctors and stuff and it won't be a good situation. Hmm. Kinda messy. I don't know.

I spoke with my dad and he apologized about the phone conversation we had. I told him that things are more difficult than he knows and it was difficult to hear him be so concerned. I don't like it. That's why I usually don't say anything. I didn't go in to details and he just kept saying that I am not giving him specifics, but I think that I said enough to him.

---------- Post added at 12:46 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:43 AM ----------

Thank you Yuray

 

[CarlaMarie]

I hate to seem positive. But it seems to me like you made progress this week.You didn't cut. Even though you thought about it. Have the thoughts passed? I like apologies. What's wrong with that. You told him things were bad you weren't going into spacifics, that is ok. Good for you. It sounded like he heard you. How about recognizing progress, it isn't about perfection. You got a diagnoisis. Now you know what the problem is. It was a big week. Wow! I think you are doing a great job coping. Only my opinion.

 

[AmZ]

That's very nice of you to say so CM. I am aware of these positive things. I know that we should always keep these in our minds.

Problem is that the anti-life thoughts and hopelessness I am feeling still can't be erased so then nothing matters anyway.

If I knew that I wanted to have another shot at life, I need for these feelings to at least be less intense and true to me. Add on seemingly glimmers of hope, and it'll get me in a better place.

 

[Yuray]

To add to Carlas praise, you handled your father well

 

[CarlaMarie]

I would never want to do such a thing as erase those hopelessness thoughts, those are yours. I have my own I wouldn't want anyone messing with mine. I wanted you to know just in case anything could be added to the dialog in your head at some point and if something could be added could it possibly be something positive. Maybe?

 

[AmZ]

The only helpful positive thing that could change something right now is to have the basics there... for me to want to live this life. Otherwise everything seems pointless really.

Blurry double vision now from the sleep meds, but no sleep, loss of concentration and hmm, drugged up. Probably the best state for me now.